The Book That God Wrote, Genesis Part 3

Finally! Welcome to part three in "The Book That God Wrote" series, where we finish off Genesis once and for all. Sorry for the extreme lateness of this post, me and super spy girlfriend went on a road trip up to TN which stopped this in its tracks basically, but here it is, finally. So, how did Jacob's children turn out and did he learn anything from his own troubled childhood? Here we meet the first good natured person in this whole messed up bloodline, even though he's prone to playing pranks on his brothers (but hey, who isnt?). These final chapters also have such things as additional foreskin slaughter, technicolor dream coats, attempted fratricide, and some oddly placed coitus interruptus (isn't it always?). Read on fellow traveler (or read the introduction, or parts one and two if you're just joining us).

Dinah and the Shechemites:

Let me tell you about Shechem, he's basically the most bizarre rapist I've ever heard of. See, Jacob's daughter Dinah was out chilling in the wilderness (there was a lot of wilderness back then huh?) and Shechem sees her and gets all hot and bothered by this great granddaughter of Abraham (making Sarah her ancestor too, so hotness must run in the family as well). Now Shechem is a prince of the area, and I guess is used to having his own way, so he rapes her. I hope he at least tried the "Hey did you know I'm a prince?" line before going for brute force. Then immediately after this the "good" book says ... hell I'll quote my translation: "...he took her and violated her. His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her (Gen 34:2-3)." What? So now I'm confused, did he rape her, or just sleep with her in an unmarried kinda way? Most sources say she was raped, also my divinity school sister (heh I like that) thinks that she probably was raped. So, what the hell? He rapes her, and then has the balls to start with the fucking pillow talk. Even worse, he's fallen in love with his rape victim, this is horrible on so many levels. Goes to show that you should try talking to a girl before forcing your man parts on her, she might just be the love of your life, I don't know, just a thought.

So Sechem goes to his dad and says "Dad, I love this girl, she's so great: funny, smart, beautiful, and doesn't put up enough of a fight apparently. She's perfect for me, I wanna marry her." So king and prince travel to meet with Jacob to try and get this completely fucked up marriage arranged. Before they can show, news of Dinah's rape gets to Jacob and his sons who are fucking pissed (obviously, can you imagine?). I'm surprised they don't kill Shechem and his pop the moment they show up, I would've, I goddamn guarantee. No, they hear them out, the king has an interesting proposition: "Hey Jacob, my son wants to marry your daughter, I ask that you oblige because I have an awesome idea. Let your people and my people intermarry starting with Shechem and Dinah. Let's get together and call ourselves an institute, we'll become one people and share all our stuff and our land and our slaves and we'll be the baddest tribe in the land. What do you say?" And Jacob agrees (through his seething teeth I imagine), but with one condition: "You people aren't circumcised, we're not doing shit until you're all foreskinless. But, if you're that serious about this deal, then sure, we'll join together." Talk about hardball, Jesus Christ, there's no way they'll agree to that.

Actually Shechem's like "Hell yes, I will cut off a piece of my penis to marry Dinah," wow maybe he actually was in love. Thus the king says, "Umm well it'll be worth becoming the most powerful tribe, what's a week's pain and no sex for more power, sure we agree." So they all shake on it and the royalty, with Dinah in tow, head back home with the"great" news. This whole time Levi and Simeon (sons of Jacob) have been giving each other decided looks, they have a plan of their own. The king and Shechem get back to their city and proclaim, "We have new allies! Hooray! Get ready for some intermarrying and sharing ... oh but there's this little fine print, please line up for the mohel before you go, thanks."  So they all cut their foreskins off, and for the next few days are lying around in pain, I imagine lots of moaning and cursing their stupid prince. Imagine if that law was passed in your city, ha I'd be the first one packing my bags, "Think I'll take my chances with the Sodomites thanks" (yes I know Sodom was destroyed a few generations ago, leave me alone). Now, while every man is lying around in agonizing pain, Levi and Simeon approach the city gates, unsheathe their swords, and fucking kill every man in the entire city (probably at a relaxed pace too since those assholes can't put up any fight now). Damn, shit just got real in the Bible.

That was epic. They didn't just avenge their sister by killing the asshole who raped her, no, they killed the entire city this asshole ruled over, even though the citizens had nothing to do with it. Levi and Simeon are hard mother fuckers, a lot like these guys. When Jacob shows up he's a little perturbed, I mean he's glad about the revenge, Shechem deserved to be circumcised and stabbed in the face, everyone agrees, but his two sons just massacred a whole fucking city. That can be bad when news of that travels around. Anyway Jacob sighs and says, "Well as long as we're here, let's take all their shit before we get the hell outta dodge. Oh, don't forget their women and slaves " This was the lawless west (er middle east actually) after all, when you find (or make) a city with no men to guard it, you take whatever you want and leave. What's the moral of this story kids? Do not fuck with Levi and Simeon.

Judah and Tamar:

Judah is another son of Jacob's who went off and married a Canaanite woman (remember how Abraham felt about those assholes?). He had two sons with her: Er and Onan. I love that the Bible specifies that husbands sleep with their wives and then the wives conceive (seriously give it a read, it does this a lot). Whew, thanks Bible, I was confused about how that worked. But I digress, wait, his name was Er? That's like being asked what your son's name will be and you hadn't even thought that far so you're like "Er ..." "Oh great name, ok moving on, let's cut his foreskin off and make it official." In any case, Judah gets a wife for Er named Tamar, I guess to make up for the unfortunate name. But Er was wicked, so God put him to death ... yeah I know, it doesn't specify, I'm almost quoting what my translation says word for word here. Apparently God was judge, jury, and executioner back then, not to mention police cop. But hey, I can see it, you name me Er then I'm going to join a Bible wilderness gang and have knife fights too.

As if this wasn't bad enough for Tamar, Judah tells her to start sleeping with Er's brother Onan. This was the custom as I understand it actually, when your husband died you automatically became the wife of his brother. It really sucked to be a woman in biblical days, you were basically property given to men as presents. I'm starting to see why all the women in this book have been acting so horribly, I would to in their position. Anyway, Onan wasn't too happy about getting Er's sloppy seconds and he doesn't want to have kids with Tamar, because for some reason they'd be counted as Er's children. Yeah, I don't get it either, um hey genius, when you get Tamar pregnant that will be your kid, not Er's. I guess they didn't have a strong understanding of cause and effect yet. In any case, what does Onan do? Every time he has sex with Tamar he pulls out at the last minute and spills his semen all over the floor. Oh I see, so you'll still have sex with her. And the floor? Man, at least use a towel or something. Now God doesn't like this, he considers it wicked, so he puts Onan to death too. Wha-Why? Is this where the Catholic church gets their hate on for birth control? Is coitus interruptus really that big of a deal? Or is it more of a contextual thing? Back then the population problem wasn't an "over" one yknow. Besides that, the only thing I can think is that God is watching everyone at all times, including when they're having sex, so I guess he appreciates a good show. Onan, the floor? Come on, at least give God a good money shot. Let that be a message to all of us, rain or shine, we better give it our all for that big voyeur in the sky.

You'd think Tamar's problems would be over, well nope, Judah tells her that she'll live like a widow until his next son, Shelah, grows up. Oh damn, can you imagine? Oh, your second husband died? Well it's ok, see this kid? Just wait until he grows up. So Tamar goes back to live with her father as a widow until this little brat gets old enough to give her the business. Now, a few years later, after Judah's Canaanite wife dies he goes to shear his sheep, which is around the place where Tamar is living now. When Tamar hears that her father in law is coming her way she gets this batshit plan. She gets rid of her widow clothes and dresses all sexy and covers her face, then she waits by the roadside. When Judah strolls by he thinks she's a shrine prostitute. A what? What the hell is a shrine prostitute? Anyway, he says,
"Hi prostitute, let me sleep with you."
"This hotness isn't free asshole, what will you pay me?"
"I'll send you a goat, how does a goat sound?"
"I don't work on credit, what do you have as collateral I can keep until I get my goat?"
"I don't know, what do you think's fair?"
"Your seal and you staff should do."
"Yeah, yeah, ok fine, just do me already."
So Judah sleeps with his daughter in law, and she becomes pregnant. Later Judah comes back with the goat and he can't find this prostitute. In fact he wanders around asking people, "Hey, have you seen this prostitute? I need to pay her this goat." Really? You're just gonna walk around and ask people that? Turns out it's ok, because people just answer, "There's no prostitute around here, sorry man." Now, Judah doesn't know what to do, his seal and staff are gone and he can't go public about it because they were stolen by an imaginary whore. So he just heads home to pout. Later Tamar is accused of prostitution, I guess they came to the conclusion since a celibate widow became pregnant (the Mary strategy hadn't been invented yet). Thus Judah gets all pissed, "Bring her to me and she'll be burned!" Wow, way to go hypocrite, I guess it's ok when you're fucking a prostitute, but when your daughter in law IS one, it's suddenly not ok. Man, you're in for a surprise. When Tamar's thrown in front of Judah she says, "I'm pregnant by the man who owns these! Do you recognize them asshole?" and she produces the seal and staff. Jacob's response is awesome, he says "She is more righteous than I (Gen 38:26)," which is true, but seriously, it doesn't take much really. "And he did not sleep with her again (Gen 38:26)," well that's good I guess.

So that was her plan all along? Yeah there are so many ifs here that it's a miracle it came together at all. First, what if Judah wasn't into prostitutes, you had to just hope he'd see you on the side of the road and think "Yes, I think I'll fuck this stranger." Second, it was pretty lucky that he couldn't pay, how do you know he wasn't just carrying a goat around ready to pay for a whore? Third, you've been accused of prostitution, what's to stop Judah from just saying "Aha! You're a thief too!" women had zero rights back then, they'd certainly take his word over yours. Maybe she had no plan, maybe she just wanted to sleep with her father in law for some reason. She had been stuck in widow clothes for who knows how long, she might've been ready to straddle a flagpole by that point. Or maybe she just wanted to humiliate the old bastard in the only way she could: deceitful trickster sex. Maybe she was willing to die for that revenge (she didn't have all that much to live for at that point really). In either case, if all this makes her righteous in any sense, then I'm completely misinformed about what that word means. So far the Bible is failing in the morals department big time, she just got rewarded and called righteous for pretending to be a whore and sleeping with her father in law, I mean I guess there isn't anything super wrong with what she did, but does this belong in the introduction of our "holy" book?

Hey, here's a strange way to end this story. Turns out Tamar has twins, and when she's about to give birth, laying there doing her breathing exercises, one of the kids sticks his hand out of her vagina. I guess to wave at everyone? So what do the midwives do? They tie a red ribbon on his hand, thinking "Hey, he'll be the first born." Nope, he shoves his hand back in there and the other kid decides to barrel out first. I um ... I don't think it works that way. It's not a goddamned playpin in there yknow? There's barely enough room for one kid, let alone two. You're telling me that one son already had his hand out and then they switched places? Uh huh, I mean it's a fine story an everything, and this could be possible, I'm not an obstetrician or anything. But it seems extremely far fetched. And I know a typical answer for arguments such as this: "God can make anything possible." Well sure he can, but why the fuck would he? I just don't get it.

 Joseph and His Technicolor Awes-coat:

Turns out Jacob didn't learn very much from his fucked up childhood. He favored his youngest son Joseph, but at least he has a more reasonable excuse. See Joseph was the son conceived by Rachel, the woman he actually loved, all of his other sons came from Leah. Understandably, Jacob's other sons hated Joseph, they grew up seeing their father dote on Rachel and Joseph while basically ignoring them and their mother. This is bad, remember Levi and Simeon? Those were sons born of Leah, it's not a good idea to make them angry. Further, it turns out they're all pretty bloodthirsty too, Jacob's that parent whose complete attention is elsewhere while his sons build a pipe bomb in the basement, it's about to get bad. Joseph doesn't help his situation either, he's favored by his father sure, but he just makes things worse. See he wakes up one day and says "Hey brothers, I had a dream last night where you all bowed down to me, I was your master." I can see Levi grumbling and Simeon gripping his sword's handle. Sure Joseph's just a little guy, but he should've kept that to himself. But no, in fact later he has another dream where his brothers AND his father bow down to him. His brothers are so pissed, and even Jacob rebukes him. "Don't say things like that son," maybe he was starting to notice the mutinous grumblings from his other sons.

Apparently it didn't sway Jacob all that much because he gets Joseph this badass coat that's all different colors; something like this:

Hey, this was a big deal back then, imagine what a pain in the ass it was to dye clothes one or two colors, let alone many. Of course Joseph thought it was the shit, and he probably wore it every fucking day. I can see him following his older brothers around telling them about how awesome it was: "Oh it's made of this awesome linen that keeps me cool out in the desert. This shade of purple alone had to be dyed specially in Sodom," (Again I know Sodom's gone, leave me alone). In other words, the sons of Leah have had enough of their bratty little brother, it's time they did something.

Leah's sons, like their father and grandfather, tend flocks but Joseph just bums around at home, stirring more discontent. One day, Jacob sends Joseph out to check on his under appreciated hard working boys. This must have been a bad day, because when the brothers see Joseph coming they decide to kill him.
"Argh, here comes that little bastard Joseph."
"Let's kill him!"
"...Okay."
They decide to kill him, throw his body in a cistern, and tell Jacob that a lion ate him. Not the greatest plan ever, but with without these guys on your tail back then it could certainly work. They don't say who first suggested this bloodthirsty plan, but I'm looking at either Levi or Simeon. After slaughtering an entire city, what's one bratty little brother? I imagine the other brothers being easily swayed by these murderous psychopaths, "It'll be easy, hell we'll even do all the dirty work, you just have to play along with our story. Then no more fucking Joseph and his dumb dreams." The Bible doesn't say any of this specifically, but it's how I interpret it. Especially since Reuben, the oldest brother, says "No let's not murder him, let's not get our hands dirty. Throw him in the cistern sure, he'll die eventually and we haven't technically committed murder, and he'll still be just as dead." You see, Reuben wanted to come back later and save Joseph from the cistern. Why didn't he just disagree with his brothers and try to sway them the other way? He must have been terrified, shit Levi and Simeon could've easily made him murder number two that day if he didn't agree. I'm starting to think these two are more like this guy instead. So anyway, when Joseph shows up his brothers do as they planned, they rip his awesome coat off and throw him in an empty cistern to die slowly (except Reuben plans to sneak back and save him later).

Later on they see some Ishmaelites roll by on camels (Ishmael was Abraham's first born son, remember Hagar? Her son was Ishmael), and Judah gets this great plan. "Hey," he says, "Why kill Joseph? What's that do for us? Let's sell him to those guys, he'll be out of our hair for good and we'll get some money for it." Hell yeah, they all agree and so they sell him and skip away with the cash. So much for Reuben's plan after all, actually I think he did split after the murder so he could come back later to get Joseph, but the cistern was already empty when he did. Then when Reuben sees Judah next he's all "Hey, here's your share of the cash, we decided to sell the little bitch." Damn, it could've worked. Anyway, the brothers rip up Joseph's coat and cover it in animal blood and bring it to their father, who rips his own clothes and cries and mourns his beloved son for the rest of his life (well almost). Before I move on I should say that the stuff with Judah and Tamar happens after this, so when he says she's more righteous than he is, perhaps this is what he means. I'll say, selling your brother into slavery is way worse than pretending to be a prostitute and screwing an in-law.

Meanwhile, the Ishmaelites sell Joseph to an Egyptian captain named Potiphar, a very high ranking fellow in Pharaoh's entourage. So, Joseph is such a good little slave that, in no time at all, Potiphar has put him in charge of his entire house, king of Potiphar's slaves if you will. Well all this hard slave work has really toned Joseph up, and Potiphar's wife starts aching for this kid's hotness. I imagine this high society lady, married to a douche in Pharaoh's clique, who sees this hot Hebrew fellow working around the house and she's extremely bored. She wants this built foreign kid to give her the business. Also, Egyptians didn't take kindly to Hebrews, they wouldn't even eat dinner at the same table with them, so apparently she's also aching to do something taboo. Man, the bored rich wife who wants to fuck the hot gardener: this story really is as old as dirt huh? The only thing different here is that Joseph isn't into it, he's a goody two shoes it seems. Being sold by his brothers and working his way up the slave ladder has humbled him some. Also, he respects Potiphar, he wont risk his job for this. Well like most rich women, she wont take "no" for an answer and continuously pleads for some hot Hebrew action. Eventually she's tired of asking and decides to give him the ole one, two, pounce'n'grab surprise seduction. Joseph freaks out and takes off, leaving his coat behind (what is it with this kid and coats?) and this bitch uses it to frame Joseph. "Your slave tried to have his way with me! See? He left his coat in my bedroom." Well what's a slave's word against the wife of an honorary douche captain? So Joseph is thrown in the dungeon. Way to go lady, now you'll really never have a chance. I know getting rejected hurts, but you could've gotten him eventually, you didn't even try "the naked man" for Christ's sake.

Things get a little slow now, Joseph is able to work his way up the dungeon ladder too. Somehow the guards noticed how awesome he was and promoted him up to honorary guard. He also has a knack for interpreting dreams, remember the dreams he had as a child? Well his predictions are always right, and soon he's worked his way up to Pharaoh, and this god incarnate likes Joseph so much that he makes the kid his number two in command. I figure Joseph is either a really hard worker blessed with a wonderful gift or he's a charismatic charlatan with an extreme amount of luck. Predicting seven years of abundance followed by seven years of famine is what got him the in with Pharaoh, and that would be really hard to fake. Joseph is also a savvy business man, and through the convenience of this abundance and drought he's single handedly able to buy up all the land in Egypt for Pharaoh. He's a humble little guy too, all of this great stuff he does he just shrugs off and says, "It's just God, he's blessed me." He certainly has my man, things are certainly looking up for ole Joseph, and then the unthinkable happens.

Who do you think slinks into town during this seven year famine to buy grain? Joseph's brothers of course, they walk right into his chamber, bow to him, and say "Master, may we please buy grain?" It seems Joseph really does have a knack for dreams. Funny thing is they don't recognize him, he's aged some, buffed up, and probably looks like an Egyptian fellow, like this.

But he recognizes them, he's probably thought of these horrible bastards every single day of his life, and now he's king (or as close as a "mortal" can be in Egypt), and here they are in his chamber. Revenge is easily in his grasp if he wants it.

Surprisingly, Joseph hesitates (or what I see as hesitation anyway, he's at least conflicted). Sure he fucks with them a little bit, you know, the usual stuff: accusing them of espionage, throwing Simeon in the dungeon, planting his favorite cup in their stuff and then accusing them of stealing it. All pretty mild stuff when compared to what's come before in this book, and especially compared to what they did to him. Though I'm starting to wonder why he doesn't really bring the hammer down. Could it be because he learns about his younger brother Benjamin (an actual born of Rachel brother)? Or maybe he's just warming up for some serious revenge? Though through most of his antics he's actually fighting back tears, he seems to want to lash out at them, but at the same time has trouble following through. Eventually, though, he breaks down and reveals himself, which certainly puts the fear of God into his brothers. The kid they sold into slavery is now a buff ruler of Egypt, even Levi and Simeon must be quaking, but Joseph reassures them that he means no harm. It's fascinating to me what Joseph says to his brothers: "What you did to me you did out of wickedness, it was terrible, but God made it good."

No wonder Joseph was so hesitant for revenge, being sold into slavery was the best thing that ever happened to him. If it hadn't happened then he would still be the same bratty daddy's boy that he was before, he would've been that useless little shit his whole life. If he even made it that far, I see Levi or Simeon stabbing the kid in his sleep eventually if his shit kept up, regardless of what their brothers thought. Being betrayed and sold by his brothers really lit a fire under Joseph, it humbled him, buffed him up, and turned him wary and business savvy. He was this great man now because he had to work his way up from slave to king; from rock bottom to the top of the heap. He didn't want to punish his brothers for what they did, he wanted to fucking hug them for it. "What you did was terrible, but God made it wonderful." Yes his experience certainly humbled him, and I like to think God only helps those who help themselves. Joseph might not have started out as a great guy (let's be real, he was a little bitch), but I love the man he becomes. He's hard working, humble, and sure he fucks with his brothers some, who wouldn't under the same circumstances? But in the end he forgives them, Christ he practically thanks them (and he gives them land right outside of Egypt too). Joseph seems to be the first guy in this whole damn book exemplifying the good traits that Christianity is supposed to be known for, and all I can say is that it's about time.

 The Twelve Tribes of Israel:

So what's left in Genesis? Not much really, when Jacob hears Joseph is still alive he's obviously thrilled, and the whole family moves out to live near Egypt. Has Jacob learned anything in his rocky life? Yes, apparently one thing hit him. Before he dies he gives all of his sons blessings, they might not all be good blessings, but by God, they all get one. Jacob's twelve sons go on to form the twelve tribes of Israel you've heard so much about (remember Jacob's name changing to Israel back in part 2?). I wont take the time out to recite every blessing Jacob gives but two certainly caught my eye. He says to Levi and Simeon, "Simeon and Levi are brothers- (Gen 49:5)," Ha yes they are, in fact all of your sons are brothers genius. Anyway, continuing:

Their swords are weapons of violence. Let me not enter their council, let me not join in their assembly, for they have killed men in their anger and hamstrung oxen as they pleased. Cursed be their anger, so fierce, and their fury, so cruel! I will scatter them in Jacob and disperse them in Israel (Gen 49:5-7).

I'm so glad to see this, Levi and Simeon are hard mother fuckers to be sure, but it's good to see that their bloodthirsty antics aren't being rewarded. In fact, their blessing is obviously more of a curse. Another blessing that caught my eye was Judah's, his was pretty darn good. But from the antics Judah pulled, he seemed to be an asshole really. Jacob says that Judah will never lose his scepter, that his brothers' sons will bow to him, he'll be a kingly fellow basically. He goes on to say that Judah's eyes will be as dark as wine and his teeth will be as white as milk. Man really? Judah bombs around being a complete dick (not a murderer though) and becomes a sexy king, so we're back to strange rewards for terrible actions it seems. Maybe Judah has done some awesome things that I haven't read yet, or that I don't remember.

What follows from here is a list of Jacob's sons, the tribes they form, and my guess as to what they'll become based on my interpretation of Jacob's blessing. I'm doing this as an introduction to the twelve tribes, as I think I remember them being pretty important.

Reuben: Cursed because he slept with Jacob's concubine in his fathers own bed, too bad, guess he's not a big player (Sorry I didn't go into detail with this story above, it was really only one fucking sentence Gen 35:22). Which is too bad, I really liked Reuben, come on, concubines are fair game right?

Simeon and Levi: I'm guessing these guys go on to be fairly violent tribes, I imagine I'll see some mean mother fuckers bombing around the wilderness called Levites or Simites or something.

Judah: I'm guessing he'll start a tribe that rules over the other ones? Or they'll own a lot of land or something.

Zebulun: Seems this will be a coastal tribe, a "haven for ships" as Jacob puts it.

Issachar: I'm thinking this tribe will have a time of relaxation before being forced into slavery somehow. Or perhaps their land will start off abundant, but will become shitty after time.

Dan: Will provide justice for the people of Israel, I'm not quite sure what that means. Jacob also compares him to a snake biting a horse that throws off its rider ... no idea.

Gad: Egad! Gad will be attacked by raiders, but he'll fight back, and fight back dirty I guess?

Asher: These guys are going to be great cooks, fucking gourmet chefs these guys.

Naphtali: I think this tribe will be hot, I mean all Jacob does is compare Naphtali to a deer that bears beautiful fawns, not much to go on.

Joseph: Joseph is blessed, obviously, no matter what comes his way he turns out alright, and always will.

Benjamin: This guy sounds like a fuckin pirate, Jacob calls him a "ravenous wolf (Gen 49:27)," that devours his prey and divides the plunder. Are the Benjamites pirates? I really hope so.

I'm really excited to see what happens with these tribes, are there wars and feuds? Or did the sibling rivalry and fucked up family shenanigans end with Joseph? I really hope that's not the case, because that's where the fun lies.

That's it for Genesis, the first chapter in the book that God wrote. Be on the lookout for a possible "what I learned" for some final thoughts on it. More importantly, be on the lookout for when I start Exodus. Exodus is when these crazy kids bombing around all willy nilly in the wilderness finally get some laws passed down from on high. Is the fun about to end? Not entirely, we get to meet Moses, the badass man of God who can't be out magiced or outdone by his Egyptian oppressors. The man who parts the fucking red sea. Does that ring any bells? You've seen the movies right?

Right?

Until next time fellow traveler (I should've split Genesis into 4 parts, yikes).