The Book That God Wrote, 1 Samuel Part 2

Welcome back to Samuel everyone, this entry covers events that basically just serve as a buildup for part 3, where shit will really hit the fan. Here we have the rise and initial fall of the first king of Israel. We also have some more gross honey eating, and we get to meet David, though no giant killing this time. If anything this sets the stage nicely for us to talk about Goliath right out of the gate next time. Read on.

It's Not Easy Being King:

I joked last time that, yes, Saul would be as bad as predicted, but honestly I'm not exactly sure that's Saul's fault, not completely anyway. I think Saul's biggest problem is that he isn't as completely OCD as God or his main men, but we'll get to that. As for right now, what's important is how Saul is chosen, as you recall from Part 1, God and Samuel had finally relented to the Israelites and were on the prowl for a new king. What I think is kind of cruel actually is that it's God who chooses who the first mortal king will be, and this is right after getting all bitter about the whole thing and saying things like, "They have rejected me as their king ... Now listen to them; but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will do (8:7-9)." This all seems pretty sketchy to me, does God choose a king specifically to make his point? Like a mortal king that will fucking suck for everyone? If God knows everything, and knows everyone's heart, and knows everyone's future (as we're told) then why does he choose a king that will eventually lose favor with him? Sure there's this great thing called free will, and maybe Saul could've gone either way as far as God knew, but I don't know, it just seems ... unethical. Yes I just called God unethical, how's that for religious irreverence?

In any case, God chooses Saul, from the smallest clan in the smallest tribe of Israel, the Benjamites. Anyone seeing a pattern here? Even though God may be intentionally choosing the worst king possible, he still chooses an underdog,  a choice that will confuse most of Israel, but certainly fits with his usual M.O.. Shit, even Saul is confused when Samuel tells him he'll be king, to give you a sense of how crazy this would sound, it's like telling a poor black kid from Hawaii during the 1970's that he's destined to be President of the United States ... Oh wait. And as you can imagine, there are plenty of pissed off people when Saul is anointed king, remember the Benjamites were the dudes almost wiped out by civil war back at the end of Judges, and there are plenty of people who still hold a grudge, or think that their king should come from their most badass general or something. And much like how Biden predicted our own little Saul would be "tested" immediately by some kind of ultra disaster, Saul was immediately able to prove his worth to Israel, basically by rallying Israel's army to liberate a city that was being besieged by the Ammonites.

So after saving the city of Jabesh from having all their right eyes gouged out (Yeah, seriously, see 11:12), Saul is suddenly the heroic king that everyone loves. In fact people are ready to kill the assholes that questioned him before (Man this is sounding more and more like American politics), but Saul, in an act of surprising coolness  for the time, wont have any of it, "No one shall be put to death today, for this day the Lord has rescued Israel (11:13)."Yeah so military suaveness, cool in the face of dissent, a kickass underdog chosen by God himself, what could possibly go wrong? Well like I said before he's unfortunately not OCD enough to follow all of God's asinine rules, oh and he also goes completely batshit insane, there's that too, but we'll get to that.

See for pretty much all of Saul's reign the Israelites are at war with the Philistines (or the Ammorites on second glance, but fuck it I'm making the Philistines the go to villain for the rest of this), yep the same Philistines that had so much trouble with the Ark of the Covenant last time. And one day while Saul is warring it up with these assholes, Samuel comes to him with directions from the Lord. Basically it's the same deal from back in Joshua, "Destroy this next city completely, murder every last woman, child, donkey, bird, everything." And from here I'm sure you can imagine exactly what went wrong, this stuff can get confusing since sometimes God wants you to burn everything to the ground, but sometimes he wants you to keep the virgins and the cattle for marrying and sacrificing respectively (I hope). How is anyone supposed to keep this straight, and as many stories as the Israelites have heard about exactly what happens when you don't follow these rules exactly, still it's easy to think, "Surely he didn't mean for us to waste all these perfectly good virgins and cows? We'll just save the best ones and murder the rest," and this is pretty much what Saul does.

And yes that's all Saul does to lose God's favor, so after the battle is over Samuel comes bombing into the smoldering ruins and confronts Saul who's overseeing the torching of bodies and the distribution of the loot. "What in the bloody hell do you think you're doing?"
"Samuel," Saul answers, "my good friend, you're here just in time for the victory offering to God."
"There's not supposed to be any damned offering."
"What do you mean old friend?"
"God told you to destroy everything," Samuel says forcefully, pounding his staff on the ground with a loud clatter, "Everything!"
"We did, we're not keeping anything here," Saul exclaims with his hands motioning to the pile of crap his men had acquired, "We just saved the best of the cattle and loot to sacrifice to God as thanks for delivering these dirty Philistines into our hands," and with this his men began cheering.
"You fool," Samuel bites back, "God meant for you to keep nothing, nothing. You have lost his favor."
"What? Samuel I simply misunderstood, here I'll destroy the rest of this myself. Please, I meant no harm, pray for my forgiveness. My old friend please."
"I'm sorry," Samuel sighs, "I can do nothing for you," and with that he turns to leave, but Saul catches his robe and it tears, "and like my robe your rule has torn, goodbye old friend."
"Please Samuel, I've sinned, can't you do anything to help me?"
Samuel sighs, "You did not kill the king of this city as you were instructed, bring him to me." And so Saul's men bring the captured king Agag to Samuel's feet, where he whips out a sword and cuts the dude's face off, shocking Saul and his men into an awkward silence. "Goodbye Saul," Samuel cooly says looking up from the bloody mess that was once Agag's face, "you'll not see me again," and so he makes his exit.

Man, so that's the longest bit of dialogue I've made up for this thing, but that's basically how it goes (See 15:13-34). And so "Samuel mourned for him [Saul]. And the Lord was grieved that he had made Saul king over Israel (15:34)." On one hand we all know what happens to people who don't follow God's word fucking exactly, but at the same time, you'd think you could cut the guy some slack. I mean for Christ sake Aaron, the first priest ever, made up a brand new false god for the Israelites to worship days after they were given the Ten Commandments (which yknow, explicitly says not to do that), but he got off with just a slap on the wrists. But Aaron's sons mess one fucking thing up in their retardidly asinine tabernacle rituals and they get burned up in a holy God fire. So sure, you should do exactly do what God says down to every single asinine little detail, because if you don't he'll kill you ... or maybe not. Who knows, see that's my problem, as psychotically OCD as God is, he isn't all that consistent. And you know what, Saul seemed to be doing a pretty good job as king, so he didn't destroy EVERYTHING like you told him to, he was at least thinking about you when he wasn't. Couldn't you cut the guy some slack? I mean not everyone is that completely OCD, and as long as they get the job done in a reasonable way, then why punish them? And you might be thinking, "Well Saul seems to have gotten off with just a smack on the wrists, it's not like God fireballed him to death right?" Well just wait, I actually think a death by holy bolt would have been better fate than what God actually does to him.

The Honey Forest:

But first, hey, here's an interesting story, there's this awesome kid named Jonathan who we meet in Chapter 13 in the same inexplicably dumb way that we meet Joshua back in Exodus: "Saul chose three thousand men from Israel; two thousand were with him at Micmash ... and a thousand were with Jonathan at Gibeah (13:2)." Oh cool, that Micmash place sounds awesome, oh and who the fuck is Jonathan? Then there's the next sentence, "Jonathan attacked the Philistine outpost at Geba, and the Philistines heard about it (13:4)." Well I hope they heard about it, I mean some dude, who we don't know who the fuck he is, just attacked one of their outposts, that kinda news tends to travel. Oh and who the fuck is Jonathan? Seriously they don't stop to say who he is until all the way in verse 16, "Saul and his son Jonathan and the men with them were staying in Gibeah in Benjamin (13:16)." Oooh, see was that so hard? Why did you wait over ten verses (6 paragraphs) to say something you could've thrown in that nonchalantly at the very beginning?

Anyway, this Jonathan fellow is a pretty badass dude, to show you just how badass let me share this awesome story about him. See Saul and his army (Of which Jonathan was a general) were all chilling in a place called Gibeah (which thankfully Micmash was close by). So Jonathan decides to go for a walk with his armor-bearer and see what those dirty fucking Philistines were up to. At the cliffs that overlooked Micmash (yes!) there's a pass where Jonathan sees a Philistine outpost on the other side and says to his armor-bearer, "Come, let's go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised fellows. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf (14:6)." Yes, Jonathan actually calls the Philistines "those uncircumcised fellows," that's canon friends, not even one of my own flourishes (you can tell because I would've called them "those uncircumcised assholes" but it's close). So yeah, I like this Jonathan fellow, he sounds like a guy I could get along with. Oh and what happens with him and his armor-bearer? They bomb down to the outpost and stab every last Philistine in the face of course, killing around twenty dudes. Which may not sound like a whole lot in Biblical terms, seeing as Samson apparently killed an entire army, but yeah this story sounds a lot less like a lie, so there's that.

So here's the interesting story dealing with Jonathan, after this badass victory of his Saul makes an oath that none of his men are allowed to eat anything until they root the Philistines out of some city or something. I can't remember all the specifics, but since Jonathan was out giving Philistines the business he didn't hear this oath. Now this might sound like a dumb move on Saul's part, keeping his men hungry and all, but that way when the warring starts his soldiers will be vicious cannibal killing machines, that's called strategery bitches. But of course, on top of that, they do the one thing that could make things worse. They march right into a honey forest. What's a honey forest you ask? Why, it's a forest where the entire ground is fucking covered in honey, that's what. So this might seem cruel, but hey, Saul could've marched them through the cheeseburger swamp, which is the more direct route afterall, but that would've been so much worse. Like I said, strategery. So on they march through the honey forest not able to actually eat any of it. Which seriously, I'd have to be really fucking hungry before I eat honey off the goddamned ground. Which is apparently exactly how hungry Jonathan is because he starts munching on it, even after the other soldiers are like "What the fuck dude? First of all that's dirt honey, second Saul made an oath saying we can't eat anything." Duh Jonathan, it's called strategery dude.

This doesn't stop Jonathan of course, "Psht," he says, "Saul's my dad, what's he going to do? Kill me?" Um well ... he certainly tries. See this oath he made was with God, and when God oaths are broken people die (As we've seen in various other books ... probably Joshua). So Saul was going kill Jonathan to appease God and his dumbass oath, but in a surprising act of awesomeness the other soldiers won't let him. It seems everyone else likes Jonathan as much as I do. See God? Saul was willing to kill his own son off to set things right with you, and this was before your falling out, can't you just cut the guy some slack. Though I will say, telling his people that they can't eat anything, and then trying to kill his own son for being desperate enough to eat honey off the goddamned ground is enough to make me think Saul might be slipping. This happened right before Samuel's big rebuke I went through earlier, and I actually think this is us seeing the beginnings of Saul's mental collapse ... Oh right, spoiler alert: Saul goes completely batshit crazy. And seriously? What the hell is it with Biblical characters eating nasty honey, I mean sure floor honey isn't anywhere near as bad as corpse honey, but still. Honey must've been a ridiculously awesome delicacy back then, no no, it better have been, otherwise ... yuck.

David's Soothing Song:

So yes, my interpretation of Saul is that he's completely insane, no, let me rephrase that, I believe that he's driven insane. And I don't just think this because of his behavior, no, after Saul and God's falling out, the Bible starts saying things like "Now the spirit of the Lord had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him (16:14)." Yes that's verbatim, an "evil" spirit from God plagued Saul. And it's not just one slip of the translation, they say it all over the place (See 14:15, 14:16, 18:10, and 19:9), so no, God is tormenting Saul with an evil spirit. I don't know about you, but I was always told that God represented "good" and that if he sent any spirits off into the world that they would be holy ones, conversely it's supposed to be Satan that controls all of the evil spirits. So shouldn't it be an evil spirit from Satan? What's God doing sending evil spirits at people? I know God is upset with Saul, but is haunting him with evil necessary? You know what I find interesting about the Bible so far? It hasn't once mentioned Satan, hell, demons, or even heaven for that matter, and we're fucking nine books in, you'd think important things like that would be mentioned by now right (Maybe they're not that important after all)? Expect me to touch more on this later.

Aside from the massive game changer element this whole "evil" spirit thing casts on God, there's also the fact that people with various disorders such a schizophrenia, and hell even epilepsy, were said to be possessed by evil spirits up until very recently. Hell they even made that crappy movie about that modern case on the subject. With this in mind, coupled with Saul's behavior, it's not that great of a leap to conclude that Saul may very well have been schizophrenic, or have some other mental disorder. I'm no expert on the subject, by any means, if anyone out there has more insights into this sort of thing I'm definitely all ears, hit me up in the comments. There have been many scholarly types that have theorized that many Godly types, such as Joan of Arc, were actually schizophrenic, I'm wondering if anyone's focused their academic eyes on Saul.

Alright, so Saul was schizophrenic or, if you take this shit literally, he was possessed by an evil spirit. To help their king, Saul's advisers recommend that he have a harp player serenade him when he succumbs to this spirit. So in Saul's search for the best harp player in the land (he wont settle for anything less!), he discovers a young shepherd boy by the name of David. That's right, the same fucking kid that ass stomped a giant, he was also a damn fine musician. Ever hear of Psalms? Yeah David wrote all those songs ... er I mean Psalms, whatever the fuck a Psalm is anyway. Whatever they are, whenever David plays them for Saul during his demon days it actually makes him feel better. In fact, Saul is so happy with David that he hires him full time to play his harp, and the two become very close friends. Pictured below:

What did you think I meant by harp?

Little does Saul know though that God has already decided that David is going to be the next king of Israel; Samuel's already anointed the kid. That's not going to cause any problems though, especially after David fucks up a giant singlehandedly and becomes a household name in Israel. Saul, with his brand new paranoid schizophrenic visions, is just going to let David take his place on the throne, because they're friends right?

Right, well we can hope anyway. Come back next time and you'll learn all about how David's trouncing of Goliath is only the beginning of the most badass tale in the Bible (ok second most, but it's arguable). Also we might just witness the most stable, healthy, and passionate relationship yet in the Bible, oh and it's between two guys ... dead giants and gay rights coming up next. Same Bible time, same Bible channel.