Hello boils and ghouls ... sorry, I'll never do that again in a month other than October. So as you can probably notice, there hasn't been a Bible entry in some time, and quite honestly there probably won't be for a while. Let me tell you why though before you start DDoS attacking the blog. The short version: I Got A Job! That's right, call me Professor Zach: Job Haver. After two years of unending applications, interviews, and depressing rejections, the interviews are finally over. Though now I have to pick up and move about 14 hours away ... that's why there hasn't been an entry in so long, and why you probably wont see one in a while. I'm going to try and fill the spot up with some other stuff that I can in the meantime, like Aural Pleasures and movie stuff and whatnot. But please bear with me (all two of you) while I make this pretty crazy transition.
One of the reasons I started this blog originally (sorta) was to share a bit of what it was like to go through the grad school ranks. Share some of my horror stories, some of my advice, possibly commiserate with others going through the same thing. Yeah, not much of that going on huh? That's okay, but what I would like to do is share some of my experiences during this two year bullshit. I've had a lot of interviews, three on campus ones, seven within three days at a math conference last year, and who knows how many more at various other times. So hey, I have a lot of experience answering the most asinine bullshit questions, and I have even more experience making a complete ass out of myself in the process. Here, let me share.
One of the worst (i.e. best) interviews I was on was with a women's university. This was this past January at another math conference in Boston. So I sit down at the table, I'm wearing the only suit I own and one of two ties I own. Across from me is the department head, a woman, and another faculty member, a man. That's a good sign, at least they hire men. The department head smiles at me and asks, "So, why the W?" That's what she fucking said, seriously, I'm not changing that for anonymity sake. "Well ..." I pause for a moment, I knew this question was coming, it always does (we'll get to that later), and for some inexplicable reason I go on this tirade about how women learn differently than men, even citing an article I had read a year before.
I'm serious, I actually did this. And it's true, women and men do learn things differently. The article I had read before studied how men and women's brains react to being read something out loud. They found that for men only half their brain lit up when being read to, for women though both sides of their brain lit up. Their conclusion? Women are much better at absorbing information audibly, while men are shit at it. Men, they posited, are generally better at hands on and visual learning. And so I said all this and ended with, "So I feel like being able to focus my teaching style in this way would make me far more effective, and would be a very beneficial opportunity for me as a teacher."
Yes I really said that, I even described the fucking article I read. The department head gave me this forced smile, almost a grimace really, "Well ... the university was compulsorily desegregated in 1971." Welp, that's me boned, goodbye job at Women's University, guess I should have done my research, but seriously, you ask a bullshit question you get a bullshit answer. Now, most people would throw in the towel at this point, faced with no chance in hell like I was. Or maybe some people would try to turn it around, I'll at least be memorable, and maybe I can fix it in the next questions. Not Me! On one of their next questions I went on yet another rant about students, and it basically goes like, "I can fix a lot of things, I can fix someone being bad at math, or having a shaky background, but one thing I can't do is fix apathy. If a student is completely apathetic about the class or college in general, there's nothing I can do to fix that."
Yep, I started saying that in a lot of interviews, because after a year I just stopped giving a shit about what people thought about me. You'll hire me, not the timid guy tiptoeing around your bullshit questions. I don't know if this is good advice, and I'm not giving this as advice. But I did say a version of this to Current Job University, and that seemed to work out just fine. Also, shockingly, Women's University contacted me about a month later to ask if I was still interested ... really? After an interview like that I figured they would just burn my application package.
Anyway, I've had a lot of interviews, and made an ass out of myself a lot, and basically felt like Marshall in this clip.
The good news is that sometimes things work out. With current job I probably gave the worst phone interview of my life, and they still followed up. But I'm done being all mushy, I want to end this post with a little something for those of you still in the game. Here's some of the common interview questions you'll hear, and I'll give you my my answer, but in hindsight you should probably say something else.
"Why our university?" also known as, "So what interested you in this position?"
Oh I don't know, it can't be that I need a job and you have an opening. And it's not like your pile of bricks is really that different from any other pile of bricks calling itself a university. Yep, expect this question every single time, surely they know that you've applied to every fucking school advertising a decent (and sometimes not so decent) position, and hell you probably forgot you even applied to this bullshit school. If anything they should tell you what sets them apart from the myriad of other schools parading around out there. They will, but my guess is they want to make sure you at least went to the effort to look at their website. Try to come up with some good sounding B.S. thing to say about what's nice about they're school, it's the least you can do since they're gracing you with the holiness of their presence with an interview. At least that's what I imagine them thinking. And besides, having a good look at the website will let you know things like when a women's university was forcibly desegregated.
"What's your ideal balance between teaching and research?"
Oh, um, let's see, my ideal balance? Hmm I'd say probably Zero:Zero would be my ideal balance. What do you think asshole? This one baffles me, if you want me to teach I'll teach, if you want me to research I'll research. Does anyone finish up a week and think, "Wow that was the perfect balance between teaching and research! I'm as happy as a clam." No, and if they do they've basically just ensured that they'll never get laid. My ideal balance is being paid in 21 year old scotch and 21 year old concubines for watching youtube videos of other people playing videogames, but that's not going to happen so I'll just say "60:40?" Oh shit you're a teaching institution and I should've said "120% teaching," fuck.
"Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years?"
With the way these interviews are going? Fucking nowhere. I don't know what is up with this question. Let's see, I'm applying for an assistant professor position, which usually lasts at least 5-6 years, so in five years I see myself doing that. Are you retarded? Do you think I'll suddenly be a space marine? Or are you trying to backdoor into my personal life. Basically it's none of your goddamn business if I want to start a family, or if I want to join a Pony Play club. I want a fucking job, and if I get hired, in five years I see myself working at that job, unless something better comes along, but it's not like I can foresee that kind of thing can I? Stop asking dumbass questions.
"Give us some insight to your teaching, how does a typical day in your class go?"
I don't know, how does a typical day in your class go smart ass? I promise it's not much different than mine. Do you walk in and fucking teach them math? Really? Wow, so do I, we have so much in common. Seriously, let's stop acting like there's anything magical to teaching. I know the education departments feel the need to fill class after class with a bunch of bullshit so they can feel important. But no amount of lesson plans and paper work is going to make you a good teacher. You can either do it, or you can't, and I promise you, most teachers approach things in an overall similar way. Sure we'll all have different styles (and in a lot of ways I get the feeling that the education major is set up to squash individual styles and conform everyone to the boss's style, whoever that is), but in general I walk in, answer their questions and explain shit and do examples. Is their another way to do it? I'm not going to walk in and start juggling and singing the Katamari song ... though maybe I should.
There you go, some typical questions for you if you're interviewing for a professor position, though the third one is everyone's bane. After reading all that I bet you think it's a miracle I got a job at all huh? Me too. It's been a frustrating and depressing couple of years, but it's finally over, and I feel ... well good for the first time in a long time. I wouldn't say I've been unhappy really, I'm generally a happy guy. But trying to get a job for two years will fuck up anyone's mood, and finally I feel I can smile when I think about my future. Things are bad out there, perhaps you can take my tale as a small grain of hope that things are getting better. Keep at it readers, it may take a while, and you might even make an ass out of yourself, but if I'm anything to go by, it might just work out for you anyway. I'll see you on the other side.
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