The Book That God Wrote, 1 Kings Part 1

Hey guys, I'm back. I say that a lot don't I? Well, I've decided to stop apologizing for it, I'm busy, you know that already, I know that already, let's just stop focusing on that ok? I'm never giving up on this project though, ever, that I promise, so even if there's no updates for ten years, keep refreshing this page because it will be coming soon. Anyway, today I'm going to tell you all about David's successor, the wise and very sexually experienced Solomon. Read on, read on.

David's Denouement:

1 Kings pretty much begins with David's end. He's old, and sickly, and apparently very cold. Seriously, it seems that no matter how many covers his servants throw on the old man he's still shivering and muttering about frostbite. So his servants come up with this bright idea: they decide to find him a young virgin to take care of him and to lie in bed with him to keep him warm. Seriously, that's their plan. Isn't Bathsheba, or any of David's wives for that matter, just a few rooms away? Couldn't she do that for him just as well as any random girl that they'd have to find? Apparently not, since David's servants just stumbled on a peculiar scientific fact: young virgins are actually warmer than older motherly women, by at least a few degrees depending on the magnitude of their virginity. Seriously, if the girl hasn't even kissed a guy before then she's probably cuddling at an average of 100 degrees. No kidding, that's gotta be why they'd go to all this trouble right? So "They searched throughout Israel for a beautiful girl and found Abishag, a Shunamite (1:3)." Wait, Abishag? Is that some kind of biblical equivalent of an Austin Power's joke, like Felicity Shagwell or something? Abishag? Anyway, "The girl was was very beautiful; she took care of the king and waited on him, but the king had no intimate relations with her (1:4)." Well, of course not, if he did her core temperature would decrease at least 2 degrees, and also he's gay, so there's that too. Man would I feel sorry for that poor girl if she had to sleep with that old, sick, and freezing cold dude, that would be really unpleasant to say the least (A lot like fucking that douche Edward).

Anyway, at about this time, one of David's sons, Adonijah, decides that he could totally be king. So he musters up a bunch of chariots and various other supporters and pretty much just declares himself as king, since that worked so well for his older brother Absalom right? One thing Adonijah has as opposed to Absalom though is the support of that violent disobedient douchebag Joab. You remember, the asshole that would explicitly disobey David's direct commands, even when it meant killing the poor man's son. Well this doesn't sit well with the main priests, or Bathsheba for that matter. See David had promised that Bathsheba's son (the one born after the baby God killed) would be the next king. So of course Bathsheba wants this, but the priests do too, which kind of implies that it's what God wants as well, so they devise a plan to tell David about this mutiny. Why they need a plan to do this rather than just walking in and telling him (which was kind of what their plan was anyway), I'll never know. Neither will I ever know why David wasn't already aware of these shenanigans, perhaps because of his illness, but still, you'd think he'd still try to keep up with his kingly duties.

In any case, David decides to do something about it, and at about the time that Adonijah's crew is up in the mountains celebrating that he'll be king, David calls a huge assembly and announces that Solomon will be the next king. Imagine Adonijah's surprise when a messenger shows up at his fund raiser party announcing "All hail the new king! God bless King Solomon!"
"What the fuck?!" is the only reaction that would suffice I'm sure. Hey genius, you know how David announced to the whole world that Solomon would be king? Maybe you should've done that first, so that everyone would think you were king, and then David would have to try and fix that mess, instead of basically only having to have a press conference. Seriously, I'm glad you aren't the next king, your priorities are all out of whack.
"Woo Adonijah, great party, hey did you remember to tell everyone that you were the next king?"
"Oh shit, I knew I forgot to do something."
And that kids is how Solomon became the king of Israel.

Our Definitions of "Wisdom" Must Be Different:

And so the inevitable happens, David finally passes away and Solomon becomes king, good and proper. So what's the first thing on his agenda? Killing folks, that's what. First on the list, or at least the most important, is that disobedient prick Joab. Finally, David should've taken care of that asshole years ago. That jackass went against David's direct commands every damn chance he got, especially when it meant killing someone. I can't lie, I'm happy Solomon took care of this royal douche sack. Next up ... well actually I don't feel like going through everybody Solomon has killed, he basically takes out everybody that ever crossed David, or even looked at him wrong, all Michael Corleone style (including that crazy bastard that threw dirt at him that one time, yeah even the crazy dude). After that he has Adonihah killed, and not even for trying to coup his way up to the throne, Solomon actually seems ok with that. No, Solomon has this cat killed because he requests to marry David's virgin cuddler Abishag. Seriously, Solomon has his half brother murdered for just asking to marry this girl. Why? I have no fucking clue, but apparently that was the wrong thing to ask for.

So, the one thing Solomon is known for, by pretty much everyone, is that he was wise. And not even that he was wise, that he asked for wisdom over anything else. Yep, God comes down to Solomon in a dream and offers him a single request, all genie style, and Solomon wishes for the wisdom to lead his people. Well, God is super impressed with this, and since he asked for something awesome like wisdom instead of something cliche like money, fame, or some extra prowess in the sack, he goes ahead and grants Solomon all those on top. The prowess in the sack thing isn't explicitly stated here, but come on, just read Song of Songs, or wait for me to get there for you, lazy prat. Though I find it a little weird that God seems to overlook the fact that a fucking king probably wouldn't ask for money or fame or women, seeing as they already have more than they can shake a stick at, but whatever. This is obviously a metaphor, a moral that a life seeking wisdom will automatically lead to money, fame, and prowess in the sack, while a life explicitly seeking these rewards will turn you into an annoying dick. Seriously, look it up.

Anyway, is there anything Solomon does that's particularly wise? I'm glad you asked, there's a story most people know, and it's presented in this book as proof that Solomon is the for real deal. One day these two prostitutes come to Solomon's judgment chamber. Yes, "prostitute" is the Bible's word here, not mine. Here's the story, these women live together and have babies about the same age, that they live together as single mothers is probably what makes them Biblical prostitutes. Anyhow, one of the women, I'll call her Bertha, rolls over her baby one night and kills it. So she makes an ole switch-a-roo with the other woman's baby, I'll call her Patricia. So, the next day Patricia wakes up to find her baby dead and freaks the fuck out ... that is until she realizes that it isn't her baby, so she freaks the fuck out again because fucking Bertha stole her child. Well Bertha swears up and down to Solomon that the baby's hers while Patricia does the same.

Wow, so who the hell is telling the truth? In the days before DNA tests and other forms of recording how in the world would you make a judgment call on this? Solomon, you're up, show us what you've got. So, Solomon muses over this for a few minutes, scratching his chin and muttering to himself. "Alright," he says finally, "cut the baby in half, give one half to Patricia and the other half to Bertha." Dude, Solomon, are you out of your damned mind? How is that even an option? Cutting the fucking baby in half? Are you insane? Well, actually it works, because Patricia goes out of her goddamned mind.
"What?!" she screams teary eyed, "No, let Bertha have the baby, don't kill it."
While Bertha is all cool with it, "Yeah, sure, half a baby sounds fair."
So a guard grabs the baby, sword in hand, ready to strike the little runt in half, with Patricia begging and crying and Bertha looking on with a smug smirk. "Stop," Solomon calls, "the child is obviously Patricia's since she'd rather see Bertha have it than see harmed, while Bertha's a damned snaky bitch." So, "When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice (3:28)."

Wow really? I think the Bible and I have different definitions for the word "wisdom." At best, Solomon was putting up a serious bluff and Bertha was dumb enough to fall for it; either that, or she just wanted the baby so she could eat it or something. Half a veal steak is better than no veal steak, am I right? Hell, you'd think that Bertha would also be disgusted at the thought of cutting a baby in half, and if she was 100% about keeping her stupid plan going you'd think she'd at least pretend to care about the damn kid. I remember this story even bothering me as a kid, it always felt more like Solomon was fighting stupid with stupid instead of really showing off his wisdom, though I guess that's what Proverbs is for really. Though in any case, the Bible is convinced he's wise, so let's just go with it: "He was wiser than any other man, including Ethan the Ezrahite--wiser than Heman, Calcol and Darda, the sons of Mahol (4:31)." What? Wiser than Heman?

Why does my hand hurt so?

I don't fucking think so. Actually that might be impressive if I knew who any of those people were. How about some practical examples? Ok, "He described plant life, from the cedar of Lebanon to the hyssop that grows out of walls. He also taught about animals and birds, reptiles and fish (4:33)." Man ... King Solomon is my new hero, he's like the biology professor of the Bible. He really is wise if he can teach people about fish, only wise people can do that.

"Shit King Solomon, what don't you do?"
"Fuck around! Ha!"

Unfortunately the next few pages are dedicated to Solomon building a temple and then building his palace. No more infanticide threats I'm afraid. Anyway, I actually thought they already had a temple, shows what I know. Though I'm damn sure Solomon already had a palace, so that seems a bit excessive. Anyway, as per usual this part of the book goes into excruciating detail about every single little measurement and material. All you need to know is that they were both awesome, had a lot of gold and cedars shipped by lumberjacks and the temple had some cherubim statues. I suppose the writers of the Bible go in such minute detail just in case you want to build your own man-cave version of these buildings. Anyway, after the temple is built Solomon spends a couple of pages praying over it, letting God know how awesome the new temple is and whatnot, and to dedicate it they apparently sacrifice 22,000 cattle and 120,000 sheep and goats. No kidding, check out 10:63, now that just seems ridiculously wasteful to me. Aren't there starving poor folks in Israel? And hell, even if not, you would make Heifer International shit a gold brick with a donation like that. What does God need with that many cows anyway? Seriously? Let's get some fucking perspective okay.

There are some other interesting facts found in these boring few pages. For instance, Israel was all kinds of into slave labor back then. Seriously, seems a little hypocritical to me, seeing as the only reason they were in Israel in the first place was because they were fucking slaves in Egypt, and suddenly they're enslaving the shit out of the former inhabitants of the promised land (poor Jebusites). This is like some kind of sick viscous cycle that I could harp on for a while, but I'll spare us both. Another interesting fact, straight from the horse's mouth, "The weight of gold Solomon received yearly was 666 talents (10:14)," yeah no kidding, he received the mark of the beast in talents of gold every year. So hey Christians, could we stop being scared of that stupid number now? I'm serious about this, 666 is just a damned number, our holy wiseman Solomon collected this in gold every year and he wasn't the Antichrist ... unless. Seriously though, do you think that if the Antichrist actually shows up that he'll seriously want to carve people with the number 666? Even atheists know not to fall for that nonsense, so seriously, let's stop being afraid of this here and now (Digression: once in 7th grade I wrote 333x2 on the board and my teacher made me erase it, so be careful, apparently any mathematical expression that even equals the mark of the beast is inherently evil).

Speaking of Egypt ... in that I mentioned it once up there. Solomon was married to the daughter of Pharaoh, and here I thought Israel and Egypt would never get along, what with all the plagues and slavery and stuff. Seems time will heal all wounds. Even better though, "Pharaoh king of Egypt had attacked and captured Gezer. He had set it on fire. He killed all the Canaanite inhabitants and then gave it as a wedding gift to his daughter, Solomon's wife (9:16)." Dude, best wedding present ever. Seriously, that's what I want for my next birthday. I want Denton Texas on a fucking platter, thanks. Anyway, I only bring this up just so I can segue into the fact that Solomon had a lot of wives, and I mean a lot. How many? How bout, "He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines (11:3)." Dude ... respect ... seriously. Ok, just to put this in perspective for you, King Solomon could fuck a different wife/concubine each night and could go up to 2 years and 8 months without boning any of them twice. He could bang 3 different girls each day and not make a full round robin until the year was almost up ... shit by that time he'd probably forget what that first one looked like anyway. Seriously, what did I tell you about his prowess in the sack, with all that practice he was a freakin wise expert in the art of love as well as animals and plants (again see Song of Songs).

And that's when I invented the Kama Sutra.

Well all these wives weren't the greatest thing in the world for ole Solomon, besides the unyielding nagging that would come from being involved with one thousand women. See, many of these women were foreign (Which makes since considering there probably wasn't even that many women in all of Israel), and with these foreign women came foreign gods. Specifically, the gods the real God wasn't on speaking terms with. And given enough nagging, especially from a thousand women, it's not long before Solomon is dragged to church, and before you know it, he's burning incense at the altar of Ashtoreth on Mondays, making offerings at the altar of Chemesh on Wednesdays, and being dragged to the worship orgies of Molech on Fridays, and then having to pay lip service at the temple he actually built on Sundays. Poor guy was busy, don't for a second think that having a thousand wives is all fun and games, the man hasn't seen a chariot race since 940 B.C. And don't for a second think that God sympathizes with the poor bastard. God punishes him by taking away his rule of Israel ... but not in his lifetime, during his son's lifetime. Oh ... so my punishment comes after I'm dead? Awesome, well I'm just gonna keep boning all my hot foreign wives and sacrificing shit to their gods so I can keep getting laid, peace.

Wow ... Solomon really was wise after all wasn't he? So what happens after that? Well, "As for the events of Solomon's reign-all he did and the wisdom he displayed-are they not written in the annals of Solomon? (11:41)." Um ... I don't know, are they? "Solomon reigned in Jerusulem over all Israel forty years (11:42)." Ok, I'm calling bullshit this very second, every judge, and king, and everything rules over their shit for forty years in the Bible, there's no possible way that could happen. It's not like they have forty year terms in Israel right? I mean their reign is over when they die, they don't just all happen to rule for exactly forty years do they? Grr, anyway, "Then he rested with his fathers and was buried in the city of David his father. And Rehoboam his son succeeded him as king (11:43)." Hm, wow ... well I guess that is it for Solomon for now, I guess we'll learn all about this Rehoboam fellow next time. Until then, stay frosty.