The Book That God Wrote, 1 Samuel Part 1

Welcome all to the first part of the first part of the Book of Samuel. Here we start on the path towards that all popular King David, but first we learn of the honorable Godslinger Samuel, the disappointed and worthless father Eli, and his despicable sons. We also get to see what happens when the sworn enemies of the Israelites have the balls to steal the Ark of the Covenant, spoiler alert: they don't keep it for long. I hope you're ready for fun.

The Book That God Wrote, Ruth

Hello, it's been a while, sorry for the hiatus, vacation and work called, I'm still dealing with two weeks of no sleep but hey, welcome to the Book of Ruth. This is a short one, the entire book is around two pages. Honestly it's a story I might've completely skipped over if it showed up in something like Judges or Exodus, but since the story is its own book, well it's ensured that I cover it for you guys. Though I might not have actually skipped over it, but that's only because I was given some extra Bible knowledge about ole Ruth (thanks Mom) which I'll talk about when the time comes. See depending on how you interpret a certain word in this story it can turn from a strange little tale into a ... well more noteworthy one. How does one word change so much? Well read on to find out.

Gonna Use an Oil Based Paint...

You all like the new coat of paint? I think it looks mighty fine. You can thank delightful super spy artist girlfriend for that fancy new banner. She did a mighty fine job don't you think? In fact, in celebration, well

There's something about that orange that I like, it must be because it reminds me of

which is about as western as you can get. Enjoy the new scenery while I get Ruth ready for action, oh and some other fun stuff in the works. My God, it's looking like a real life blog over here.

Mixed Messages?

This was just too good not to share, I was bumbling around the internet as I'm wont to do, and found this on the great Passive Aggressive Notes blog-a-majig. Go take a look at it and come back. Back? Great, I think that about sums up what I've discovered reading the Bible, they say the word of God is comforting, all I can say is "DOOM!" Enjoy. Seems I'm not the only one confused.

I Hate You Too

You know, being a teacher sucks sometimes (most-times), I'll spend many hours preparing and thinking of ways to explain things I've known for practically centuries in ways that a layman can understand, sometimes I fail at this, sometimes I don't. Hell I'll be the first to say I'm not the best teacher in the world, I'm certainly not. Lord knows I shouldn't ever be allowed in a college algebra course ever again (or anything lower for that matter), but contrarily I think I really do shine when the material gets tougher. Anyway, regardless of my own pros and cons it really ticks me the fuck off when after all this work I look out and see this:

What I Learned From Joshua and Judges

The best way to summarize what I feel about Joshua and Judges, and the entire Bible up to this point actually, is to share a little idea I had recently, which was inspired by the end of Judges. If I ever become a constant member of a church again, which is seeming more and more unlikely these days, but if I ever do I want to run an adult sunday school class entitled "Awful Shit From The Bible." See, this might be the wrong way to do things, but I've been approaching the Bible as I would a math text. Let me explain, I have my axioms, things we just have to assume before we even get down and dirty with this thing. Here's my axioms regarding the Bible: One: God exists, he created everything, and is a loving God, what "loving" means is up for debate, but all Christians would agree with this axiom, and before we can discuss any theology we have to assume it's true. Further it's something that cannot be proven in the traditional logical sense, hence it's an axiom. Two: the Bible is a God inspired text which is our ultimate moral handbook, whether God wrote it or not (he didn't) is up for debate, so is whether or not we should be read literally (we cant). All Christians would agree with this simple axiom as well, whether or not you consider the church a necessary institution for salvation, the Bible is the centerpiece of this institution. My whole life I was told this was our guide, our handbook, the word of God. Hell I was even told that if I had a problem in real life that I could find the answer in the "good book," in other words, many denominations feel that the Bible speaks for itself. So that God exists, is loving, and gave us a handbook (directly or indirectly) are really the only axioms that I have.

The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 4

Welcome dear readers to the fourth and final part of the Book of Judges. For all the strange fever dream insanity that proceeded this you'd think the book would end with something resembling the corpse honey or the killer bread attack or the forehead nail attack right? You know, something fun, or at the very least completely mental. I'm sorry to say the Bible decided to go completely against expectations (it does that a lot) and give Judges the worst, most baffling, and straight up disturbing ending conceivable. I almost don't want to go through with this, you're better off just thinking that Judges ends with Samson's brainless antics, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to recount the Bible's stories, but also, and more importantly, share my thoughts on all this (which unfortunately tends to just resolve into mockery), and I have many a bone to pick with Judges' ending. So let's get on with it.