The Book That God Wrote, Numbers Part 2

Welcome back, the fun is finally starting back up again. What's the fate of Korah's coup? What do the Israelites do for 40 years in the wilderness? Do the Israelites ever learn their lesson? The 2nd part of Numbers brings on the violence again in a big way, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. You'll see, oh you'll see, read on fellow traveler, Numbers continues with a bang.

 Korah's Conspiracy:

We last left the Israelites after they were cast back out into the desert, and Korah, Dathan, and Abiram had begun conspiring against Moses. They believed Moses had gone too far and that it was time for God to favor other (better) leaders. See Korah believed that all of the Israelites were holy, being God's chosen people and all, so they didn't think it was fair that only Moses got to be the number one guy. He believed they all deserved a say, or at least all deserved to hear God's words first hand to judge for themselves. Everything they heard as the word of God came through Moses, and as far as they knew, that senile psychopath was making it all up. The Israelites needed, nay deserved, a collection of leaders to better to interpret the word of God. I admit, a lot of this is my own personal take on this, but it makes sense from the context clues, and it's not so far fetched. After being cast back out into the wilderness and after a man is stoned to death for gathering fucking firewood, why shouldn't a collection of leaders be with Moses, and hear the same words he does, if only for verification. It seems fair, and especially after the previous coup failed miserably, this seems like a logical and peaceful approach. So Korah gathered 250 men and approached Moses with their concerns, and did so in a fairly peaceful manner.

Well this pisses Moses off something fierce, his old badass self shines through and he growls, "What the fuck? You Levites have already been specially chosen as God's bitch crew, what more do you want?" Which completely deflects the real issue, but still he continues, "Fine I'll tell you what, tomorrow all of you bring censers and light them at the tabernacle, that's right all 250 of you, and we'll see who God thinks is fucking holy." Oh, this can't end well, the last thing you want is Moses pissed off at you. So the next day these 250 men light 250 censers in front of the tabernacle and wait for God's response. A little after the men had lit the censers and headed back home God appears to Moses: "What is this shit? I'm going to kill the entire assembly for this!" Which seems really excessive but hey, we've already established that the Old Testament is pretty psychotic. Like always Moses says, "No God, don't kill everyone, it'd be dumb, we've been through this a million times."
"Fine, but tell everyone to get away from Korah, Dathan, and Abiram's tents."
Moses knows exactly what this means, and he bombs down to the conspirators' tents and screams for everyone to make room, "Don't even touch their lawn gnomes bitches, God's response is coming." The three men are standing in front of their tents with their wives and kids looking at the commotion fairly confused, but I'm sure they know whats in store for them. "If these men die natural deaths," Moses screams, pointing accusingly too I'm sure, "then I am not sent by God. But if they die horribly in some fucked up way then you know I am God's most holy and most badass servant, not to mention your leader." Korah holds his wife and kids closer, knowing it will be the last time he ever does. His main regret, I imagine, is that his family got dragged into this as well, that and underestimating God's cruelty.

The earth begins to shake, slowly at first, Moses raises his arms into the air and the shake becomes a violent tremor. The earth cracks and opens underneath Korah, Dathlan, and Abiram, swallowing them whole, along with their families, their tents, and hell even their lawn gnomes. Korah, on his way down into the grave, smiles, his life is over sure, but he's one of the lucky ones. He's dying quickly, we wont have to wander the wastelands his whole life and die a slow agonizing death under that cruel sun. He regrets that his children wont ever see the promised land though, this thought lingers as the ground claps shut above him and he's plunged into eternal darkness. Things aren't much better on the surface as the shit storm has only just begun. As you can imagine, seeing three entire families devoured by the ground has caused complete bedlam, with the Israelites running and screaming things like, "The earth is going to swallow us all!" Which is a completely acceptable reaction if you ask me. God, not content with executing just the leaders, sends his "holy" fire down which consumes the 250 men who offered the incense, and then tells Aaron, "Have your son go and pick up all the censers from the singed corpses, they're holy objects now." So Eleazar goes through the camp, picking up censers from 250 smoldering bodies, which ranks as one of the worst fucking jobs of all time (right up there with the guy who has to collect the dog tags from a tank that exploded), and for what purpose? The censers are hammered into alter coverings, "To remind the Israelites that no one except a descendant of Aaron should come to burn incense before the Lord (16:40)," oh of course, killing 250+ people will really drive that one home huh?

As you can imagine, the Israelites are super pissed, and the next day they all come to bitch out Moses and Aaron. You'd think they would have learned by now, or maybe at this point they don't give a fuck anymore. "This has gone too far," they think, "God has to eventually listen to reason, he can't kill us all off right?" Little do they know that God has actually threatened that four or five times already by this point, and jokes on them God actually tries it this time. Suddenly the cloud of God covers the tabernacle and God strikes the people with a plague. He hits the first few people and it starts spreading through the people, and this is a really mean plague too, it's like instant death, like the Israelites disintegrate down to their skeleton before it passes on to the next few people. "Shit," Moses screams, "It's on, Aaron, take your censer, light it and go make atonement for the people, God's about to kill every fucking body." So Aaron bombs out into the crowd of Israelites, who are running off in all directions screaming again, stands between the dead and the living Israelites holding his censer aloft and stops the plague in its tracks. Damn, Aaron is pretty badass his own self, he stopped a deadly disintegration plague with one of these:

Too bad he didn't act a little sooner though, 14,700 people were disintegrated that day.

Aaron's Adventure Adjourns (Alliteration Aiiee):

God has had enough, he decides to put an end to this mutineering once and for all, but God is finally starting to wise up (man it feels weird saying that). The people don't trust Moses anymore, and all of God's messages come through Moses, and all the smiting just seems to make the people trust Moses even less (Can't imagine why). So God concocts a plan and tells Moses to collect the staves of the leaders of the twelve tribes and write their names on them. Aaron also submits his staff, representing the Levites, and Moses tells the Israelites, "Fine, I'll set these staves in the tabernacle over night, and you can even watch to make sure no one else enters all night too. Whichever staff buds will be the chosen priest of God." So you can probably guess what happens next right? God sends fire down and consumes all the Israelites except for Moses and Aaron, who now have to figure out some way to repropogate the Israelite race. Moses looks Aaron over, "Let's do this." Aaron assumes the position, "Just promise you'll be gentle," Moses laughs, "Does beating you with my staff count as gentle?" WAIT, wait, sorry, that's not what happens, that's an excerpt from my fanfic. Sorry, picked up the wrong notes. No, of course Aaron's staff buds (which is dirty sounding enough right?) and not only that, it turns into a miniature almond tree (which if we're continuing the innuendo is a tad disturbing). They put the staff tree in front of the tabernacle to show everyone that "Yes God has actually chosen Aaron's descendants as priests." Seems a little sketch to me, but seriously, by this point I would not be arguing with Moses, ever. Of course the Israelites never learn this lesson.

Now that the Israelites are bombing through the wilderness again they have the same problems they did back in Exodus, they're running out of water. And after everything, after all of this, what is their reaction? I'm sure you can guess, where it should be: "Dear God, we're out of water could you please send us some more? P.S. we love you." No, it's the same fucking shit all over again, "AAAAAH we're out of water, we're going to die, Moses sucks!" So Moses and Aaron go to God and he says, "Go talk to that rock, and ask it to give you some water." Wait a second, water from the rock trick? Haven't they done that already? Yes, back in Exodus (17:1-7 to be exact), but hell the Israelites obviously don't remember it, so why not do the same trick twice? Now note God specifically tells them here to talk to the rock, that's important, because Moses gathers all the Israelites around the rock and screams, "You want water? Should I get you some from this rock?" Moses is such a fucking rock star, "Yeah," all the Israelites scream, hands and lighters (censers?) waving in the air. Moses smashes the rock with his magic staff and it explodes into a magic waterfall. Booya, the Israelites have water, and Moses played one of his classic numbers, which are way better than his over produced new shit (imho). But God isn't pleased, "Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them (20:12)."

Let me tell you, it took me four or five reads to understand what was going on here. It never specifically says that God is pissed because Moses disobeyed him in such a small way, it's just all the sudden he's pissed. But I thought you said to get water from the rock, and now you're angry that he did? I'm so confused, the only disparity I can find is that God tells Moses to talk to the rock, whereas Moses strikes the rock with his staff instead. Really? God is finally looking for a nonviolent approach, and Moses is like, "Psht, don't tell me how to get water from a fucking rock, that was one of my first tricks asshole." If I've learned anything about God from the Bible so far is that you better follow his directions to a fucking tee, if you're off by a single cubit he'll singe you with fire (or worse). Wait a minute, "You will not bring this community into the land I give them?" I thought you made that pretty clear earlier. Ah yes you did, "Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home, except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun (14:30)." There's no Moses or Aaron listed there, and that was about 6 chapters ago. So we already know Moses and Aaron aren't going to roll into Canaan, yet suddenly it's because they disobeyed you here? Whatever.

And so the people of God came to the border of Edom, hm Edom, that sounds familiar, have we met these folks before? Hang on ... OH, shit yes we have, the Edomites are the descendants of my boy Esau. That's fantastic, I always wondered what happened to Esau's line, the Israelites are the descendants of Jacob as you remember, I wish there was some book chronicling what happens to Esau's sons and stuff after he and Jacob make up. I'll have to ask my divinity school sister about that. Hell, these folks are practically kin, they should welcome the great great great great grandsons of Jacob with open arms right? Moses thinks so, and he sends a message to the king of Edom, let's call him Esau V, asking if they can pass through their land peacefully. See traveling through Edom it will save them a lot of time (Even though God wants them to wander for 40 whole years, but no matter). Esau V sends them a curt, "No thank you." So Moses sends them another message, "Hey, we just want to pass through, nothing else. Hell, we'll even pay for any water we take from wells." To which Esau V tells them to go fuck themselves, and just to make sure he gets the point across he sends his army to the border. I imagine a line of hairy red wilderness men in leather armor standing all stoic impeding the ragtag Israelites. Come on guys, Jacob and Esau made up, there's no reason to have bad blood anymore, can't we all be friends? Apparently not, and so the Israelites have to walk all the way around Edom. When I first read this I had no idea why the Israelites didn't just roll through Edom by force, I mean they're about to fuck up some other civilizations with extreme prejudice, so why puss out against Edom? I'm glad I looked it up, and I'm also glad the Israelites didn't steamroll their distant relatives. It also does my heart good to know that Esau's line is still kicking (albeit a bit dickish these days).

Shortly after this, while under the shadow of Mount Hor (heh Hor), Aaron isn't doing too well, he's old, and all this desert traveling isn't good for his health. "Moses," he pleads, "I'm not going to last long. Please help me up the mountain where I can die." So Moses and Aaron's son Eleazar carry him up the mountain. As a symbolic gesture Moses removes Aaron's high priest garments and puts them on Eleazar (the soon to be high priest). So Aaron, looking out at the wilderness, the wilderness he spent most of his life trekking through, having never seen the promised land, dies a simple lonely death on the top of a mountain. I'm kind of sad to see Aaron go, he's one of the guys I don't remember from my young sunday school days, Aaron was glossed over usually, and I can kind of understand why. Aaron does a lot of things that I thought Moses did, and it sort of complicates the story needlessly I'd say, but I like it, I like the godly brother team, Aaron the talker and Moses the fist talker. Two brothers in this crazy bloodline actually working together for once? I'll take that (and sure they clashed a couple of times, but what brothers don't from time to time). No, in sunday school Moses got the credit for most of Aaron's involvement, and to me, seeing these two guys work together is a clear symbol that things have changed since Genesis, these chosen people exemplify the passing down of the Law from God, and first and foremost they are the continuation of Joseph's words, "What you did was terrible, but God made it good." I think the people who had to enforce the Law had to first display that they were different from the bickering siblings in Genesis, and yeah the Israelites are still a piece of work, but yknow, a work in progress at least. I don't know, I might be reaching here (damn I say this a lot), but it's how I read it. Besides, Aaron was such a smooth talker that he created a brand new god immediately after the Ten Commandments were passed down and not only is he not punished, but he's made high priest. Yeah, I'll definitely miss this typically overshadowed guy. And so, "When the whole community learned that Aaron had died, the entire house of Israel mourned for him for thirty days (22:28)." It seems I'm not alone here.

The Smell of War:

As the Israelites are bombing along the outskirts of Edom's territory, the king of Arad hears of this ragtag team and thinks the same thing that the Amalekites did back in Exodus, that they should be an easy target. "Hell," he thinks, "they're a bunch of filthy nomads and we're this awesome kingdom with an organized army and stuff. I'll just send a team out to fuck their world up and they should be back by dinner," (Sorry these guys aren't British, but maybe I'll make them Irish in honor of St. Patty's day this week). So the soldiers bomb out screaming, "Aye, top o' the mornin to ya," and "Aye, Guinness," (yeah I didn't really think that one through), and also unlike the Amalekites, they're actually able to kill some folks and take away some captives before anyone knew what happened. This must have been during one of God's naps, or when Moses was still up on Mount Hor (heh Hor). So the Israelites make a vow to God, "If you deliver these people into our hands we will totally destroy their cities (21:2)," who of course gives them the big thumbs up in the sky. So off Israel goes to show Arad what's what, and with the Ark of the Covenant held aloft, the Levites (hopefully) roll into Arad and fuck everything up. So no biggie? Apparently not since this whole story was given a total of four sentences. Yeah no big deal, the Israelites waltz through and destroy a whole fucking kingdom, burn all their cities to the ground, kill everyone, and probably rape a few women and children while they're at it, and the writer of Numbers is all like "Yawn, let's get to some more counting."

Then after this massive, somehow yawn-worthy, victory the Israelites start bitching again. This is getting unbearable, you know what? I'm just going to quote some of the Bible so you can see for yourself that I'm not exaggerating any of this whining they do. This comes from 21:4-6

But the people grew impatient on the way; they spoke against God and against Moses, and said, "Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the desert? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!"
Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died.

Haha awesome, God just gave you miracle water from the rock, he gave you fucking manna everyday, and still you complain, even though you know every time you do you get punished like this. I've harped on this before, but Jesus Christ these fucktards are beyond hope. What I love about that above passage though, is how much things have changed since Exodus. God used to tell Moses, "I'm going to kill these assholes," and Moses would talk him down, there would be paragraphs between complaint and punishment. Now it's just like: Complain, Snakes! Anyway, the people come to Moses and beg, "Oh we sinned against God, save us Moses." Yeah, you just spoke against Moses, you always speak against Moses, and when God starts killing you off, you're suddenly all Team Moses? You know what Israelites? Go fuck yourselves, you better be glad I'm not Moses, because I would have killed you all by now. But Moses, somehow resisting the urge to bust skulls, builds a giant bronze snake, and if the Israelites looked at the snake they would be healed of their snake bites and live.

So, having been saved from complete destruction yet again, the Israelites continue on their meandering journey and come to the border of Moab. Moses sends a message to Sihon the king of Moab, "Dear Sihon, please let us pass through your land. We promise we'll be good, we wont drink from your wells or pass through your vineyards." Sihon though has heard about how these dirty little pussies turned away from Edom and he didn't want to look like a weakling to those hairy freaks, so Sihon tells the Israelites to get bent. The difference, of course, was that the Edomites were distant kin, the Moabites are just Godless dickless cannon fodder as far as the Israelites are concerned. Moses only sent that message to be polite, to him it's all the same. The Israelites are going to pass through Moab goddammit, whether they do so peacefully or destroy their cities along the way is completely up to Sihon, and it looks like he's chosen the "fucked up by the Israelites" option. So when Sihon and the Moabite army march out to meet the Israelites they're in for a complete surprise. You see, no army can defeat the army of God, and it has everything to do with the Ark, just look at it.

It's all shiny, I think that's it, it's gold and shiny and that desert sun reflects off of it and blinds the enemy army making them completely impotent, rubbing their eyes and such, while the Israelites are free to stab them in the face. Whatever it is that fuels the Israelites - God power, Ark power, Moses' magic power, kinky sex magic - they completely fuck the Moabites up. They take over the entire kingdom with little to no effort and they live there for a while. Then the Israelites start taking over other shit around them, if there's a Godless surrounding country then they fucking take them over, kill all their people, burn their cities, and rape their women and children, and all back in time for the Sabbath, God's super serious about that you know.

And so this malicious war party of God tears ass through the outskirts of Canaan looking for the shit. They take over Heshbon, Jazer, and Bashan, all portions of Moab I think. But unlike typical conquerors they don't give a shit about keeping these places. No, they just fuck up their shit, take it over, live there for a while, and then move onto the next place and do the exact same thing. And so this vicious community of God burns, pillages, and rapes its way to the eastern border of Canaan: the Jordan River, and on the other side is Jericho. This is their target, this is their promised land and they plan to take it. Moab was just target practice, Canaan is going to be fucked, the Canaanites will be driven out and the promised land will be theirs. Balak, a king settled in Jericho looks out across the Jordan and sees the Israelites camped there, he's heard of how they fucked up Arad and most of Moab and he's terrified. But he has an idea, there's this wizard who can turn the tide of wars with his blessings and/or curses. This man is named Balaam, and Balak sees this as his last hope (His Obi Wan Kenobi if you will). Perhaps Balaam can curse these filthy nomadic barbarians, perhaps the Jordan will finally stop the Israelites' sweeping death, perhaps Jericho will not fall.

Ha, you know better than that right? And with this I end Part 2. Who is this crazy old coot Balaam? How does the Israelites' tour of destruction end? Where is the sex I promised in Part 1? It's all in Part 3, Numbers saves the best for last I promise. Actually, it saves another census for last but hey you get what I mean right? Be on the lookout for Part 3 soonish. Until next time...

Maps, yummy yummy maps, click on the image to see it in blazing HD full resolution, it's actually pretty interesting.