The Book That God Wrote, 2 Kings Part 2

Hey there everyone, I'm back to do some more Bible commenting about. Wait ... yeah that's right. Today we get to learn about Jehu, who will be the king of Israel. Except first he has to kill about half the country to get there. Wow, sounds like your typical summer blockbuster. What are sequels for after all. Off we go.

Death of a Fratboy (Last of the Douchehicans):

Well dear readers, today Ben-Hadad, the drunken fratboy warrior king of Aram, finally meets his end. It's been a good run, hell he survived 1 Kings and made it all the way to the sequel. That's impressive, that's longer than most any king of Israel or Judah has made it recently. Unless ... it's not just a different dude named Ben-Hadad is it Bible? Or just like the title of Aram's king? You'd tell me if it was wouldn't you Bible? That's what I thought. So anyway, Ben-Hadad is sick, possibly on his deathbed, "Bra," he mutters grabbing onto his friend's arm, "go ask Elisha if I'll recover." So his bra, Hazael goes off with some gifts for Elisha and asks him what will become of his master Ben-Hadad.
"Oh he'll recover," Elisha responds, "but he'll die." And if you weren't completely convinced that men of God are pretty much insane by now, well, then this happens, Elisha, "stared at him with a fixed gaze until Hazael felt ashamed. Then the man of God began to weep (8:11)."
"What's wrong bra, why are you crying?"

Elisha responds, holding back tears, "Because I know the harm you will do to the Israelites. You will set fire to their fortified places, kill their young men with the sword, dash their little children to the ground, and rip open their pregnant women (8:12)." Woah, that's pretty fucking horrible. I mean the fire and cutting dudes with swords, that's all well and good in war. But the women and children? Especially the preggers ones? Like can't you just kill them? Do you really need to do all that. Man, the frat boys have gone too far this time, when drunk ass college kids start cutting open bellies to rip out fetuses, that's when you know the party's gone on too long. And seriously Elisha, did you ever think that maybe Hazael would've just failed all of his classes and dropped out if you hadn't have said anything? Now you've given him prospects, horrible sure, but we all know that fratboys have low ass standards anyway (Zing!). But no, you went ahead and told him he'd be like Doom-King Pregger-Slayer: The Dasher of Children, and you fucking told him that God showed you all this? Way to go idiot.

When Hazael gets back Ben-Hadad is excited, "What did he say bra? What did he say? Will I recover from this itchy STD?"
"Oh yeah," Hazael says, "you'll totally recover, totally."
"Sweet, oh, before you go ... could you pop my collar for me? I'm to weak too do it myself."
If you're thinking that Hazael reaches down and strangles Ben-Hadad with his own popped collar, then you're wrong. Although, that would be awesome, and I can't lie, it's something I want to do every time I see some douche commando fratboy walk by sporting one. No, Hazael waits until that night, soaks a towel in water and presses it against Ben-Hadad's face, suffo-drowning him. The next day, Hazael takes over as king, "Alright my Aram bras, let's get to those pregnant women that need chopping."

Driving Like Jehu (Ridin Dirty):

Alright, alright, I know what you're thinking: "That Zach sure is a sexy fellow, I mean the way he reads the Bible and comments on it, it's just mmm." And you know what, you're right, I am sexy when I read the Bible, I'm like like this:

except in male form, and with frillier underwear. But no, I know what you're thinking besides all that. "Where is the fuckin violence you promised? We came here for violence! Not for your obvious sexiness. Violence!" Okay, okay, you want some more violence, well here you go. God comes to Elisha and is like "Yo, go anoint this cat Jehu as king, he's solid."
"Word," Elisha responds, and off he goes to anoint this new king. Wait, no I'm sorry, that's not what happened ... that's how it usually happens, let me flip through my Bible, oh okay. Yeah Elisha one day grabs one of his cronies and says, "Tuck your cloak into your belt, take this flask of oil with you and go to Ramoth Gilead (9:1)." Umm okay, why do I need to tuck my cloak into my belt? Is this like a formal thing? If that's the case shouldn't I put on a tie and stuff too? Then, "When you get there, look for Jehu son of Jehoshaphat, the son of Nimshi. Go to him, get him away from his companions and take him into an inner room (9:2)." Umm to do what exactly? I'm a little worried now. "Then take the flask and pour the oil on his head and declare, 'This is what the Lord says: I anoint you king over Israel.' Then open the door and run; don't delay (9:3)." Man, that Jehu's into some kinky shit, alright, so off he goes to anoint Jehu as King of Israel.

So when this guy gets to Ramoth Gilead, he does exactly what Elisha told him to do ... except he says a whole lot more. Like a lot more, he was just supposed to scream "Jehu's king bitches!" and bomb the fuck out, but nooo. This cat has to orate, so he just starts going, "You will destroy the house of Ahab, you will avenge the blood shed by God's servants with the blood of Jezebel. Jezebel will be eaten by dogs, and no one will bury her. Then her bones will  probably explode. So say we all ... er I mean Amen." Then this guy runs away. So yeah, this guy totally had a hate on for ole Jezebel. You remember Jezebel right?

Killin men for their vineyards since 850 BC.

So sweet, so delicate. Well, it turns out that Jehu is the perfect batshit sadistic motherfucker to accomplish all the things Elisha's crony screamed he'd do. Seriously, Jehu was a dick. Observe.

First thing Jehu does is he musters his men and takes off to destroy Joram, the current king of Israel, and Ahaziah, the king of Judah. No, not my battle cry, he's too cool to die. Anyway, both kings were chilling in the city of Jezreel, when the lookout on the watchtower calls down, "Um, yeah, sorry to interrupt my good fellows, but there seems to be a motley crew of riders coming this way."
"I say," Joram responds, "better have a look then."
"Indeed," answers the watchman.
Yes, they're all British, get over it. So they send a messenger out to ask these riders if they come in peace. Jehu snarls at the messenger, "What do you have to do with peace. Fall in behind me (9:18)."
"I say," calls the watchman, "seems our messenger has joined up with those rapscallions."
"How peculiar," Joram says, "well chaps, I suppose we send another messenger, what have you?"
"Cheerio," Ahaziah chips in.
"Yes, pip pip," Joram answers, "off you go." So the second messenger rides off to ask Jehu if he comes in peace or not, and this messenger falls in with the crew as well.
"I hate to cause alarm my good fellows," the watchman calls down again, "this messenger has also fallen in with them. And to my eye it looks as if it's Jehu, and he's driving like a maniac."

Just so you know, that last bit is biblical, ever hear of someone driving like Jehu? Yeah me neither, but apparently it's a thing, since it actually says in the Bible that Jehu drives like a maniac (See 9:20).

Like Jehu baby.

So Joram and Ahaziah decide to ride out and meet our little rebel without a cause to see what his deal is. Joram reaches Jehu first, "What have you knave, do you come in peace?"
"How can there be peace as long as the idolatry and witchcraft of your bitch of a mother Jezebel still pollutes Israel."
Joram turns to flee, screaming to Ahaziah, "Treachery Ahaziah-" as he does Jehu shoots him through the heart with his bow. Ahaziah sees this, does an about face, and tries to flee himself.
Jehu laughs, "You're next asshole," he calls, and off he and his men go to chase him down and kill him.

After Ahaziah is taken care of, my poor little battle cry, Jehu and his men stroll into Jezreel, looking to take out Jezebel. Jezebel, in true badass hardcore fasion, dresses herself up nice, paints her face, then from her window calls down to Jehu and his men. "Have you come in peace you murderous dog?"
Jehu laughs, "You're either with me or against me, who is on my side?" He sees some eunuchs looking out of the windows in Jezebel's house. "Hey, you balless cowards, throw her from the window." Poor Jezebel, Jehu just found one of the few types of men that can't be swayed by your womanly ways ... your distracting wiles ... sorry, jeez she's even affecting me from like 2800 years away. That Jezebel. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, these fucking balless freaks are just like "Word, fuck that bitch," and they bomb upstairs and throw Jezebel out her window. Wow, even the balless want to defenestrate Jezebel, I mean I've always fantasized about defenestrating Jezebel, hell any bitchy hot girl actually. I mean just the physics involved makes me all ... sigh. Wait, what are we talking about?

Right, sorry, horrible death, right. Yeah, apparently falling from a great height wasn't enough, Jehu and his men fucking trample her broken body with their horses until she's just some bloody soggy mass. Then they go inside her house for a cup of tea. Seriously, what a bunch of dicks, "You think she's dead yet? Cool, let's go eat her food." After a little while, Jehu puts down his wine goblet and says, "Alright, somebody should probably bury that bitch before she starts to stink up the place." Turns out it's too late, dogs had already eaten her body and carried off the bones. Damn dudes, how long were you partying in Jezebel's house while she was rotting outside? You guys are some evil sons of bitches, seriously. Turns out it's just going to get worse. Do I have to keep going? Haven't you had enough violence for one Bible entry?

Farewell Princess.

No? Ugh fine, so Jehu doesn't want to stop until he's killed Ahab's entire family. Nothing new here right? I mean, that's what most usurping kings do. Yeah except the rest of Ahab's family are all under 12 years old. That's right folks, the new apointed by God king of Israel is about to kill a bunch of fucking kids. And you know, it'd be one thing if he did and at least pretended to be ashamed. Like you know, in secret or something. Nope! He sends a letter to the people in charge of caring for these kids, "If you are on my side and will obey me, take the heads of your master’s sons and come to me in Jezreel by this time tomorrow (10:6)." And these cats fucking do it. Here, let me just quote it: "Now the royal princes, seventy of them, were with the leading men of the city, who were rearing them. When the letter arrived, these men took the princes and slaughtered all seventy of them. They put their heads in baskets and sent them to Jehu (10:6-7)." Yep, Jehu just had seventy kids killed and their heads shipped to him. You know what he did with the heads? He fucking piled them up at the gate of the city. Yeah, seriously, then called all the people around the heads to tell them what's what. See, that's when I would move. "Hey what do you think of the new king?"
"Well, I support his Jezebel defenestration policy, but totally disagree with his kid killing policy."
"What? Aren't you patriotic? Why do you hate Israel?"
"Huh?"
"You're either with us or against us, the Aramites hate our freedom, and the day we stop killing kids is the day the terrorists win."
"What?"

So there you have it, Jehu kills seventy kids, piles their heads up and says that God told him to do it (10:9-10). And he's not even done, now he sets his sights on an entire religion. He aims to finish what Elijah started by murdering every single priest of Baal. As much as I dislike Jehu, and think he's nothing but a psychotic madman, he does have a bombin one-liner here, "Ahab served Baal a little; Jehu will serve him much (10:18)." Zing! Watch out. Man, I hope you were taking off your sunglasses dramatically when you said that.

Oooh yeah, that's how it's done.

Also, props on using your own name all in third person. Yeah, this guy's going places. Anyway, he calls the higher ups of the Baal boys (Do they have a name for their religion? Baalites maybe?) and tells them, "Hey, just 'cause I hate Ahab doesn't mean I'm not down with you guys. That was just business, you understand right? Here, let's have a whole lovin' Baal day, and we'll invite every priest of Baal throughout the land. Everyone has to come, everyone." The Baal boys think this is a great idea, so they plan the day, and every single Baal boy priest shows up for the conference. Everyone was there, Maxwell Baalmen, Johnny McBaal, and even Professor Baalabong who wrote the treatise on who would win in a fist fight: Baal or a Hammerdin. With everyone there, wining, dining, and arguing over the finer points of Baalology, Jehu's men barricade the doors and slaughter everyone inside.

So, after piling up all the Baal boys' corpses they take the sacred stone of Baal and burn it ... then destroy it. Seriously, the Bible says they did both. In one sentence they burn it, and in the next sentence they demolish it. Okaay, have it your way then, do whatever you need to do to make sure that it's dead. Then they tore down the Baal boy temple, and according to the Bible the "People have used it for a latrine to this day (10:27)." Haha, that's right Baal, we tore down your temple and now we take leaks on the rubble, and every so often a dude with zero shame will drop a deuce on it. Yahweh wins douche bag, Yahweh wins. So, that's a pretty good place to stop don't you think? I do, and since I'm in fucking charge of this thing I'm the one who gets to say its over. Until next time dearies.