Alright, so I guess I should tell you about the last stuff in 1 Kings yeah? Let's get to it shall we, unfortunately Elijah has bombed out since speaking with God, and he doesn't really show up again until 2 Kings. Still there's a little bit more crazy to share with you, especially regarding Ahab. Let's get to it.
My Name Is Ben-Hadad, and I'm an Alco-Warlord:
Just so we're clear, Ahab is a pussy, a seriously whiny worthless little push over. I think you should know that before we continue, not that it won't be obvious after these stories. See one day this warlord named Ben-Hadad shows up to Israel with his huge army all ready to beat some asses. All you need to know about Ben-Hadad is that he loves to drink. Seriously, almost every mention of him in the Bible involves him and his cronies getting/being drunk. So basically, it's like if that loud obnoxious fratboy who always showed up drunk to your Psych 101 class became king and decided to warlord around. Anyway, He sends a message to Ahab basically saying, "Hey bra, all your gold, silver, and your best wives are mine. Get them all ready, we'll be there on Tuesday after we sleep off our hangovers for looting." Now you'd think most kings would hear that and think: "The hell you say," especially with God on their side. Well sorta on their side, God wasn't a big fan of Ahab if you remember. Well Ahab is just like, "That's cool dude, I didn't even like my best wives anyway, have at it." Yeah, I know, lame. So I guess Ben-Hadad didn't expect them to cave so easily. "Shit," he thinks, "if they give in so easily why not just take them for all they're worth?" So he sends another messenger to Ahab to say, "Did I just say gold, silver, and your best wives? I meant everything, we're coming to take everything, hope that's cool."No it's not, not even for a pansy like Ahab, and finally he consults his elders and they decide to march out to war against Ben-Hadad's drunken crew. A prophet even shows up to say that God's on their side. I don't know who this prophet is, apparently Elijah is the last one left, but it doesn't say it's him, so I don't know. Inconsistencies for the win, woohoo. Anyway, Ahab and his crew march out to meet Ben-Hadad, Hadad's scouts see this and bomb back to drunk camp to warn their king. When Ben-Hadad hears about Israel's advance he say, and I'm not making this up, "If they have come out for peace, take them alive; if they have come out for war, take them alive (20:18)." Seriously man, I know you're drunk and everything, but can't you just say "Take them alive?" That way, even if they come out for birdwatching your men will know to take them alive. Just saying, efficiency is our friend. Not that it matters really, since the dudes got their asses stomped by the Israelites. And so the Aremeans (Ben-Hadad's people, my bad) fled back to their homelands to lick their wounds and drink away their sorrows.
As if getting their asses stomped by Israel once wasn't bad enough, these drunk fratboys decide to give it another go. So they march down to try and fuck up the Israelites again, can you guess what happens next? If you guessed that Israel stomped their asses again then you guessed right. So they retreat back into an occupied city, Ben-Hadad is hiding out in a building when his men get this "brilliant" idea, "We have heard that the kings of the house of Israel are merciful. Let us go to the king of Israel with sackcloth around our waists and ropes around our heads. Perhaps he will spare your life (20:31)." Like, I know you guys are pretty much constantly drunk, but that's the dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard. Not the surrendering part, although God's people are known for ethnic cleansing, so maybe not. No, what the fuck does tying a rope to your head have anything to do with it? Maybe the next time I need to ask for a raise I'll tie a rope to my head, should make them - Oh wait, no, I understand now.
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| Only one person is ever allowed to do this. |
Ugh, I hate the Aremeans, fuckin douche bags. Anyway, it works, Ahab is all like "Yeah dudes, Ben-Hadad is my bro." He even takes the enemy king for a ride on his chariot and everything. He actually does call Ben-Hadad his "brother," see 20:32. So they sign a treaty and Ahab sends the drunk fucktard back home.
Okay, stop me if you've heard this one, God is pissed that Ahab set Ben-Hadad free because he was supposed to kill that pickled D-bag. This happens all the damn time, God says you have to kill everyone, and when the said person doesn't it's bad news for them. Except ... er well ... reading through the story I can't see anyplace where God specifically tells Ahab to kill Ben-Hadad. Usually there's some line spitting by the prophet saying that he must "rout out all the Aremeans" or something. But here there's nothing, so God is basically pissed at Ahab for not doing something God never told him to do. That makes sense. Anyway, how Ahab is told this bit of information is in perfect Biblical batshit form. So okay, get ready for a quote, this is just too crazy not to share.
By the word of the Lord one of the sons of the prophets said to his companion, "Strike me with your weapon,” but the man refused. So the prophet said, “Because you have not obeyed the Lord, as soon as you leave me a lion will kill you." And after the man went away, a lion found him and killed him. (20:35-36)Yeah I know, what the fuck? Like so imagine you're walking with your friend, and all the sudden he's like, "Hey dude, God just spoke to me."
"Oh my-er-wow that's awesome. What did he say?"
"You need to take your sword and stab me with it."
"I what?"
"Fucking stab me with your sword!"
"Man, I'm not gonna stab you, you're my buddy."
"Well then you're gonna get eaten by a lion. Peace bitch."
Also something to note, is whether this person is a prophet, or the son of a prophet. The author of 1 Kings really stopped trying near the end here. I mean I'm sure they didn't have proofreaders back then, but come on, you'd think the dude would at least not just turn in his first draft.
So, anyway, since this cat wouldn't stab his friend for no reason he gets eaten by a lion, totally reasonable I know. Then the prophet, or son of a prophet, or whatever the hell this guy is, walks up to a stranger and is all "Hey stranger, stab me with your sword," and the guy does it. It's one thing to mortally wound your friend when they ask you too, I mean it might be a "Million Dollar Baby" type situation you know? But who in their right mind would stab a stranger just because they strolled up and asked them to? For me to stab a stranger like that they'd probably have to cut me off in traffic first, not just ask to be stabbed. Anyway, our crazy prophet (son) gets himself stabbed, rips up and dirties his clothes a bit, puts a patch over his eye, and sits by the side of some road waiting for King Ahab to roll by. Why in the fuck would he do something like this? Well it's to catch Ahab off guard with one of the Bible's patented trick the king with a scenario that matches his own, therefore getting him to take the side against himself. It happened to David enough times for this to be completely trite by now. But whatever, the prophet waits for Ahab and schools him for letting Ben-Hadad live.
Okay, so I know what your asking yourself, well aside from "How does Zach spend so much time in front of the computer writing all these Bible entries and still keep himself so attractive?" The answer is of course that I'm working myself to death, nothing like good ole American overworking to keep a fellow down to the weight of just his skeleton plus the fat from a handful of jelly bellies. But besides that I know what you're asking yourself: "What does schooling Ahab have to do with getting stabbed?" Good fucking question, see prophet (son) is dressing up like a soldier in the war, and when he sees Ahab he's all like "Oh King Ahab, I had this job to do, I was supposed to keep an eye on this prisoner, the captain said if I lost him then it's my head ... but you can see how I'm at a disadvantage can't you?" Of course here he's pointing to the fake eye patch.
"Doesn't matter," Ahab says, falling right into prophet (son)'s trap, "you were told to guard the prisoner and you let him get away, so it's your life."
"And the same with you and Ben-Hadad asshole," prophet (son) says, triumphantly removing his eye patch, "Bam, you've just been ... um ... prophesied, yeah."
And this story ends with this beautiful little tidbit, "He said to the king, 'This is what the Lord says: "You have set free a man I had determined should die. Therefore it is your life for his life, your people for his people."' Sullen and angry, the king of Israel went to his palace in Samaria (20:42-43)."
Alright, hang on a goddamn minute, so his whole plan rested on pretending to be a soldier at the end of this whole war? So why did he actually have to be stabbed for real? He was sporting a fake eye patch, he didn't have some random dude pluck out his eye and step on it. So you're saying that him and his friend, the one he had killed by lions for not stabbing him by the way, could've just bought a damn sheep, slaughtered it and rubbed the blood all over his clothes that they ripped up for good measure. I see this as the much more efficient plan, think about it. First of all your best friend doesn't get eaten by lions. Second, there's no risk of fucking bleeding out before Ahab even shows up, where would you be then smartass huh? Third, there's no risk of bleeding out after you've said your peace to Ahab and go on your way. Seriously, the whole not actually stabbing yourself is an awesome plan, next time I suggest trying that instead, because seriously, if God tells you to stab yourself, it may be time to stop listening to the voices shouting inside your head. Just saying. Also I should point out again, that I don't remember God ever telling Ahab to actually kill Ben-Hadad. Though God certainly isn't above punishing someone for something like that, putting more evidence on the God is a woman pile, "Well you should just know that Ben-Hadad was supposed to be killed. Why do I have to tell you every little thing?" We've all been there haven't we fellas?
Naboth's Vineyard (Return of the Jedi):
Hey, here's a story: There'a this cat named Naboth, that has the unfortunate luck of owning a vineyard right next to Ahab's palace. Now Ahab wants this vineyard, so he bombs over to Naboth's place and asks him to make an honest trade. Ahab actually offers to give Naboth an even better vineyard in exchange, or hell Ahab will pay him whatever Naboth thinks it's worth. I mean as much flak that Ahab gets in this book, he's at least a decent enough guy here. He could've just seized the poor mans vineyard and thrown him in the dead-book if he gave him any guff. But no, Ahab just asks all polite like, offering a better deal for Naboth if he was smart enough to take it. Naboth isn't smart enough to take it though, he tells Ahab to get packing, and so Ahab storms back home in a teary huff and locks himself in his bedroom alone to pout and cry about it (pictured below).
Seriously guys, he's so torn up about this he wont even leave his room to eat. He hasn't been this upset since he last tangled with the white whale. So his wife Jezebel comes to his door to try to suss out what's the matter, and when he tells her she says, "Is this any way for a king to act? Quit being such a pussy, I'll get you your vineyard." And so Jezebel sends a letter to some folks, the gist of which basically has them stone Naboth to death. That's what you get when you cross Jezebel apparently. Yeah she was seriously hardcore, but shit, somebody had to be, 'cause it sure as hell wasn't going to be Ahab. After Naboth was horribly murdered Jezebel goes to her lame ass husband and tells him that "Wow how lucky, Naboth died mysteriously, you can go get his vineyard now."
Ahab skips out to his new vineyard, happy as a clam, singing and dancing while he surveys his new property. But his elation doesn't last long, since right as he's deciding where to install the new jacuzzi, he's interrupted by a loud pop and a quick flash of light, so bright that Ahab covers his eyes. When he lowers his hands he finds Elijah standing before him. That's right folks, Elijah's back in town, woohoo. "So you have found me, my enemy (21:20)," Ahab says to his old nemesis. Man, Ahab always addresses Elijah in the most badass ways possible. This isn't as epic as coining the word "troubler" but it's still mighty epic.
"I have found you," Elijah answers. Also epic.
"Have you come to burn my new vineyard this time, is that why you're here?"
"No, I'm here because you murdered a man and stole his property. I am going to bring disaster on you. I will consume your descendants and cut off every last male from your line, and dogs will devour Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel. Simply put, God is fed up with your shit." And with that he disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving Ahab alone to pout in his ill-gotten vineyard. Like I said before, Elijah is the master of popping in, fucking up someones shit, and immediately popping right back out. It's good to see him in this final part, even it is ever so briefly.
So, does anything else happen in 1 Kings? Not much really, there's some more prophets denouncing Ahab for being a prick and some other war type stuff, but this is pretty much it. Except for how Ahab dies, ah it's brilliant. See, he forms an alliance with the king of Judah and the two of them go to war against Aram. So Ahab tells the other king, "Okay, you march into battle with your royal clothes on and I'll go into battle disguised." Haha wow man, what a fucking pussy. Thing is it doesn't matter, the opposing army when they learn that the other king isn't Ahab they don't give a shit, they focus on Israel's army instead. Turns out Ahab's scheming is for nought as "someone drew his bow at random and hit the king of Israel between the sections of his armor (22:34)." Ah isn't that the pits? King Ahab, he lived a pussy and he died a pussy. Sometimes the Bible is brilliantly poetic with its justice don't you think. "As for the other events of Ahab’s reign, including all he did, the palace he built and inlaid with ivory, and the cities he fortified, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel (22:39)?" Why yes, yes they are. Until next time.
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