The Book That God Wrote, Psalms

Hello everyone, I'm back. After a long long bit of work I am officially unofficially a doctor. Yes I final defended my dissertation last week, which is pretty much the last hurdle required. Though I probably can't put it on my luggage until after graduation, but I'm pretty much there. Soon, after six years of grueling thankless bullshit work, I can finally add some letters to my name. Woo (it's really depressing when you think of it that way actually, so I wont). The real question is though: does this make me more qualified to tell you what I think of Psalms? Oh my, let's find out shall we?

How's that for a fucking segue? Nailed it. Anyway, Psalms, in laymen terms (Which I really struggle using now that I'm a doctor and everything) is just a collection of poems and songs and such. One thing I didn't realize beforehand though, is that they aren't all written by David. In fact there's one by Solomon in there, and a bunch by Asaph, whoever the hell that is, and one written by the major badass himself: Moses. Hell they even let Heman write one.

By the Power of Psalm 88!

I know, why not let Samson write one at this point (I've done this horrible joke before sorry)? At least this is what I'm guessing the Bible means when they say "A prayer. Of David," etc. Another "interesting" thing is how some of the ancient lyrical forms are still listed intact, even though we have no idea what the fuck they are anymore. So sure you'll find the occasional song, but Psalms is actually a collection of maskils, miktams, alamoths, sheminiths, gittiths, shiggaions, and psalms. And no, I didn't make up any of those words. I really wish I had though, props to the dude that did. I especially like "shiggaion," mainly because I feel like you should say it like "Hey, what you gettin shiggai on?" Anyway, the best of these old lyrical forms is the acrostic poem which as the footnotes put it, "the stanzas of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet." Wait, does that mean David wrote the first alphabet book?

D is for Dinah was horribly raped by Schechem.

So, what are all these psalms and not psalms about? That's easy, they're all about God. Yep, pretty much every psalm says either "God is awesome, here's an exhaustive list of all the super damn fly things he's done," or "God destroys the wicked in horrible ways," or "Oh shit, God is fucking terrifying because I've been wicked." No kidding, and many of them will switch from one to the other at will. Actually, I'll do you one better, I can pretty much sum up the entirety of this book by writing a little psalm of my own.

Psalm 111
A psalm. A song. A psalm. Of Zach. For a post of "The Book That God Wrote." 

God you are awesome
So awesome that I had to write this psalm.
I don't even know what a psalm is,
but you're so awesome I wrote one for you anyway.
The sun sets because you say so.
Actually it's because the earth revolves around the sun,
so instead I'll just say you invented gravity and be done with it.
But you're so awesome you created Issac Newton
and let him take the credit for that shit.
Totally classy move God. 

I rejoice because you fuck up the wicked.
No seriously God, you're always fucking up the wicked's day.
You put sand in their mouths, and cobras in their ears.
You grow thorn bushes in their shoes and laugh
while they try to do their sexy mating dance in thorny shoes.
I laugh too, for the grace of God shines on my face,
but never shines on the those sexy wicked bitches. 

God, why have you forsaken me?
Enemies surround me on all sides.
Seriously, even above and below me,
Like swarms of bees and evil molemen respectively.
And as much as I like molemen,
it's not cool when they surround me like that.
I lay prostate before you in sackcloth,
which isn't really all that flattering.
So if you could just go ahead and forgive me already,
that'd be great.

Yes, I do get pretty excited about all this Bible analysis stuff, you saw my crappy wall of Jericho picture didn't you? So yeah, that's pretty much Psalms, I mean you've read Psalm 23 right? If not, get on that shit. It really does show how poetic this stuff can be, for the most part, and depending on the translator. Some great songs have been stolen straight from this book, looking at you U2. But you already know all this, I mean even people who don't know dick about the Bible know what Psalms is. So you're not here to have me explain it to you. Nope, you're here for me to make fun of it, usually in ways that hint at nonexistent or forced sexual innuendo, along with inappropriate cursing. You know what's up, so let's not waste any more fucking time and get right to it shall we?

Did you know that God has the hots for the sun, haha get it? I'm so sorry. Anyway, check it out, "In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun, ... It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat (19,4-5)." Ohh yeah, that's ... actually that's pretty fucking disgusting. I get the sun is hot and all (Sorry I'll stop now), but I really could've gone the rest of my life not knowing that God's erection goes from one end of the heavens to the other. It does make sense in a really horrible way though, and I guess the sun is pleased. Being a gigantic ball of flaming gas probably means she needs a hell of a hung guy to get her off, so good for her ... I guess.

Oh yeah, right in the convection zone.

Aren't you glad I'm back? I guess they could have really been talking about an actual tent, but what fun is that? Okay, let's keep this train wreck rolling, Psalms has one of the greatest lines I've ever read in the Bible, ever. It's found in Psalm 87: "The Lord will write in the register of the peoples: 'This one was born in Zion.' As they make music they will sing, 'All my fountains are in you' (6-7)." All your what are what? That's ... I ... that might be one of the sexiest things I've ever heard. No really. The next time I make love to my girlfriend, I plan to gently embrace her, press my lips to her ear and delicately whisper, "All my fountains are in you." 'Cause that's what boyfriends do.

Aren't you glad I'm back? By the time I'm done you'll never want to come back. Here, I'll do you one better, actually nothing's better than that fountain line, but I'll try. Anyway, there was this guy who was really into following God's laws. Like really into it. Whoever wrote Psalm 119 (He remains anonymous), the longest damn psalm in the book, wrote shit like, "I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches (14)." Alright man, following God's rules is cool and all, but as cool as a swimming pool of money Scrooge McDuck style? I don't know. "Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long (97)." All day long huh? This is starting to sound like a love poem. "I open my mouth and pant, longing for your commands (131)." Wooah ... what? It sounds more like you have a God fetish now ... like some kind of sick bondage God fetish. Which in most cases I'd say whatever floats your boat ... I mean the big man does like bossing people around, so a dominating relationship makes sense, but are you sure? You read what my comments about Psalm 19 above right? Hope you have a pain as pleasure thing going on too, yikes. And yes you read right, Psalm 119 has 176 lines, get a fucking life dude.

Aren't you glad I'm back? I'll just keep asking that until everyone's gone. Won't be much longer. Lucky for you though, that's about as far as I can stretch the innuendo ... har har, get it? No? Yes, I am sorry. Anyway, from here all I have left to share is some of the lines that I just thought were kind of weird. Let me just plow through them and get it over with okay? Okay. Let's see, some shit about horses? Check, "A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save (33:17)." Dude haven't you seen the movie where the guy jumps off the train onto the back of his horse? I'd say that horse fucking saved the day. Wrong again Bible! Next. So speaking of horses, "His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man (147:10)," I knew God didn't swing that way.

Okaay, what's next? How bout, "Surely God will crush the heads of his enemies, the hairy crowns of those who go on in their sins (68:21)." The hairy what now? I don't even know what that's supposed to be, and I'm kind of scared to find out. Next. "He rained meat down on them like dust (78:27)," It's raining meat! Hallelujah! It's raining meat! Wait, like dust? Hm? Hey, speaking of meat (God, there's a segue I regret), did you know there was a land of ham in the Bible? A Land of Ham. "Jacob lived as an alien in the land of Ham (105:23)," and as if that wasn't enough, "They forgot the God who saved them, who had done great things in Egypt, miracles in the land of Ham (106:21-22)." What other miracle could do anything but pale in comparison to the mere existence of the land of ham? I ask you.

Here's a nice one: "Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other (85:10)." Hope and justice make out; honesty gets to second base with humility. Humility would never brag about it though ('Cause duh). Love and companionship bone like mad and pass out on the couch; kindness and politeness take a shower together. Compassion and valor high five ... Oh sorry, I thought we were doing virtue slash fics, but of course I would think that. Here, why don't I just leave you with the best image I can muster for you from Psalms: "Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds—his name is the Lord (68:4)."

I fucking knew it. Oh hang on, I better go, my nerd is showing. I'll see you next time.