Good News Everyone

Greetings and blessings brothers and, to a lesser extent, sisters. Thank you for coming by to visit my blog today. I have some spectacular news to share with you, wonderful resplendent news. News though that will imply pretty big changes to the blog. So read on to see what's in store for me and you and everything else.

Over the past few years I've been working towards a big change in my life. A big life affirming change that has required a lot of inner toil and soul searching. No no, not that silly little doctorate, I'm talking about the well being of my soul. See, since Highschool I've been walking the path of opening my mind, learning as much as I could about the world and myself. Little did I know that when I finished the requirements for the highest academic degree attainable, that I would come full circle and also earn the highest spiritual grace attainable. Full circle from opening my mind right back to closing tighter than it ever was. See a few months ago a man came by my apartment with a message, and those of you who know me probably know exactly how that went. I started asking him tough questions, and tougher questions, and ... well I actually started listening this time. With all this mind opening I had forgotten to open it to the one truth that had been there all along: God's love. That's right gentle wonderful readers of mine, I am now officially born again.

Now I know that most of my readers are Godless heathens fated for an eternity in the 99 circles of hell, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. In fact, I am obligated to love you like myself, provided I don't actually have to interact with you in any meaningful way, other than berating you with fear tactics. But the point is, since most of you aren't part of the wondrous fold of the heavenliest father, let me explain in simple terms what "born again" means. See, I know that your sinful brain thinks it means that I've physically jumped back through my mother's vagina only to pop back out again, but ... Oh no, I'm not supposed to say the "V" word, that's the Devil's word, I'm supposed to say "God's holy incubation crucible." Anyway, I'm not popping back out of any crucibles. You need to stop thinking literally like a scientist, y'know, with your brain, and start thinking with your heart soul. What "born again" means is that I have given my life wholly and non-refundably to Jesus Christ, and legally to Silent Hills Community Church of the Resplendent Holy Ghost God and affiliates, including but not limited to Pastor Bruce Bellersby.

What this means for you, as readers of my blog, is a once in a lifetime opportunity: a blog written by and for followers of the Christian faith. Imagine post after post of positive life-affirming messages reflecting God's grace onto the soulless liberal media of the internet. Now it should be obvious, even to your sin rattled brain, that "The Book That God Wrote" cannot continue in its current fashion. Therefore, right now, I'm announcing a new series, "The Book That God So Lovingly Graced Us," which will present the correct interpretation of the Bible as approved by the Silent Hills Community Church of the Resplendent Holy Ghost God and affiliates. No longer will there be jokes at God's expense or jests implying that the Bible is contradictory. In fact, no more humor of any kind, since humor and fun are the Devil's lures. Also, no more promotion of liberal ideals like social justice, feminism and homosexual equality. Instead I'll be using the Bible to prove, with evidence, that poor people deserve what they get, that women belong in the kitchen, and that homosexuality is not just wrong, but also disgusting.

Isn't this exciting? There isn't a single blog out there that will be like this, not a one. It will be a shining bastion of hope, prejudice, and all things Godly on the Devil's internet. I don't want you to fear though, I know the unsaved are fearful of change, and pretty much everything, but this will be for the best. Though "The Book That God Wrote" will be deleted and my harddrive salted and burned, I'm still the same Zach, except now I'm going to heaven, even if it means losing all my friends and loved ones in the process. I'm sure God doesn't break up blogs everyday, but he is today. Look for the new series "The Book That God So Lovingly Graced Us" soon. I love you all, or at least I'm obligated to say so.