The Book That God Wrote, Joshua Part 1

And we're back, finally, vacation over. Well, not really, I still have some time before the summer semester starts, so why not fill you in on my latest Biblical exploits? Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the Book of Joshua, or as I like to call it: How the Bible got its groove back. Yes a book named after that badass second in command, but is this book as badass as its namesake? You might be a little skeptical, I mean they pulled this shit before with Leviticus, name a book after the most badass mofos in the Bible and make it the most boring (until Numbers, and then Deuteronomy). But do not worry dear reader, the awesomeness is back, read on.

Joshua, Spies, and Maybe a Whore:

So let's see, where do we begin? Well since it's been a while since we've talked maybe I should give you a little insight into this Joshua character. We first met him in Exodus when the Amalekites attacked the Israelites out in the wilderness. Moses calls Joshua and tells him to take some pipe hitting Levites out to take care of them, and from then on the two are inseparable. Sure Aaron might have been Moses' support when talking needed to be done, but when a sword needed to be slashed into a face, Joshua was Moses' go to man, his military adviser if you will, head of the fucking up gentiles department, yes Joshua was a bad man. And still is, as we'll see, he was badass enough for Moses to make him the new leader of the Israelites after his death. But my favorite story about Joshua so far has nothing to do with his badassitude. No, my favorite thing about Joshua is that "Joshua" isn't his real name. In Numbers Chapter 13 it lists all the spies that Moses sends into the promised land (of course it does, Numbers was obsessed with boring ass lists), and number 5 is "Hoshea son of Nun," which is confusing because Joshua is the son of Nun, and Joshua was also a spy, and they only took one spy from each tribe. Luckily, later in parentheses it says, "Moses gave Hoshea son of Nun the name Joshua (verse 16)." Ha, that's so awesome, Moses was so badass that he took the most hardcore soldier in Israel's army and renamed him. I wish the Bible chronicled this story because I'd love to see that, not that it matters, I can guess at how the conversation would go anyway:
"Great job out there, you really showed those tea drinking Amalekites bastards, what's your name soldier?"
"Hoshea sir."
"Er, I don't think so, nah, I'ma call you Josh."
So yeah, Joshua has a lot to prove if he expects to live up to the pure badassness that was Moses, I mean shit, Moses changed his name after all. Up until now only God has changed people's names, chew on that for a little while.

So, this book starts with Joshua in his command tent which is still littered with Moses' possessions, like the miracle causing staff of God and the bones of Joseph. Joshua knows he has a lot to live up to, he's no wizard, he can't part seas or bring water from stones, he's just a soldier that's good at stabbing people, he has no idea how he's going to lead these people. But before he can even get settled, God bombs down to talk with him. Jeez, not even a full week on the job and the boss is already making an inspection. But God's just there to tell him that "Hey, I'm down with Moses' choice, I'll walk with you as I did with Moses, basically I've got your back." Which officially puts the Warrior of God in charge, and the two discuss the coming battles, and importantly the crossing of the Jordan and the taking of Jericho. That's right kids, they're finally going to cross that fucking river, and it's about damn time.

But first things first, Joshua wants to play this campaign smart, he sends two spies across the river to check out the land and mainly the city (because we know how well that worked in Numbers). So the two spies cross the river, take a look around the city and stay the night at the house of Rahab. Now this is too good not to share because the Bible says, "So they entered the house of a prostitute named Rahab and stayed there (2:1)," but the word "prostitute" is marked with the following footnote: "Or possibly an innkeeper." Haha wow really? So Rahab either got payed to fuck people or she owned an inn, man that's a really big difference Bible, I understand it's difficult to translate this shit, but really? Yeah she was either a whore or a prominent land owner, but who cares, just put "prostitute" since that word's more fun and besides they both imply entrepreneur so it's a win-win.

Anyway, the king of Jericho catches wind of these spies and sends for Rahab, "Rahab, listen here you whore ... or um innkeeper, I'm not quite sure, anyway there were two Israelite spies that spent the night with you, or at your inn, we can't let them escape."
Rahab just shrugs her shoulders, "I know nothing about that I'm afraid, I just took their money and sent them on their merry way."
"Argh, just like a whore ... or maybe an innkeeper, to take their money and not find out who they are."
"But I know where they're going, they left by the main gate and are headed down the main road, if you hurry you'll probably catch them."

"Score, peace bitch ... or um ... nevermind," the king giggles while spinning on his throne (yeah I don't know), which is apparently his sign for Rahab to leave, which she does and heads right back to her house/inn where the Israelite spies are still hidden. "Listen here spies," she says, "I know who you are, and I know what you all plan to do, all of Jericho is scared shitless of you guys, so I propose a deal: seeing as how I just saved your lives at the risk of my own I figure that your Israelite friends should spare me and all of my family when you come storming through." And of course they agree to this deal, since if they didn't Rahab would just report them to the authorities, which is just like a whore ... or innkeeper. So she sneaks them out of her house from the window and sends them on their merry way back home with the promise that everyone in her house, marked with a scarlet cord, will be spared when Jericho falls to the Israelites.

Crossing Jordan:

To be honest with you I'm not really sure why Joshua is sending spies into Jericho, he's got God on his side, all he needs to do is stroll in with the Ark of the Covenant and bash in some skulls, like Moses would have, it doesn't matter if they have a mass army of giant acid spitting bees behind the gate God will trounce them right? But whatever, Joshua takes the information the spies bring and mounts up his army. Now just so you know, the Jordan river is a pretty damn big river, I mean a couple of spies can cross it sure, but Joshua wants to have like forty thousand soldiers armed to the teeth and in full battle regalia crossing this fucking thing, which is not an easy task by any means. Luckily they've got this magical God box I've mentioned before, that's right the Ark of the Covenant, so Joshua sends some Levites out into the water with the magic box and BAM the water stops flowing. Well, not really, I mean I guess it keeps flowing but just kinda stops up the river, so how I read it is that all the water just starts building into a little tower, and so the Israelite army is able to cross the Jordan on dry land and in the shadow of a water tower.

So these Levites are just standing out in the middle of this (now) dry river bed while the entire Israelite army clomps by, thousands and thousands of people walk by, so by the time the last little lagging infantry guy crosses the Jordan these Levites are mighty sore, Christ that Ark has got to weigh a ton, I mean it's made completely out of gold, and has the Ten Commandment slabs inside, and probably some other heavy shit. But does Joshua relieve them the second everyone's safe on the opposite shore? Nope, he hand picks twelve people, one from each tribe, to go back out into the river bed and collect rocks. I'm so not even kidding here, Joshua actually tells them to each find a big ass rock so that, "In the future, when your children ask you 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant ... These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever (4:6-7)." Oh well that's just fucking peachy isn't it? These dudes are breaking their backs over here so that our kids will know about the Jordan stopping through some rocks? Hey Joshua, I'm pretty sure everyone's gonna remember that one, that's kinda right up there with parting the Red Sea you know?

So finally, everyone's across, the Levites finally get to come in out of that awful river bed, which of course right as they do the water tower comes crashing down and probably floods some Gentile town down the way, who knows. Anyway, so what's next on the agenda now that Jericho is in our sights eh? Oh, I know, "At that time the Lord said to Joshua, 'Make flint knives and circumcise the Israelites again' (5:2)." WHAT?! Why the fuck would they want to do that? They're on the eve of battle with the Jericho ... ites? and God wants them all to hack away at their penises with flint? I've come to the conclusion now that God fucking hates penises, God isn't just a woman, she's a batshit psychotic penis hating woman. Ok, cooling down now, so the Bible actually goes on to explain that apparently the Israelites haven't been circumcising new kids since they left Egypt, and now that there isn't anyone left from that crew, besides Joshua and Caleb, all the Israelites are uncircumcised. So, not as bad as I originally thought, but still, what were the Israelites thinking? Did they think this day wouldn't come? Did they actually think God would forget that one, or did they think maybe that wilderness birth exempts you from circumcision? Shit Abraham did it out in the wilderness (and probably with his teeth), maybe this was the older generations' bit of revenge for not being able to see the promised land, "Ha, we might not be able to see the promised land sure, but we also don't remember having our penises hacked with a knife, enjoy that shit suckers."

Jericho:

So yeah, you wanna know a great way to lose the next battle you fight? Cut off the foreskin of every soldier you have, but remember what I said before, God's on their side, so this shouldn't matter right? Right, see the Israelites have this awesome battle plan for Jericho. What you need to know about Jericho is that it's all walled up, and especially now that the oncoming storm (my new badass name for the Israelites) is across the river, no one's coming in or out of ole Jericho. So here's what Joshua did, he took his entire army out, with Ark and trumpeteers and all, and marched them all the way around Jericho, sounded their trumpets and went back home. Then the next day, they did the same thing, marched around the city, blew the trumpets, and then went back home, and they did it again the next day and the next, and for six days they mutely marched around the city, blew their trumpets and silently marched back home.

Can you imagine being one of the soldiers on the wall of Jericho watching this? I mean on the first day they're probably thinking that the Israelites are giving up, and on the second day they're probably all like, "Psht, pussies." But by the forth or fifth day this has got to be weighing on their creep-o-meters:
"Oh my god, did you see how they don't talk?"
"I know they never fucking talk, they just march around and go home, and those trumpets are like magic space death trumpets."
"And that box, what's in that box? You know something seriously awful is in that box."
"Oh crap, here they come again, this isn't happening, this isn't happening."
And by the seventh day, when the Israelites come out for the last time, they march around the city as before, but this time, instead of sounding their trumpets, they just keep on marching. "Oh my god, they're circling the city again, we are so fucked." Then they circle the city a third time, and a fourth, and continue marching around the city a total of seven times. Seven circumscriptions on the seventh day. Then the trumpets sound, but this time, for the first time, the Israelites scream along with them, an earth shaking, blood curdling scream; and with their scream the ground begins to quake and the wall begins to crack. In seconds the massive six foot thick walls of Jericho collapse into a smoldering mess of smoke, fire, and debris. The walls of Jericho have fallen and the Israelites are free to stroll through the city and cut down every man, woman and child.

Now one thing Joshua does seem to have over his predecessor is a sense of honor, though the Israelites murder every last person and animal (yes even the livestock see 6:21) they can find, they do actually spare Rahab and her entire family. It seems that Joshua honors his word with other people, even when it goes against what God says (who told him to kill everyone/everything), and we'll actually see this happen again as the book goes on. So they took all the gold, silver, bronze and iron as plunder and burned everything else to the ground, turning Jericho, a once massive city, into a smoldering pit, and what's more, Joshua decrees, "Cursed before the Lord is the man who undertakes to rebuild this city, Jericho: At the cost of his firstborn son will he lay its foundations; at the cost of his youngest will he set up its gates (6:26)." So not only did they burn the city to the ground, Joshua has cursed anyone who even thinks about rebuilding it, which is pretty hardcore. I mean its not forcing ash water down peoples' throats hardcore, but it's certainly badass. Seems ole Joshua is on his way to filling those enormous shoes Moses left behind.

Unfortunately, their victory is short lived. See, immediately after Jericho's fall Joshua sends spies to scout out the nearby city of Ai; and when they get back they tell him that Ai's going to be a piece of cake, a walk in the park. "Shit don't even send the entire army, a small unit should be able to take the whole place no problem." So that's exactly what Joshua does, he sends a minimal shock force out to secure Ai, but it all goes awry. The forces of Ai completely fuck the Israelites down, "They chased the Israelites from the city gate as far as the stone quarries and struck them down on the slopes (7:5)." Something is seriously amiss here, and Joshua knows it, God is on his side, and he completely trusts that God would not falter, so something must have happened on their end. They must have done something to lose God's favor (or maybe it was the penis pain after all). More importantly, their constant victories have scared away the neighboring cities, but now, now that a tiny backwater has defeated an Israelite force? It will only be a matter of time before their fear is gone and they march out to meet the Israelites, surrounding them at the Jordan's edge.

Joshua needs answers, he needs his secret weapon, no, his only real weapon back. He falls at the foot of the Ark and tears his clothes, "God," he screams, "I'm here, if we are to be taken by your foes then I at least deserve to know why." He lay there all night, prostate beneath the Ark in torn clothes, praying, and waiting for what the morning would bring. Would God commune with him again? Or was their Lord, who had brought them to the promised land, abandoning them once and for all?

To find out you'll have to wait until next time I'm afraid, I know I know, dick move, but I've got to keep you reading somehow, I can't rely on the Bible's charms alone to reel you back in. Until next time fellow readers.