The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 1

Oh man, welcome to the Book of Judges. Let me just begin by saying that Judges (so far) contains some of the most insane shit I've ever read. Yes, even when compared to Genesis and Exodus. That's right everyone, the nutty batshit is back, and in rare form. How insane is Judges? Well how about seventy dudes with no thumbs? Or some shady regicide of an insanely fat man? Or a soldier being nailed to the ground? Ok so maybe it isn't all that crazy, but the sooner we get through part one, the sooner we get to the later parts which really show off the pure batshit madness of the Lord, read on.

Judge Dread:

Ok, so when I sat down to read this I thought I knew what I was in for. Moses set up a sort of faux judicial system way back in Exodus, and I just figured this book would document all the bullshit that these Judges went through. No, see the Judges here aren't what you might be thinking, these Judges are more like super Godly gangster ninjas that show up every forty years or so to save Israel from new oppressors. See here's what happened: every few generations the people would forget about God, and they'd start worshiping Baal or some other god, and so the "real" God would punish them, by basically allowing their enemies to storm back in and take over the place. Then a prophet (gangster ninja) would rise up, tell the oppressors to get lost and then hack'n'slash them to the stone age. Then Israel would have a time of peace (usually forty years) before the whole thing would start all over again.

The "good" book likes to brag that this was all part of God's magical master plan, and God says, "Because this nation has violated the covenant that I laid down ... I will no longer drive out before them any of the nations Joshua left when he died, I will use them to test Israel and see whether they will keep the way of the Lord (2:20-22)." I'm not exactly sure who God's talking to here, and it's strange to hear him refer to himself in the third person like that, it feels like a really poorly written and performed monologue in a highschool play. Anywho, I don't buy this bullshit for a second. Here's what really happened: Israel just took over the majority of Canaan, and the people living in these places had territories that stretched beyond these borders, and now they're pissed and are gunning to get their land back. So Israel gets settled, a few generations later they forget about the war and BAM the Amalekites roll back in after regrouping their forces and getting all their shit ready for war. The Amalekites are able to take over a portion of Israel, and even keep it for a few years, until a real pipe hitting Israelite shows up and is able to reclaim the land. Rinse and repeat.

But this is beside the point, I'm not here to argue about what really happened, I'm here to talk to you about these Judges who rose up to save the day, and that's what I plan to do. A few of them I'll skip though, mainly because there isn't much to talk about. For example: Shamgar, poor Shamgar, all he get's is "After Ehud came Shamgar son of Anath, who struck down six hundred Philistines with an oxgoad. He too saved Israel (3:31)," and moving on. Really? That's all he gets? That story sounds fucking awesome, why don't we get to hear that one? Like, I'm not sure what the fuck an oxgoad is, but it sounds cool. I guess that's because the stories of the other Judges are even more badass batshit insane-o. So, no more screwing around, let's hear about these ninja Judges. But first, a quick story from more of the beginning of the tale.

See, Judges starts with the Israelites cleaning out the promised land once for all, after Joshua died, I had thought this was done already, but whatever. So the tribe of Judah goes after this king Adoni-Bezek, and when they catch him they cut off his thumbs and big toes, which is just fucking crazy, "Hey bitch, no more walking straight, or picking up things normally again for you."
"Yeah, how's it feel to have no opposable thumbs?"
And here's what this king has to say about it, "Seventy kings with their thumbs and big toes cut off have picked up scraps under my table. Now God has paid me back for what I did to them (1:7)." Haha, what? Wait, so seventy kings with no big toes or thumbs live under your table? So, like, that's your victory ritual? You cut off their big digits and force them to live under your table? I guess my only question is, um, why? Are thumbless handjobs better than ... yknow ... thumbed ones? Anyway, I thought you might like that, enough of that, onto our first Judge.

Ehud (Assassin's Creed):

When Ehud, the left-handed Jew, shows up, there's this awful and extremely obese king ruling over everyone and oppressing the Israelites. The Bible just says he's fat, and his name is Eglon, which is totally a fat name, so he probably looks something like this:

(Thank You Solium Infernum)

So anyway, Ehud makes this 1.5 ft double-edged sword and attaches it to his inner thigh (which sounds dangerous, but whatever). Then he goes off with a bunch of servants to present an offering to this Eglon dude, and when he gets there he's all like, "Hey Eglon, I have a secret message for you." So Eglon dismisses everyone, except for the twenty or so fellows that have to roll him up to his chamber, who then leave themselves. Ehad follows king rolly polly into his chamber, and in pure badass action movie form he says, "I have a message from God for you (3:20)," pulls the sword from his thigh and stabs the fat bastard. I'm not making this up, see that that phrase is quoted? He seriously said that before stabbing him, thank God the author of Judges has a seen a few action movies right?

Not only does Ehad stab Eglon, he stabs him so hard that the fucking sword's blade goes clear through this fat bastard, and, I quote, "Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed around in over it (3:22)." I would've left it in there too, Jesus. Does that mean that Ehud's hand was all covered in bloody fat? Yucko, the job of God's assassin is a nasty one. Anyway, Ehud locks up the chamber and escapes from the balcony, in true gangsta ninja form. Later on Eglon's servants come to check on his royal fatness, but there's no answer, and with the doors being locked one of the servants says, "Oh, he must be relieving himself in the inner chamber." Wait, what? Yeah, it actually says that, so he must be taking a shit in his chamber? They didn't have running water back then, was there some kind of royal bed pan? Or a golden bucket (like the buckets in cowboy days)? And even if he was, couldn't the servants be like, "My lord, we're merely checking on you, scream a demeaning insult if you're ok." But no, they don't do that, what they do instead is wait, "to the point of embarrassment (3:25)," which I'm not exactly sure what that means, but whatever, they finally break in and see that their fat ass king has been brutally assassinated. And with the king gone, his people are scattered, allowing the Israelites to stroll in and do what they do best: fuck up gentiles.

Jael Was A Steel Driving Man ... er Woman:

Alright, so the next Judge to come after Ehad was Shamgar, which I've already talked about, so a rinse and repeat later Deborah makes the scene. The Israelites are being oppressed by a king named Jabin, but more specifically his commander in chief warlord Sisera (who turns out to be a sissy actually, so the name is apt). Sisera has a huge army containing nine hundred iron chariots with which he oppresses the Israelites. And lo Deborah rises up to do something about it, but instead of leading an army all Joan of Arc style, she goes to this other dude named Barak to do it ... wait a fucking minute. Barak? Really? Like this guy:

Like our fucking president led an Israelite army? And you fucktards thought he was a secret Muslim, he helped free the Jews from oppression, damn that guy's busy (and ancient apparently [and likes to change the spelling of his name every century or so]). Anyway, so Obama's all like, "Look, I'll lead the army against sissy boy Sisera, but only if you come with me." Which I guess means Obama's trying to hit on Deborah, I mean seriously, she's a girl who's a Judge, that's like a girl who plays guitar, or a girl who plays videogames and reads comic books, ole biblical Obama just couldn't help himself. Unfortunately for him though, Deborah's married, and a little put off by this nonsense, but she needs to get this job done for God, so she makes a compromise, "Fine I'll come with you, but you wont get credit for killing Sisera, a woman will." To which Obama agrees, I guess because he figures that whatever happens on the war path stays on the war path? Anyway, so they're off to battle with Sisera's army.

And so Obama and his Israelite army fuck down all the chariots of sissy boy Sisera's army, and sends the little bitch running, just like a sissy. So, why isn't this section named "Deborah and Obama Save the Day?" Because the real hero here is a woman named Jael. Now when Deborah said that Sisera would be delivered by a woman, I bet you all thought she meant herself huh? That's what I thought she was saying too, basically a, "Fine I'll come with you, but I get credit for sissy boy's death," but nope. See there's this woman named Jael bumming about in the wilderness around abouts where this battle took place. Jael is a descendent of Jethro (do you remember him? Moses' father-in-law), so not exactly an Israelite, but certainly an ally to the people of Moses, strangely the descendents of Jethro (the Jethrites?) are also allies of Sisera's people. So when Sisera passes by ,while fleeing from the Israelites, he calls to Jael, "Oh my god, a Jethrite, hide me in your tent, and when the Israelites come by asking for me say you haven't seen me," which seems really demanding, but he's a position or two short from the king, so I guess it makes sense. In any case Jael obliges and takes sissy boy into her tent.

Now, if you thought Sisera was demanding just wait, the second he gets in the tent he's all like, "I'm Thirsty! Get me some WATER!" and so Jael gives him some milk, which isn't water, but whatever, and so then he's all like, "Now stand at the tent entrance and keep watch while I sleep." So she humors him until he falls asleep, which might've been what the milk was all about. Then she takes a tent peg and hammers Sisera's head to the ground. Bam, do not be a shitty guest at Jael's house, she'll nail your goddamned head to the ground. So she's certainly proved where her loyalties lie eh? And so she goes out to the road to wait for the Israelites. When Obama rides up on his black stallion he asks Jael, "Look, have you seen this sissy boy named Sisera? He's about yay tall, was probably running away like a bitch."
"Yes, I've seen him," she says, "I'll take you to him." So she leads Obama into her tent where ole sissy boy is lying with his head nailed to the floor. What I don't get here is why she doesn't just open with, "Hey yeah, I nailed his forehead to the ground, his body is in my tent." You think you'd start with that, instead of like, "Oh right," wink, "that guy," wink, "let me take you to him ... and by the way I hammered his goddamned head into the floor."

In any case, with Sisera gone, along with most of his army, Obama is able to lead the Israelites to victory against the king Jabin, hooray, and then Deborah and Obama sing a song ... seriously, they sing a fucking song, and it's like a page and a half long (which is a lot in Bible terms). I mean, it's one thing if they sat down and wrote a battle song about fucking up Sisera and Jabin, but no, they just spontaneously break out into this super long ass song. Is the Bible suddenly a musical? What the hell is going on here? This isn't the first song to show up in the Bible, but the others were either given by God, or spontaneously sung by one person. How the hell did they know what the words would be? Are they psychic? In any case it's great seeing these two love birds on singing terms, I bet this whole celebration between the two looked a lot like:

Ah, I just couldn't resist. Cue forty years of peace.

Placed By Gideon:

And again, the Israelites do evil, and the Midianites roll through and eff everything up. So, the angel of the Lord appears to Gideon (which so rhymes with Midian, but whatever) and tells him, "Yo, the Lord is with you warrior, you will strike down the Midianites."
"But I am the runt of my litter, from the weakest clan, of the weakest tribe of Israel, how will I do this?"
"I will walk with you of course." You know, it always confuses me how God talks in first person through his angels, I can never fucking tell if it's the angel saying, "Hey I'll be with you," like the angel will do God's dirty work, or if these angels are just glorified R2-D2s spouting off God's, "Help me Gideon, you're my only hope," holograms. Sorry, that's been bugging me since Genesis and I just couldn't keep it in any longer,  in any case Gideon is skeptical, so he asks this angel to prove he's God, or works for God or whatever. Gideon offers the angel some food and stuff, but the angel declines saying he can't eat it (That's a very angel thing to say don't you think). Instead he puts it on a rock and ZAP he touches it with a magic stick and it catches on fire, thus proving this is God's will or something. Or that we're suddenly in a Harry Potter novel, either way, still better than Numbers.

Anyway, let's move on, the town that Gideon lives in, well they all worship Baal, and so that night Gideon bombs to the middle of town and destroys Baal's altar. Ok I know God just came to you and all, but you've just pissed off your entire city. And lo the next day they all grab him, drag him to the killing rock and with stones in the air, accuse him of destroying Baal's altar, which he totally did. So they rear back and cast their stones, striking Gideon multiple times and killing him before he even really got going ... Ha yeah, just kidding, that would be funny though. No, Gideon asks them what the hell they're doing, "Hey, if Baal is real," he says, "won't he kill me himself?" All the townsfolk lower their rocks. "Hey yeah, that's true," they think, or say, or whatever, "If Baal is really all mean and powerful then he could do that, no he would." So the people leave Gideon alone and go on their merry way, content to just wait for Baal to smite the blasphemer down for destroying one of his altars. Either Gideon is very clever, the people of his town are very dumb, or like always, laziness has won out yet again. Yeah, we could stone this guy, but if Baal is real then he'll do it for us, but if he doesn't that's cool too. And yeah Baal doesn't, because as will be proven time and time again, Baal isn't real, like at all, either that or he's just the saddest god ever.

So, after this crazy incident, Gideon is given the nickname Jerub-Baal, which I guess means, "Likes to fuck with Baal," all I know is that from now on the Bible uses either name interchangeably, which is confusing as shit, just like when they switched between Jacob and Israel. Look when a name is changed, stick with the new one, or don't, but don't use one here and one there. And I'm not just complaining because it's inconsistent and annoying, but there are already way too many names to keep up with in this huge ass book, it's like reading a goddamn Tolkien novel over here, and now you're switching names whenever you feel like it? How the hell did this thing get published? Did the Bible have a editor? I'm starting to think not.

Yikes ok, rant over, I'm having a few of those this time through, so Gideon decides to head off and take on the Midianites. But I guess he's still unsure so he tests God two more times. First he asks God, "Hey God, I'm gonna leave this fleece on the ground over night, and if the fleece is wet but the ground is not, then I'll know you're the real deal." Ugh, ok so God obliges and the next day it's exactly how Gideon asked, then Gideon says, "Ok, awesome, but this time, I'll do the same thing and if the fleece is dry and the ground is wet, then I'll really know you're the real deal." Ok, seriously Gideon, is this necessary? Just go to war already, but God does it, and so finally, finally, finally, Gideon starts to round up Israelite soldiers. He's finally heading to war, and as we'll start to see, he's also losing his mind as well.

But that will have to wait till next time, when we'll see fun things like killer toast, magic jars, death by falling stones, the dumbest man in all of creation and so so much more. Judges gets better as time goes along, just you wait and see. The craziest shit is yet to come, and much of it comes right out of Gideon's crazy ass, until next time fellow traveler. And yes, you read that right: killer toast.