What I Learned From 1 Kings

At first glance, 1 Kings doesn't seem to have much in the "Hey I Learned Something" department. I mean sure there's the obvious with Solomon, the whole wisdom > gold, fame, and sex. Though it does sort of imply that the pursuit of wisdom will make you rich, powerful, and a sex machine. It's a nice thought, but my own pursuit of wisdom hasn't led to such a life, at least not yet. But that's okay, I can live without having to decide which of my 700 wives I'll sleep with tonight, and if you think this is a problem that you'd love to have, then you haven't thought of what having 700 wives worth of nagging would be like have you? Yeah I know, it hurts your soul doesn't it? There's also the fact that there weren't very many stories exemplifying Solomon's wisdom, I mean we're told he's wise, so I guess we've got to just accept that. Or maybe we'll just have to wait for Proverbs to really see. And don't even start with the whole "Let's cut a baby in half, woo!" is a sign of his wisdom. It's more proof that everyone else in Israel was dumb. Hm, maybe that's it, maybe Solomon was just super wise relative to the rest of Israel. There's something to think about eh?

No to me 1 Kings is more of a historical account of our main man Elijah. The only man to really hold a candle to Moses, and in my opinion may just beat him out. But is there anything to really learn from Elijah's story other than that he was a badass? I don't know, nor do I care really, why don't I stop putting it off and get right to it eh? I mentioned before that the story of Elijah and the worshipers of Baal is one of the most important to this series. In truth, if it weren't for my history with this story "The Book That God Wrote" might not even exist today. This story represents the precursor of what this series is, and so it has a pretty special place in my heart. So if you can stand it I'm going to indulge a bit in exactly why this story is so important to me, and how it birthed "The Book That God Wrote." So today will be more a "What You'll Learn About Zach's Blog Series," than an actual dicussion of what I learned from 1 Kings (but don't worry I'll be able to sneak some of that in there too, you'll see).

First and foremost, back in the day, before twitter existed, and hell before even facebook reared its ugly head (yeah I said it), Elijah v.s. the Baal worshipers was my all time favorite Bible story. Honestly it was probably the only one I knew all that well. I mean sure, I kind of knew all the standards, the things you hear over and over again in Sunday school, but I didn't know very many of them well enough to, say, retell them to a passerby in great detail. That is, except for the one where this cat named Elijah puts a bunch of Baal whipped punks in their place. I loved this story (still do actually), and if the chance ever came up, and I mean ever, I would relish in telling it. If you actually know me as a person, and not a digital man that writes digital words, then it's possible I've told you this story of Elijah before. If the topic of "favorite Bible story" ever came up, or hell something I could even kind of relate to that, I would smile this mischievous smile and energetically tell my all time favorite Bible story.

I loved it then for the simple fact that Elijah is a prophet; those dudes that are usually shown as tame ass boy scouts in Sunday school, but here he's a completely brilliant asshole. He proposes a contest with a whole other religion, a more popular one at that. He's the only dude on his side, against thousands. Who in their right mind has the balls to do that? Fucking Elijah, that's who, then he starts mocking them when Baal is a no show, which I always thought was a nice touch. Then, my God then, he's so cocky that he starts pouring water over his pile in a fucking fire starting contest. This dude brings water to a firefight ... oh wait that's what you're supposed to do, terrible analogy, sorry. Then in a sentence Elijah is able to bring down God's fire to burn up everything, where it took the Baal boys all day to get nada. It's just brilliant, and Elijah is easy to like here, or easy to despise, but despise in the same way you despise Captain Hammer or Zapp Brannigan. You'd hate them as real people, but their cockiness is just so lovable. And even better, Elijah is actually effective.

And this is where the connection to my blog comes. Whenever I told this story, I would completely indulge in it, adding in my own flourishes, interpretations, and as many curse words as I could fit into a sentence. When I told the story, Elijah was a cocky asshole who mocked the Baal boys with a "Where's your Messiah now?" and in response the Baal boys had orgies. This was my story, sure it was a Bible story, but when I told it, it was mine, and if it was mine I was going to make sure it was fun. I can see it now, me in one of my more gregarious moods, a drink in hand no doubt, the other hand gesticulating wildly: "And can you guess what Elijah did next? Ha, that cocky motherfucker started throwing water on his stack. Can you believe that shit?" Now, if you're thinking that this sounds a lot like my tone in "The Book That God Wrote," then you've hit the nail on the head. This series, this unending project I so naively started over a year ago, is in many ways just a extension of that goofy guy adding unnecessary sexual innuendo to a Bible story, and coming to wise biblical interpretations like "Elijah was a cocky asshole," just to try and get a laugh. That guy is me if you're confused.

Yet despite all this, despite the humor and the fun there's something here. For example, I always read Elijah throwing water on his side as just him being a cocky douche, which I still think is partially true, and still makes for a fine interpretation. But now that I've finally read this story in context, there's something far more subtle going on here. This little contest took place at the end of a three year drought, and Elijah didn't just pour out his own canteen on his pile of wood. Nope, he digs a fucking moat and pours a goddamned river on it. At that specific place and time, water was more valuable than gold or jewels or Ahab's best wives, and Elijah poured water on God's altar as a sacrifice. Elijah wasn't just being cocky, he was sacrificing the most important thing in the world, and it paid off more than any chanting or orgies ever would. This is seriously deep I think, and easy to miss if you're too busy concentrating on the whole "Wow Elijah is such a prick" angle. I see the message in this story, and many of the stories in 1 Kings, to be the importance of sacrifice. Elijah sacrificed the most important thing in existence and got it back tenfold when God brought the rain. It's an interesting thought don't you think? Anyway, that's what I learned from 1 Kings, how bout you?