The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 4

Welcome dear readers to the fourth and final part of the Book of Judges. For all the strange fever dream insanity that proceeded this you'd think the book would end with something resembling the corpse honey or the killer bread attack or the forehead nail attack right? You know, something fun, or at the very least completely mental. I'm sorry to say the Bible decided to go completely against expectations (it does that a lot) and give Judges the worst, most baffling, and straight up disturbing ending conceivable. I almost don't want to go through with this, you're better off just thinking that Judges ends with Samson's brainless antics, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to recount the Bible's stories, but also, and more importantly, share my thoughts on all this (which unfortunately tends to just resolve into mockery), and I have many a bone to pick with Judges' ending. So let's get on with it.

The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 3

Hello there, welcome to Part 3 of Judges, or what I like to call "The Wanton Folly of Strongman Samson." That's right, we finally get to talk about that well known maniacally violent warrior of God, the man who disemboweled a lion with his bare hands, the man who really liked honey (and I mean really liked), and the man with the magical hair. How dumb is Samson? Well you'll just have to read on to find out, but spoiler alert: he's really fucking dumb.

The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 2

Welcome back, it's time to keep this nutty crazy train a rollin with the second part of Judges. Today we'll talk about that nutjob Gideon, his pickiness about how you drink your water (pinkies out bitches), the deadly bread missile, and not to mention his awful woman hating son who takes Israel by force. Read on, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 1

Oh man, welcome to the Book of Judges. Let me just begin by saying that Judges (so far) contains some of the most insane shit I've ever read. Yes, even when compared to Genesis and Exodus. That's right everyone, the nutty batshit is back, and in rare form. How insane is Judges? Well how about seventy dudes with no thumbs? Or some shady regicide of an insanely fat man? Or a soldier being nailed to the ground? Ok so maybe it isn't all that crazy, but the sooner we get through part one, the sooner we get to the later parts which really show off the pure batshit madness of the Lord, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Joshua Part 2

Hey hey, welcome back to The Book That God Wrote, the second and final part of Joshua. Where we learn what happens with Joshua and his ragtag crew of Israelites. Does Joshua find the answers he's looking for? Is he able to fill the gigantic shoes left by that badass Moses? And what is it with Joshua and his apparent rock obsession? Read on to find out, did I mention that we also have an octogenarian battling giants, and the Israelites attacked by biblical transformers? Man for serious, read on, read on, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Joshua Part 1

And we're back, finally, vacation over. Well, not really, I still have some time before the summer semester starts, so why not fill you in on my latest Biblical exploits? Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the Book of Joshua, or as I like to call it: How the Bible got its groove back. Yes a book named after that badass second in command, but is this book as badass as its namesake? You might be a little skeptical, I mean they pulled this shit before with Leviticus, name a book after the most badass mofos in the Bible and make it the most boring (until Numbers, and then Deuteronomy). But do not worry dear reader, the awesomeness is back, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Deuteronomy

Hi everyone, guess who just finished Deuteronomy? Yep, me, and it's about time too huh? But seriously, have you ever read this book? If you have then you're probably lying, no sane person would sit down and read this book all the way through, I mean unless you wanted to skip Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers but still needed to know what happened, but why would anyone do that? Anyway, I'm here to tell you what it's about. It's about Moses being boring and then dying. Ok see you next time.