What I Learned From Exodus

Let's see, what did I learn from from Exodus? First of all, Exodus is pretty boring. Ok, well that's not exactly fair, the story of Moses is one of the coolest in Bible to be sure, but compared to Genesis? Yeah I know, it's not really fair to compare anything to Genesis, I have a feeling none of the other books will be as enthusiastically crazy and fun as the one we get right out of the gate. Which is smart, the Bible has one of the best beginnings I've ever read, hook them in the first ten pages right? Well they chose the right book to open the Bible with then, that's for damn sure. Exodus though, well remember when I compared Genesis to the big bang and said by the time we see Joesph that things had started cooling down a bit? Right, well Exodus just keeps the cooling down thing rolling. For one, where Genesis focused on generations of people, all with fucked up families and rivalries, Exodus tells the story of one man, albeit a badass one. Further, by the second half most of the story is over and God just starts listing things off in the most boring way he possibly can. Seriously, I had to actually work to make Exodus humorous, whereas Genesis easily spoke for itself and I could really just employ Jon Stewart's strategy he wrote on his hand a couple of weeks ago: "Make face, curse."

The Book That God Wrote, Exodus Part 2

Welcome to the second and final part of Exodus, wait final part? Already? Is Exodus really that short? Well, not really, a good third of Exodus turns out to be God listing off laws, their various punishments, and his interior design requirements down to the most agonizingly boring and precise details. I plan to spare you most of that and skip right to the good stuff, like what happens when the Israelites finally cause Moses to snap and God to reconsider this whole exodus thing. Let's just say that you don't want to be on Moses' bad side, though you knew that already right? Anyway, here's the story so far: Introduction, Genesis, Exodus part 1. Read on to see how it all turns out.

Science Is Real

Thank you They Might Be Giants for your latest children's album "Here Comes Science." Giving it a listen today I noticed something in the very first song, right out of the gate, I thought I'd share. They explain what a scientific theory is in simple language children can understand. What's unfortunate about this is how many adults out there need to be sat down and have this drilled into their head (and most of them need it in terms of the simple language too). It's so sad, my only dream is that every parent will buy this for their kids, and then the next generation growing up wont say dumb crap like "Oh evolution is just a theory." Sigh, just a theory, if you only knew how dumb you sound are when you say that. The lyrics containing their explanation can be found below after the cut, as well as a video of the whole song.

The Book That God Wrote, Exodus Part 1

Welcome everyone to the latest entry in "The Book That God Wrote" series. Today we start on the second book of the Bible: Exodus. In this part of the story God decides it's time to show off a bit (guess the Israelites have gotten a bit jaded since that gullible Abraham), where we meet the dumbest ruler in all history, we meet the Clint Eastwood/Batman/Gandalf of the Hebrews who doesn't take kindly to his people being enslaved, and God finally thinks its a good idea to lay down some ground rules (other than the "absolutely no foreskins allowed" one they already have). So, when we last left the Israelites, they had settled down in Egypt, how did that turn out? Yeah, not so well, read on to see what happens next. Here's the story so far: Genesis and a little introduction. Unsurprisingly, I think I've already offended a few serious adult types, you really should read the introduction first, you'll know where I'm coming from and if you should continue.

What I Learned From Genesis

This may sound surprising to anyone who knows me, but Genesis kinda reminds me of the big bang. No no, not that horrible "joke" that Christians use, "God said 'Let there be light,' then BAM it happened." Ugh, no. Let me explain, see the big bang was a cataclysmic event, a huge explosion of ... well, everything. Complete chaos for centuries before everything started cooling down. Stars, planets, and all sorts of nebula begin to form, and slowly, so slowly, life begins on our little blue planet. Likewise, Genesis begins with complete chaos: talking legged snakes, giant floods, flaming sulfur rain, and psychopaths bombing about in the wilderness. The beginning of God's line is an extremely tumultuous one, but slowly it begins to calm down. We slowly go from complete batshit chaos to a long story about the rivalry between Jacob and Esau, in which crazy shit still goes down, but it's finally relatable. Then slowly, in the next generation we come to Joseph and his brothers. More sibling rivalry, more family drama, still more crazy shit, but compared to the first part of Genesis, this is a goddamned stand still. And here, in this relative stand still, the planets now formed and slowly spinning, we finally start to see glimpses of moral behavior, glimpses of the kind of life God supposedly appreciates (and requires).

The Book That God Wrote, Genesis Part 3

Finally! Welcome to part three in "The Book That God Wrote" series, where we finish off Genesis once and for all. Sorry for the extreme lateness of this post, me and super spy girlfriend went on a road trip up to TN which stopped this in its tracks basically, but here it is, finally. So, how did Jacob's children turn out and did he learn anything from his own troubled childhood? Here we meet the first good natured person in this whole messed up bloodline, even though he's prone to playing pranks on his brothers (but hey, who isnt?). These final chapters also have such things as additional foreskin slaughter, technicolor dream coats, attempted fratricide, and some oddly placed coitus interruptus (isn't it always?). Read on fellow traveler (or read the introduction, or parts one and two if you're just joining us).

The Book That God Wrote, Genesis Part 2

Apparently they do let kids read this, along with little crucifixes for them to choke on (apologies to my super spy girlfriend for picking on the Catholics, they just had the best looking Children's Bible, should tell you something). Enough chatter, on with the show, whatever happened to that crazy kid that was almost murdered by his own father? (Intro here, part one here)

The Book That God Wrote, Genesis Part 1

Welcome to the first true post in my Bible reading series "The Book That God Wrote." I plan to tear ass through the entire Bible in about a year and three months reading about a book a week (yes I did a little math to figure that out). I also plan to go in order so we're starting with some Genesis action, which includes such things as naked people, talking snakes, fratricide, giant floods, people turning into pillars of salt, raining fiery sulfur and much much more. Read on for the excitement (or read here for more preliminary exposition).

The Book That God Wrote, Introduction

If you read a my entry last week you know that I plan on reading through the entire Bible, and then sharing my thoughts here. This has turned out to be a little more ambitious than I expected, but never fear I'm still doing it, with just a few changes. I wanted to make this a Sunday feature, as in one post per week on my thoughts for each book. One thing I didn't realize his how dense and packed to the brim each book is. I'm going to have to split up each book into multiple entries. Which means I can post each entry sporadically throughout the week, but I'd still like the last entry to land on Sundays if at all possible. Of course I'm already behind, it being Sunday after all, and I only have one part completed as of right now, real life intervened. I'm also considering a "What I Learned" for each book, just a bit to say a few last words on each book as I go along. I'm inspired to do this due to my upset feelings towards Genesis as it stands as an introduction to what's supposed to be our spiritual and moral guide.

The Problem With Points And Lines

I was presented with an interesting question many years ago as an undergraduate. It was apparently a theory by some philosopher or other who had a claim saying why he thought math was kinda full of shit, well ok he just had an interesting paradox. I forget the name of the philosopher, but his idea went like this: Take a line (segment), it has a length correct? Well a line, we're told, is a collection of an infinite number of points crammed all together. Now, what's the length of a point? We're also told a point is dimensionless, i.e. it has zero length. Therefore, the length of a line should be zero correct? Since a line = an infinite number of points, therefore the length of a line should = 0+0+0+ ... right? Thus all lines have length zero and thus everything fucking falls apart. This, the philosopher claimed, displays that there's something wrong with the foundations of mathematics, i.e. how we treat points and lines.

You Shouldn't Have Questioned The Ham!

This is a little family bragging here. My cousin Will, who's a very creative type (like many in my badass family), makes films. He plans on majoring in filmmaking next year when he starts college. Which was a path I seriously considered doing myself but didn't really have the balls or real know how to do. Anyway, apparantly he's put his film projects online and I'm just finding out about it. I suggest checking them out here cause they actually are quite cool. Especially awesome is his "A Marvelous Misadventure" which is basically a recreation of the tea party scene in "Alice In Wonderland," but what's fascinating is his use of editing and costumes with seemingly zero budget. The beginning even has a very cool looking paper man (shown above) and the mouse puppet at the tea party (voiced by Will) is brilliant. Will, from what I hear, directs, edits, writes, acts in, and even makes props/puppets for each one. So go watch, he may go on to do puppet filled little indie flicks for Focus Features, who knows. Also, there's a magic ham, A Magic Ham! Go watch! (More Pictures after the cut)