What I Learned From Genesis

This may sound surprising to anyone who knows me, but Genesis kinda reminds me of the big bang. No no, not that horrible "joke" that Christians use, "God said 'Let there be light,' then BAM it happened." Ugh, no. Let me explain, see the big bang was a cataclysmic event, a huge explosion of ... well, everything. Complete chaos for centuries before everything started cooling down. Stars, planets, and all sorts of nebula begin to form, and slowly, so slowly, life begins on our little blue planet. Likewise, Genesis begins with complete chaos: talking legged snakes, giant floods, flaming sulfur rain, and psychopaths bombing about in the wilderness. The beginning of God's line is an extremely tumultuous one, but slowly it begins to calm down. We slowly go from complete batshit chaos to a long story about the rivalry between Jacob and Esau, in which crazy shit still goes down, but it's finally relatable. Then slowly, in the next generation we come to Joseph and his brothers. More sibling rivalry, more family drama, still more crazy shit, but compared to the first part of Genesis, this is a goddamned stand still. And here, in this relative stand still, the planets now formed and slowly spinning, we finally start to see glimpses of moral behavior, glimpses of the kind of life God supposedly appreciates (and requires).

The Book That God Wrote, Genesis Part 3

Finally! Welcome to part three in "The Book That God Wrote" series, where we finish off Genesis once and for all. Sorry for the extreme lateness of this post, me and super spy girlfriend went on a road trip up to TN which stopped this in its tracks basically, but here it is, finally. So, how did Jacob's children turn out and did he learn anything from his own troubled childhood? Here we meet the first good natured person in this whole messed up bloodline, even though he's prone to playing pranks on his brothers (but hey, who isnt?). These final chapters also have such things as additional foreskin slaughter, technicolor dream coats, attempted fratricide, and some oddly placed coitus interruptus (isn't it always?). Read on fellow traveler (or read the introduction, or parts one and two if you're just joining us).

The Book That God Wrote, Genesis Part 2

Apparently they do let kids read this, along with little crucifixes for them to choke on (apologies to my super spy girlfriend for picking on the Catholics, they just had the best looking Children's Bible, should tell you something). Enough chatter, on with the show, whatever happened to that crazy kid that was almost murdered by his own father? (Intro here, part one here)

The Book That God Wrote, Genesis Part 1

Welcome to the first true post in my Bible reading series "The Book That God Wrote." I plan to tear ass through the entire Bible in about a year and three months reading about a book a week (yes I did a little math to figure that out). I also plan to go in order so we're starting with some Genesis action, which includes such things as naked people, talking snakes, fratricide, giant floods, people turning into pillars of salt, raining fiery sulfur and much much more. Read on for the excitement (or read here for more preliminary exposition).