The Book That God Wrote, 1 Samuel Part 1

Welcome all to the first part of the first part of the Book of Samuel. Here we start on the path towards that all popular King David, but first we learn of the honorable Godslinger Samuel, the disappointed and worthless father Eli, and his despicable sons. We also get to see what happens when the sworn enemies of the Israelites have the balls to steal the Ark of the Covenant, spoiler alert: they don't keep it for long. I hope you're ready for fun.

Hannah and Her Sisters:

The story of Samuel, which actually has more to do with David from what I can tell, starts all the way back with Samuel's mother Hannah. Now stop me if you've heard this one, but there's a man named Ramathaim, who I think I'll just call Rama from now on, anyway he has two wives Hannah and Peninnah (Penny from now on). Well Penny cranks out kids like nobody's business, while Hannah is barren. I know, this is the first time this story has come up in the Bible ever, I'll talk about this in a minute though. As it turns out, much like Jacob and Rachel, it seems that Rama really loves Hannah despite her unworking lady parts, to which Penny spends her days being a total bitch to Hannah. "Oh, so do you think you'll pop out a kid this year? I mean I've already cranked out four sons for Rama, what good are you if you can't produce children?" Of course every man reading this knows exactly how awesome such a thing can be (re: no more condoms), but back in the day women were basically just property, specifically of the baby factory type, so it's no wonder that Penny would parade this over Hannah, and again we see why having two wives would fucking suck. But Rama doesn't seem to mind, he seems to genuinely love Hannah, and is known to say such things as, "Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons (1:8)?" Which is pretty damn progressive for the time if you ask me.

As awesome as Rama's love is, Hannah still wants some kids damnit, so she spends a lot of time praying and sacrificing yummy food to God. In a final ditch effort she promises God that if he blesses her with a son that she will give him up to God's service, i.e. handing the kid over to the priests for them to raise. Sounding like a pretty good deal God obliges, and BAM her womb opens, hey that's one of God's oldest tricks, good to see it again. What I find interesting is how many times God opens broken down jalopy vaginas for his chosen people to pop out of. He opens Sarah's womb to birth Issac (the father of Israel) and he opens Rebekah's womb to birth Jacob (i.e. Israel) and Esau, he opens Rachel's womb to birth Joseph, and I think you get the point. This is happening way too much for it not to have meaning. God certainly has a pattern of picking the underdogs as his chosen people, notice how he's almost always chosen the youngest sons as his representatives, and how he chooses barren women (the underdogs of the Biblical times' women) to produce his line of chosen people. God always seems to be with the little guy (or girl), and I'm starting to think this simple fact has a lot to do with why Judaism, and specifically Christianity, have come to such popularity, we're all the underdogs in our own personal stories, which means God is on our side right? The evidence seems to say so.

Eli and His Good for Nothing Sons:

Anyway, Hannah miraculously has a son, names him Samuel (which is probably Hebrew for "not mine anymore"), and gives him up for adoption at the local temple. This temple is run by an aging man named Eli who, as you remember, is a descendant of Aaron (since every priest is a descendant of Aaron). Under the charge of Eli and priests Samuel grows up to be a super goody-two-shoes man of God, which might not seem like that big of deal considering he's raised by Eli, except that Eli's two sons are total thugs. Pictured below:

What did these little delinquents do? Well they'd steal food from people who showed up to give offerings to God, and if they wouldn't hand over their food they'd threaten to beat them up. Yeah seriously, these guys were basically lunch money bullies. Oh and "Eli ... heard about everything his sons were doing to all of Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting (2:22)." Oh, so there's also that, so instead of telling women that a few Hail Marys and 20 rosaries would set them straight, they tell them that a blowjob in the confessional is the only thing that'll save them. Wait, women who "served" there? Hm, so I guess it was more like this:

So your typical priest-nun relationship, BAM. And don't even pretend to act offended, we all know that's on our list of roleplay situations ... or is that just me?

Anywho, one night Samuel is trying to sleep in his little corner and God calls to him, "Yo Sam, wake up, I've got shit to talk to you about." So it turns out that Samuel might be a chosen man of God, but he's not all that smart, because he thinks that it's Eli calling to him. Man, like I know this mystical shit can be confusing and all, but would you really confuse God's voice with an old worthless priest? And what the hell God, why didn't you start with your telltale introduction: "I'm the God of Abraham, the God of Issac, the God of Jacob bitches!" without it we're left scratching our heads wondering who the fuck is talking to us, and wondering if we've lost our minds. So Samuel stumbles into Eli's room, "You called?"

"What? No, get out of my room I'm trying to sleep."
So Samuel trudges back to his corner to try and sleep again, and again God calls to him, and again Samuel thinks it's Eli and again Eli is like "Dude, leave me the eff alone." And then it all happens again, hooray for redundancies in threes. On the third time though Eli starts to suspect that it's God, "Oh snap," he says, "God's talking to you, go lay down in your corner and stay there and just listen to what the big man has to say." Uh huh, sure, this sounds more like an agitated parent trying to get the kid to stay the fuck in his own room. "Yeah, it's God calling you, now leave me the hell alone already."

So Samuel lays down in his little corner and waits for God to contact him again, and it turns out God has some serious shit to say, "I am about to do something to Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears it tingle (3:11)," haha really now? Ear-tingly epic eh? Whatever could it be? See, God's pretty pissed about Eli's sons, and with Eli for not doing a goddamned thing about them. So he's planning of fucking up Eli's line forever. Basically there will never be another old man in Eli's family ever. In other words he wont stop them from boning, but everyone's dying off before the age of forty, you can fucking count on that. Also, God seems to be pretty much done with the whole "descendants of Aaron" thing as far as priests are concerned. Is anyone surprised by this? Making Aaron's ancestry the only fucking priests ever was about the dumbest idea God had when setting all this shit up (again proving he's far from perfect). Even from the beginning, Aaron wasn't all that great a candidate himself (what with making a false idol and everything), and then his sons were killed in a smoldering God fire of retribution for doing some little asinine thing wrong. And just like every monarchy in the entirety of history, eventually the descendants start to fucking suck at their job (not that they were any good at it to begin with from what I've read), really it was only a matter of time before these priests started going crazy and peeing purple ... was that a stretch? Oh well never mind.

When Samuel wakes up he's kind of scared to tell Eli what he heard from on high, which makes total sense seeing as God basically said that he's going to fuck up Eli's whole damn ancestry forever. When Eli actually corners Samuel and makes him share what God said, Samuel reluctantly tells him everything and Eli basically just shrugs that shit off, "He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes (3:17)." Man really? Are you that much of a worthless piece of shit that you aren't even upset about this. "Whatever, I'm too fucking old to care anymore, now would you mash up some prunes for me while I spend the next hour drooling on myself." You'd think he'd at least rebuke his children, or tell God that it's his sons' fault, or anything. But no, actually this whole prophecy against the house of Eli was told to Eli first (the paragraph before he contacted Samuel), and he still didn't do a fucking thing about it, so whatever happens to this worthless old man, and his family, is fairly deserved by now if you ask me.

Raiders of the Lost Ark:

At about this time Israel was at war with the Philistines, again, it seems like Israel's battles with the jackasses who first occupied the Promised Land have gone on much longer than God first ... um promised. I guess the godless freaks that inhabited Canaan aren't just going to roll over to a bunch of foreskinless outcasts from Egypt. In any case, for this particular battle the Israelites get their asses handed to them by the Philistines, and unwilling to accept defeat they decide that for the next battle they're taking the Ark with them. You remember the Ark of the Covenant right? This tactic seems reasonable, I mean in the past Israel was pretty much undefeatable when they marched the Ark ahead of their forces (See Exodus -- Joshua, oh and the Book of Jones), but that is only when God isn't pissed at two priests. See, thanks to the nun sex from earlier, the Ark doesn't save them this time and the Philistines beat their asses and fucking steal the precious Ark from them. What the fuck guys, God lives in that box ... wait right? Yep, Exodus 25:22 implies that it's his summer home (that is, where he chills when he's bossing us mortals around), how the fuck could you let that get away from you? Surely the Philistines will take back the Promised Land with that shit right?

Of course not, as mad as God was at the Israelites for the nun sex, do you think God likes the Philistines even remotely? Fuck no, those losers worship that worthless Dagon, not even cool enough to be a dragon, mermaid god pictured below.

I can make it on my own

What do you think is going to happen when God shows up at his summer home and realizes he's in Philistine country? If you guessed "he fucks their shit up," then you're exactly right. But we'll get to that. See in this battle against the Philistines both of Eli's sons perish, which is what they get for sexing up nuns goddamnit (sigh ... nuns). Um, anyway, so a messenger runs back to Shiloh to tell Eli what happened, "Oh my God Eli, your despicable sons just died in a battle against the little bit more despicable Philistines. Oh and did I mention that they stole the Ark of the Covenant." Well, when Eli hears about the Ark being stolen he falls backwards in his chair and breaks his neck. No kidding, this dude was killed by bad news (see 4:18). Then, as if this wasn't good enough, when Eli's daughter-in-law, who's super pregnant at the time, hears about the death of her husband, the stolen Ark, and the death of Eli, she's so overcome that her water breaks. That's right, she totally drops trou and pops out a baby, which also kills her. And before you ask, yes, this shit was written by a Shakespeare obsessed third grader. Seriously, at this point why not have a messenger come out of nowhere and say, "Oh right, and those Rosencrantz and Guildenstern guys? When they heard about the Ark they crapped themselves so hard they died. The End."

So obviously the theft of the Ark is bad news for the Israelites, but it's nothing compared to what happens to the Philistines. As a celebration of their ultimate power they take the Ark of the Covenant to Dagon's main  temple, and place it at the foot of their super awesome Dagon statue (yeah there's no way it could be that awesome, but those Philistines are impressionable scamps). Anywho, when they get up the next morning they find the statue of Dagon has been knocked the fuck down and is lying prostate before the Ark. Oh man guys, even statues of Dagon worship God, you better watch the fuck out. And instead of freaking the shit out and sending the Ark packing they just set the main representation of their apparently unstoppable god back up, like no big deal. Then the next day, when they get up, the statue's knocked down again, but this time his head and his arms have been chopped off. That's right bitches, your god is a fucking chump, and we tried to warn you but whatever.

And if ridicule of their god isn't enough, they're then afflicted with tumors and the city is overrun with rats. Now will you guys send the Ark back? Tumors man, nobody likes tumors, not to mention rats, yuck. Yeah, apparently the destruction of their god's statue, cancerous growths, and swarms of vermin aren't enough for the Philistines to think, "Hey, maybe this God of Israel guy is the real deal," because instead of sending the magical gold box packing, or burning into a pile of ashes, they just send it off to another Philistine city. And surprise surprise this city is afflicted with tumors. Oh, but this time the word "tumor" has a footnote: "Or with tumors in the groin." Oh fuck, did that just say ... guys send that box back aleady, fucking Christ almighty. And don't worry, a plague of crotch cancer is enough for the Philistines to want to get rid of this cursed box. Seriously, don't fuck with God, he'll give you wang warts, and you don't fucking want that.

Now, the question is: how in the fuck are they going to get rid of this thing without further angering God? And their answer is brilliant, they load up a cart with two specially picked oxen, they place the Ark on it along with an offering to the Israelites. What kind of offering you ask, oh man it's great, they make a bunch of golden rats and tumors as a "please forgive us for stealing your death box" gesture. I know, golden rats and tumors, that's really creative. Well ok, tumors made of gold wouldn't be that hard to make, gold tends to come in lumps anyway, so you just don't do anything to it. But still, it's the thought that counts, and that thought is pretty effin hilarious if you ask me. "Hey, here's some golden statues that show off the ways your God fucked us up, enjoy." And not wanting to be anywhere near this thing any longer they just send the two oxen off on their own and just hope that they make it to the Israelites, "Good riddance Ark, here's hoping you don't fall off a cliff." Of course the Ark makes it back home, and just to show he means business, God kills off seventy people for "they had looked into the Ark of the Lord (6:19)," which seriously, anyone who's watched Indiana Jones knows not to look into the open Ark, bad move.

Golden tumor

So what have we learned? Well first of all, do not fuck with God, if you steal his special shit he will destroy your god and then destroy you from the inside out (if you know what I mean). Also, speaking of Indiana Jones, this whole story makes me even more inclined to agree with cracked.com when they argue that Indiana Jones and the U.S. Army should've just let the Nazi's find the Ark. Oh wait, so the current main enemy of the Jews is trying to find the Ark of the Covenant? Fuckin let them, those Nazi retards must not have read 1 Samuel, cause if they had, they would've realized that this:

would be the least of their problems. Yeah, that's right, it's kind of hard to run death camps when your balls are covered in grapefruit sized tumors huh? Also, I'm starting to like these Philistine guys, sure they worship a mermaid ... actually no, that's kinda cool too now that I think about it, but they certainly have a great sense of humor. There's not many people that could look rat swarms and dick tumors in the face and make golden caricatures out of it. And sending an unmanned cart back to the Israelites? That's gotta be a joke of some sort right?

Anyway, I digress, after the return of the Ark, Samuel judges the Israelites for 20 years or so and after another run in with the Philistines they all decide that they want a king. Huh? What? Yeah, it seems that even though Samuel is a great judge, his sons are total dicks (I guess he learned his parenting skills from Eli), and with this and all the previous misadventures with terrible priests and judges the Israelites want a genuine king. They want a king just like all the other surrounding countries (Who they're supposed to hate and not imitate, but whatevs). Well God isn't very pleased with this, because he's supposed to be their king, but no, these whiny bastards want a mortal king. Despite not being a fan, God tells Samuel to go ahead and give them a king but warns that they aren't going to like it. And Samuel also spends a big long ass paragraph explaining exactly why they don't want a king "This is what the king who will reign over you will do: He will take your sons and make them serve with his chariots ... He will take the best of your fields and vineyards ... Your menservants and maidservants and the best of your cattle ... you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, and the Lord will not answer you that day (8:11-18)." Seriously guys, haven't you heard of taxation? Without representation? Tea Baggers? Anything? You don't want a king, but they wont listen, like always.

And so Samuel relents, and begins the process of finding a king for the Israelites. Will this king be as bad as predicted? And will the relations with the Philistines ever improve? Yes and a resounding no. Tune in next time when we meet King Saul, that creative little guy David, and a big ass fellow named Goliath. And trust me, Goliath is the least of David's problems, his beat down of the giant is only the catalyst for his and Saul's tumultuous relationship. Spoiler alert: people die, and it's awesome. Until next time ...