The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 2

Welcome back, it's time to keep this nutty crazy train a rollin with the second part of Judges. Today we'll talk about that nutjob Gideon, his pickiness about how you drink your water (pinkies out bitches), the deadly bread missile, and not to mention his awful woman hating son who takes Israel by force. Read on, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 1

Oh man, welcome to the Book of Judges. Let me just begin by saying that Judges (so far) contains some of the most insane shit I've ever read. Yes, even when compared to Genesis and Exodus. That's right everyone, the nutty batshit is back, and in rare form. How insane is Judges? Well how about seventy dudes with no thumbs? Or some shady regicide of an insanely fat man? Or a soldier being nailed to the ground? Ok so maybe it isn't all that crazy, but the sooner we get through part one, the sooner we get to the later parts which really show off the pure batshit madness of the Lord, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Joshua Part 2

Hey hey, welcome back to The Book That God Wrote, the second and final part of Joshua. Where we learn what happens with Joshua and his ragtag crew of Israelites. Does Joshua find the answers he's looking for? Is he able to fill the gigantic shoes left by that badass Moses? And what is it with Joshua and his apparent rock obsession? Read on to find out, did I mention that we also have an octogenarian battling giants, and the Israelites attacked by biblical transformers? Man for serious, read on, read on, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Joshua Part 1

And we're back, finally, vacation over. Well, not really, I still have some time before the summer semester starts, so why not fill you in on my latest Biblical exploits? Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the Book of Joshua, or as I like to call it: How the Bible got its groove back. Yes a book named after that badass second in command, but is this book as badass as its namesake? You might be a little skeptical, I mean they pulled this shit before with Leviticus, name a book after the most badass mofos in the Bible and make it the most boring (until Numbers, and then Deuteronomy). But do not worry dear reader, the awesomeness is back, read on.

The Book That God Wrote, Deuteronomy

Hi everyone, guess who just finished Deuteronomy? Yep, me, and it's about time too huh? But seriously, have you ever read this book? If you have then you're probably lying, no sane person would sit down and read this book all the way through, I mean unless you wanted to skip Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers but still needed to know what happened, but why would anyone do that? Anyway, I'm here to tell you what it's about. It's about Moses being boring and then dying. Ok see you next time.

What I Learned From Numbers

I'm certainly tempted not to do this, the more I think about Numbers the more I want to throw my Bible in the darkest corner of my closet and never find it again. So the sooner I forget about Numbers completely the sooner I'll have the inspiration to tackle the remaining books of the Bible. As true as this may be, the alternative to writing a "What I Learned" is reading more of Deuteronomy, which is far far worse, or maybe not, I don't know, as of right now I'd prefer to blather on a bit about Numbers. Remember how I said that Exodus was boring? I take it back, remember how I said Leviticus was boring? I take it back, even Leviticus was interesting compared to the train wreck that's Numbers. Wait, no, train wrecks are interesting, Numbers is more like a colloquium at the math department: where a stuffy old man blathers on for an hour about some obscure field of mathematics that no one understands or cares about, except Numbers goes on for days. Yes, Numbers is boring.

The Book That God Wrote, Numbers Part 3

Oh my God, finally I'm back. It's been about a year, but for your reading pleasure I present the finale of Numbers. It's been a slow monotonous road, but it's thankfully at an end. So, who's this Balaam fellow I've been hinting at? Where's this crazy sex I promised? Do the Israelites continue their unstoppable crusade? And wait, did I just mention sex? Read on, read on, the answers await you below the cut, it's so damn good to be back.