The Book That God Wrote, Judges Part 3

Hello there, welcome to Part 3 of Judges, or what I like to call "The Wanton Folly of Strongman Samson." That's right, we finally get to talk about that well known maniacally violent warrior of God, the man who disemboweled a lion with his bare hands, the man who really liked honey (and I mean really liked), and the man with the magical hair. How dumb is Samson? Well you'll just have to read on to find out, but spoiler alert: he's really fucking dumb.

Brains, Brawn, and Bees:

Today we get to talk about Samson, finally, let's see, Samson is the dumbest bastard I've found so far in this good book, but I'd like to say that he makes up for it by being really strong and a pro in the sack, but I don't know. Sure he's strong, and the Bible doesn't say about his bedroom antics, but I don't think it balances out. Why is this dolt even in the Bible? What does he teach us? It's not "Hey it's ok if you're dumb, just be strong instead," because yeah I don't see that, and it doesn't seem to be "Don't be like this dumb shit Samson," either. I don't really know what to take away from this brutish imbecile, and according to my Divinity School sister, a lot of other scholars feel the same way. How did this gigantic dumbass become a Judge? Seriously? Anyway, enough prestory rambling, let's just get to it, and find out what this Samson guy is all about.

Let's start all the way at the beginning with Samson's birth, a fine place to start. Samson had the special privilege of having an angel visit his parents to tell them that they'd have this awesome baby, chosen by God to rock and roll for the Israelites. And I guess stupidity must run in the family because the specific thing that the angel tells both of them is that, "Yeah, while the mother's pregnant with this child, she's not allowed to drink wine or any other fermented drink." Wow, thanks angel, come down in a pillar of smoke and light to tell us the one thing everyone already knows about pregnancy, "No Alcohol!" (which is a shame really 'cause I'm sure being drunk would make the whole pregnant thing a hell of a lot more tolerable, but that's a discussion for another time). So it took an angel to swing down and tell these hapless folks, "Yeah, I know you wanna just drink till you kill this kid with alcohol poisoning, but don't, he's gonna be dumb enough as it is already, please don't make it any worse. For whatever reason God has chosen this kid for something." The angel also tells them that they aren't allowed to cut this kid's hair. Why? Because he's going to have magic hair of course. That's right, magic hair, the Bible gets better and better by the day, but we'll see more with the magic hair later. And so the woman gives birth nine months later and she names him Samson.

So Samson grows into a very strong and very dumb dude who goes bombing around Israel. In the town of Timnah, he sees a beautiful Philistine woman, she's apparently so beautiful that he goes back home and says, "Yo Mom and Dad, I saw this totally hot girl in Timnah, I want to marry her, like woah." Um, Samson? Yeah, Hi, it's me Zach, the replacement for your brain. So, is your only criteria for marriage the hotness of the girl? I mean sure, store that image in the ole brain box for later, by all means, but Christ, you haven't even talked to this girl yet. For all you know she might be a complete fucking bitch (Spoiler alert: she is), plus she's a Philistine, Philistines are the cats oppressing the Israelites right now, it's not gonna work out (Spoiler alert: it doesn't). This last thing his parents are quick to point out, "Isn't there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife (14:3)." Man, you know it's bad when their first suggestion is a fucking family member, "God, a Philistine? Really? Isn't there a cousin around here you could marry instead?" But no, Samson insists that he wants to marry this Philistine so off they go to Timnah to arrange this mess.

On the way to Timnah, Samson is attacked by a lion, for no real reason other than lion's are cool and Samson is strong (Brock Samson is named after this guy for a reason you know). But it's ok Samson is so strong he just tears the lion apart with his bare hands. With that taken care of he heads on down the road to Timnah to meet his parents and fiancee, and according to the Bible, "He liked her (14:7)." Yeah, Samson has terrible luck with women, you'll see trust me, you'll see (though some of you already know). A little later, Samson goes back out to check on the lion he killed, don't ask me why, I guess he wanted to see if it was still there, or poke it with a stick, or something. Anyway, "He turned aside to look at the lion's carcass. In it was a swarm of bees and some honey, which he scooped out with his hands and ate as he went along (14:8-9)." Awww Samson! Oh man, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but those weren't bees, and I don't know what it was you ate out of that rotting carcass, but it sure as hell wasn't honey. So, "When he rejoined his parents, he gave them some, and they too ate it (14:9)." Samson! Ugh, Jesus Christ dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You grab something out of a rotting carcass, and I don't care if it actually was honey, it came out of a rotting carcass, but then you feed it to your parents. "But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion's carcass (14:9)." Good call you mischievous bastard, otherwise they wouldn't have eaten it. Fucking gross man, even if you saw a shit ton of bees making honey in a rotting carcass, why the fuck would you grab some and eat it? I just ... I ... ugh I gotta move on.

Samson, Wielder of the Ass Jaw:

At Samson's marriage feast, which is apparently what the grooms did back then, Samson strikes up a little challenge with the thirty Philistine companions he was given (Wait, companions? What kind of companions?), "If you can answer my little riddle, then I owe you thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes, if you can't then you owe me thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes." So, I guess Samson was hurting for clothes to wear, he must've been tired of that dirty ole fur toga he'd been wearing his whole life. In any case, why is Samson proposing a contest of wits? You'd think he'd just scream, "I can arm wrestle you all you bitches to death," or just start sparring with them ... Oh ... oh dear, Samson must be one of those really dumb guys that thinks they're really clever, ugh, well this oughta be good. Anyway, these cats agree to his terms and hear his riddle, "Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet (14:14)." Man, that's a terrible riddle, usually when riddle competitions get started they at least have good riddles, this just seems to be based on his dumb experience with the corpse honey (Dibs on that death metal band name), and who would ever figure that out.

As it turns out, these thirty guys can't figure it out, days go by (the feast was seven days), and finally they approach Samson's wife and ask her to get the answer out of him. She of course agrees and spends the rest of the feast pouting at Samson, crying, and screaming things like, and hell I'll just quote it right out of the Bible for you, "You hate me! You don't really love me. You've given my people a riddle, but you haven't told me the answer (14:16)."
"But baby cakes, I haven't even told my parents the answer, why should I tell you?" Samson answers, trying to console her, which shows just how well he understands women, but still, "She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him (14:17)." Wow Samson, she sounds like a real keeper, I hope you'll be happy with this pouty bitch. Wait, wait, if it took them a few days before approaching Samson's "better" half, and the feast was only seven days, then how did she cry for the "whole seven days of the feast" over the answer to this riddle? Oh ... I see, she was just crying about other stuff then, uh huh. Samson, don't you think there's like a relative or some other Israelite you could marry? Someone whose not going to cry every day of your marriage feast, methinks she isn't all that happy to marry you buddy.

So here's the answer to Samson's riddle, "What is sweeter than honey? What is stronger than a lion? (14:18)," which is just awful, how the hell do you answer a riddle with another riddle? And yes Samson's dumb riddle was completely based on his corpse honey shit, apparently he intentionally gave these blokes a riddle they couldn't solve, in fact he says as much, "If you had not plowed my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle (14:18)." Woah, Samson, the fuck did you just say? Did you just call your wife a heifer? Let me give you rule number one about women buddy, sure there's millions of rules to keep up with, but this one's probably the most important: Do not EVER say your lady is, or looks like, or resembles, or smells like, or sounds like, or has anything to do with a cow, or any kind of barnyard animal actually, or a truck, or anything other than flowers and other pretty things. Seriously Samson, what the hell are you thinking? You already know she's a whiny little bitch that'll cry over something as silly as an impossible riddle, what do you think calling her a heifer is going to do? And what do you mean by "plowed my heifer?" You don't want to know how I read that, wait yes you do, I'm basically hearing: "If you hadn't fucked my wife then you wouldn't have had a chance." I know that's not what you meant, but that's what that verb "plow" means to me, either she's actually a cow that plows your field, or she's your wife and you plow her field, if you know what I mean. Samson, you're just fucking hopeless, and we haven't even gotten to Delilah yet, ugh, ok let's move on.

Now, you may wonder how Samson reacts to this, a real man would concede graciously, after all he intentionally gave them a riddle that couldn't be solved (he even says so), so one would believe that their sneaky methods would be fair game. Nope, Samson just starts killing people. He goes into a city and kills thirty dudes and takes their clothes to pay off the bet. Jesus Samson, why did you make this stupid bet if you didn't have the means to pay? And when your stupid plan backfired why did you go kill thirty innocent people over a stupid fucking riddle? Samson is considered a hero? A representative of God? How? So far all I've seen is complete moronic behavior, followed by extremely deceitful behavior, followed by murdering people for their clothes, he's like a goddamned meth head, what are we supposed to get from this dude? Other than disgust that is?

What's worse, is that Samson isn't even done yet, see he was so pissed about losing his dumb bet (which he tried to fix at the beginning anyway), that he storms back home to pout. Well, from this pout-a-thon his father-in-law just assumes that Samson doesn't love the girl anymore, or changed his mind, or whatever, and so he marries her off to a Philistine instead. When Samson returns and learns this he enters into his patented blood rage mode, "This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines; I will really harm them (15:3)." Actually, no you don't, if anything, you've been the one acting irrationally and the Philistines are just trying to deal with your meth head bullshit. Anyway, Samson burns their fields to the ground (using foxes with torches tied to their tails of all things), and runs off to hide in a cave (probably the smartest thing you've ever done man, why don't you just stay in there forever). When the Philistines learn who burned their fields and why, they kill the father, the wife, and then go after Samson, and unsurprisingly the Israelites sell him out immediately:
"Hi, we're looking for this crazy strongman that burned our fields down."
"Oh you mean that meth head Samson? He's in that cave, we'll even tie him up for you, hang on."

And that's exactly what they do, they go get Samson, who actually agrees to be tied up and taken into custody, provided the Israelites agree not kill him (a good deal since they just want to get rid of him). When he's handed over to the Philistines though, he breaks free from his bonds, grabs the closest weapon he can find, the jaw of a donkey, and beats the living shit out of every Philistine in sight, killing one thousand men. Then he throws the Ass Jaw away and says, "With a donkey's jawbone I have made donkeys of them. With a donkey's jawbone I have killed a thousand men (15:16)." Oh God Samson, just stop, you're a crazed battle master, not a poet, just don't even try. Again, he thinks he's far more clever than he really is. Here's a question for you though, did the Israelites intentionally set the Philistines up? You know, perhaps they only kind of tied Samson up, forced some meth in his system, and handed him over. That's like handing a a lit stick of dynamite over to someone, "Sure it's safe, put it in your pocket." Just something to think about, especially considering how quickly the Israelites sell out one of their own for attacking their oppressors. Anyway, if I were Samson (thank God I'm not) I would've kept the Ass Jaw and made it my patented weapon, just saying. In any case, "Samson led Israel for twenty years in the days of the Philistines (15:20)," alright Israel, I hope you know what you're doing putting that meth head in charge.

... And Delilah:

Hey, did you know Samson was into prostitutes? And I'm not even talking about Delilah (zing), see, "One day Samson went to Gaza where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her (16:1)." Wow, there's a hell of way to start the next chapter, so Samson went to fuck a whore in Gaza, gotcha, then what happened? Well, the people of Gaza lie in wait at the city gate in order to kill him in the morning, people do not like Samson for some reason. Apparently they were really strict about the whole "in the morning" part, because Samson strolls out at midnight and rips the city gate down, doors, bar, pole, knockers, and all. Then he heaves the whole damn thing on his shoulder and carries them "to the top of the hill that faces Hebron (16:3)." So the leader of this anti-Samson posse fucking watched Samson stroll out of this prostitute's house to the city gate, watched him rip the whole fucking thing down, watched him lift it up on his shoulder and then saunter off into the night. What the hell was this guys problem?
"Captain! Captain! Samson's coming!"
"What?"
"Should we get ready to attack?"
"No, I said we'd attack him at morning."
"But, Captain, he's coming this way right now."
"No, stand down, we'll attack at morning."
"Er, now he's ripping the gates down, that's gotta be against the law right?"
"Patience soldier."
"Isn't he an easier target now that he has humping the whole goddamn city gate on his shoulder?"
"Don't worry, he'll be back, we'll attack at morning."

And right when I thought no one was dumber than Samson, man.

Anyway, that's the story that starts the chapter entitled "Samson and Delilah" in my translation of the Bible, what that has to do with Delilah I don't know, but no worries, in the next paragraph or so he falls in love with her. Which seriously folks, Samson oughta just swear off women and go gay, you'll see, he just has the absolute worst luck with women, if you hadn't already guessed that. So, the Philistines approach Delilah and give her a shit ton of money to betray Samson, "Figure out Samson's Achilles heel so we can subdue him," which Delilah immediately agrees to. See it says that Samson fell in love with Delilah, it doesn't say anything about it being reciprocated. Thus the next chance she gets she get's all sexy and says, "Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued (16:6)," and thinking that she's just into some kinky bondage shit Samson responds, "If anyone ties me with seven fresh thongs that have not been dried, I'll become as weak as any other man (16:7)." Wait what? Seven fresh thongs? Like these things?

And um ... how is a thong both fresh and not dried? I mean I get that Bible thumpers don't ever have sex (only if they're married and then only to make babies and even then they're not allowed to enjoy it), so I guess they might not understand that the process of getting a thong wet will also ... um ... unfreshen it. So anyway, take seven thongs right out of the bag, get some ladies all excited, tie Samson down with them while they still reek of lady parts, and he'll become as weak as a normal man? Are we sure he doesn't just mean weak in the knees? Like he's just into some weird ass sex? I don't know, that might make more sense.

Anyway, lo and behold, suddenly Samson is tied up in seven moist thongs and the Philistines are all up ons. Well Samson easily breaks free and makes short order of the attacking soldiers. Is anyone out there unsure of what happened? Would anyone not be suspicious? I mean I would, but I'd be willing to let one coincidence slide, except Delilah fucking outs herself, "You asshole! You lied to me, if you really loved me you'd tell me the real secret to your strength." Yeah right, so the Philistines can come back and subdue me after you blab my secret to them? Is what Samson should have said, and seriously, if Delilah wanted to be stealthy she should've gone with, "Wow, isn't it crazy that we were just talking about the whole seven thongs thing? What a coincidence," and then wait a little while before asking what weakens Samson again. Turns out she doesn't even need to do this, because Samson responds, "If you tie me up with brand new ropes, that'll do it." And again, Samson is tied up with brand new ropes and the Philistine soldiers come bombing in for him, wow I wonder who sold him out? And again Delilah is all, "Samson, why do you keep lying to me? Tell me what the fuck will make you weak, now!" And again, he relents, "If you weave my hair into the fabric on a loom, then I'll be Superman plus Kryptonite weak." And again, he wakes from a nap to find his hair braided to a loom and the Philistines trying to kill him, who he easily murders and goes on his way.

Ok, dear reader, after all this, if this had happened to you, would you ever trust Delilah again? The correct answer is "Fuck No," who would? She's a deceitful bitch, and a blatantly obvious one too. In my mind, the only reason Samson would do this whole charade thing would be to test her right? Sure he just fell madly in love with this girl, he wants to trust her, but she's asking some serious shit right off that bat, "How can I permanently incapacitate you?" So he tests the water a bit, feeds her a little false information at the beginning to see how she reacts. And don't even start, when you first fall for a girl do you tell her how many hours you've clocked in Diablo 2? Yeah I didn't think so, you wait until she already likes you and is trustworthy before you start throwing your faults her way. Anyway, three times Samson tests her with bullshit information, and three times he immediately finds himself in the situations he described. And by the fucking way, these are things he obviously just made up, they aren't things the Philistines would just think up themselves, braiding his hair into a loom? Really? So what I'm saying here is that it is completely 100% obvious that Delilah has betrayed Samson, and not even the eating the last icecream sandwich kindof betray, no, the selling him out to the fuzz kindof betray.

So after seeing the same evidence we have, what does Samson do? He fucking tells her the truth. When she gets all bitchy again, "Samson, you've made a fool of me, you've lied to me three times, if you really loved me you'd tell me the truth," and keeps on, "With such nagging ... until he was tired to death (16:16)." Ha, I gotta say I like that, any fellas out there been nagged to death? Anyway, he finally gives in, and tells her, "Fine, I have magic hair, if you cut it I'll be as weak as an average Joe." And what do you think happens? That's right, she cuts his hair and sells him out to the Philistines who are finally able to catch and subdue him. When they catch Samson they're so ecstatic that they gouge the dude's eyes out and make him do tricks and shit for the Philistines, like a freak show. Which all I've got to say is that he sorta had it coming, I mean sure I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but fuck, don't tell that bitch the truth, simple words to live by Samson, you should've known better.

Alright, what else happens with Samson? Well, he gets his revenge, that's for sure. See when the Philistines gather at their hoity toity temple to sacrafice to their lame sounding god Dagon (seriously, Dagon), they bring Samson out to entertain them. Well, unbeknownst to them, Samson had just done a shit ton of meth (alright, alright, sorry, he asked God for strength), so he leans his arms on some load bearing pillars and pushes them down; bringing the entire temple crashing down around them, killing Samson and every Philistine in the temple. Which was apparently a lot of fucking people because it says that "he killed many more people when he died than when he lived (16:30)." Which is at least 1030 people and a lion, at the very least. Anywho, that'll do it for Samson, the methed out strongman of God, but don't worry, we still have a little bit left of Judges, which unfortunately ends on a very sour note. Until then fellow travelers.

(By the way, yes I do know what they actually mean by thong, also that awesome thong picture comes from the brilliantly funny folks over at Landover Baptist)