The Book That God Wrote, 2 Samuel Part 1

I know, I know, it's been forever, sorry, but believe it or not I sometimes have more important things to do than update this awesome Bible blog. Actually, no, I take that back, I really don't, so I'm lazy, sue me. Anywho, welcome finally to the first part of the second part of the Book of Samuel. The first book of the Bible so good it got a sequel. Damn straight, just in time for Halloween too.

The War Between the States:

2 Samuel starts with a messenger coming to David to bring him the news that Saul killed himself on the battlefield, oh and that the love of his life, Jonathan, was slaughtered by a bunch of mermaid worshiping Philistines. To say David doesn't take it well is in the running for understatement of the year. First of all, this messenger makes the mistake of telling David that he's the one who killed Saul ... which is weird because 1 Samuel totally says that Saul kills himself, but suddenly this goofy Ammorite messenger is taking credit for stabbing the King of Israel? There you go, everyone that argues that the Bible doesn't contradict itself, well it just did, in a matter of like ten paragraphs. This isn't the first time it's ever done this either, but possibly the fastest turnaround I remember. Anyway, I prefer the story where Saul takes his own life, and this lying asshole gets murdered by David anyway, so yeah, like I said, he doesn't take the news very well. Apparently David doesn't like lying foreigners either.

Anyway, this is when David breaks down in a crying mournful mass and ... sings a song. Yeah no joke, didn't you know the Bible was a musical? It's like Glee over here, but with more stabbings and talking donkeys. Anyway, this is where David let's that "Jonathan your love was more wonderful than that of a woman's" line slip. Now I knew that David was a great musician and everything, but it turns out he's a fucking master. Seriously, he's just told that his main father figure and the love of his life were brutally slaughtered on the battlefield and he immediately breaks out a ten verse song. And actually, even with the translation from Hebrew to English this song is still better than most of the dumb shit they play on the radio these days. That's talent right there. Though I've got to wonder, who was he singing to? I have this funny image in my head of him calling some advisers in just so he can awkwardly sing a stream of consciousness song to them.

What rhymes with "Jonathan's sexy hot bod?"

Now if you thought that the death of Saul and his firstborn would clear everything up for David to just waltz into the palace and start redecorating, well you must have forgot about Saul's other sons. Yeah, Saul had other sons, specifically Ish-Bosheth, who seem hellbent on staying in power. I say that (er type that) because immediately after Saul's death a civil war breaks out between the House of Saul and David's guerrilla army. Saul's army is led by a man named Abner, and David's army is led by Joab. I bring this up only because there's some fun shenanigans that go on between these two. First of all, the two armies meet at a pond somewhere and Abner's all like "Hey David boys, let's have ourselves a boxing match." I'm assuming this is before the war breaks out, this Bible stuff is confusing when it comes to timelines, anyway Saul's men choose a few brawlers as does David's and they toss off their shoes and shirts (Rule 6) and pair up for the match. The only problem is that Saul's fighters bust out switchblades and stab the hell out of David's men. "Did I say boxing match?" screams Abner, "I meant Knife Fight Bitches! Muhahaha."

Yeah, so then all hell breaks loose, the two armies start fighting, with Abner laughing maniacally and Joab screaming all hardcore like this:

Now during this purely batshit battle, Asahel, Joab's brother that the Bible describes as "fleet-footed as a wild gazelle," sets his sights on Abner and charges. Abner's fun immediately stops when he sees this dude with crazy eyes making a bee-line for him through the fighting masses. So he shits himself and starts running for his life, and Asahel chases him, and this psycho chases Abner for like hours. At one point Abner even looks back at this dude running after him and calls to him, "Is that you Asahel?"
"Hells yes."
"Dude, stop chasing me, I wont kill you I swear, I'm starting to get winded here."
"Fuck you, I can run forever!"
So, knowing he has no other choice, "Abner thrust the butt of his spear into Asahel's stomach, and the spear came out through his back. He fell there and died on the spot (2:23)." Yes, this was written by a third grader. So, was Asahel just gazelling it up so fast that even the blunt side of a spear went through him? Or was he just especially squishy from breaking the sound barrier too many times? Guess we'll never know because he's dead now, leaving Abner to escape and Joab to swear vendetta against him. And you saw Joab's face earlier, you do not want that guy swearing anything against you, seriously.

Now a little later on in the war Abner switches sides, why would he do this? The answer to that is awesome, basically it's because Ish-Bo-whatever-the-hell-his-name-is accuses Abner of screwing one of Saul's concubines. First of all, Saul is dead, so doesn't that mean his concubines are fair game? Second, they're concubines, aren't they usually fair game anyway? I mean it was cool to throw one to a mob of horny ravenous homosexuals in Judges, so what's wrong with sharing a couple with your army's main man? Oh ... oh God, Ish-Bob wants them all for himself ... that's just ... dude, you're having sex with a woman that your dad slept with. Your dad's penis was in there first, that's just *gag* aw just, you should give those concubines away man *blurg* yuck. Anyway, Abner is pissed, "After all I've done for you, you accuse me of sleeping with a concubine? No one ever accuses me of sleeping with concubines. No one," and off he storms to David to make nice with the enemy.

Now if you remember, David is a pretty upstanding dude, no matter how many times Saul tried to skewer the kid with a spear, he still never wished any harm on the former king. In fact, David still loved the man like a father. Given this it may not be a surprise that David isn't happy with this civil war, and he still wishes no harm on Ish-Baby, and if he can find any peaceful way to end this dumb war he's going to utilize it. So David sees Abner's willingness to switch sides as a great way to bring this pointless feud to an end. Joab on the other hand is not so clear headed, and is not so willing to trust the asshole that stabbed his gazelle brother. So at the entrance of the city Joab calls to Abner, "Hey new buddy, let's talk about how much we hate the House of Saul."
"Alright, I'm new at this but-" *SWISH* *SQUISH* "-yelp!"
Yeah, that was the sound of Joab stabbing the shit out of Abner with his sword. Luckily the Bible's specific enough to say that Abner was stabbed in the stomach, thanks Bible, I was wondering about that.

David is not happy with Joab over this, in fact he puts on this whole show over it, "David said to Joab and all the people with him 'Tear your clothes and put on sack cloth and walk in mourning in front of Abner' ... They buried Abner in Hebron and the king wept aloud at Abner's tomb. All the people wept also. The king sang this lament for Abner (3:31-33)." Another song? Really? And dude, you barely even knew this guy, in fact like five minutes ago he was trying to kill your soldiers, and would've stabbed you if he got the chance. And you're writing a song - er I mean coming up with a song off of the top of your head for him? Also David curses Joab for killing this guy. I know David's trying to be an honorable upstanding kindof guy, but Joab seems to be the one dude here willing to do the only reasonable thing, yknow, not trusting the enemy's general when he suddenly switches sides for the dumbest reason ever. Killing him might've been a bit much, but still. I'm no psychologist, but I'm starting to think David isn't really taking the deaths of Saul and Jonathan very well.

Ugh, I'm bored with this war thing, can't we just move on already? Oh, yeah, seems there's two guys that feel the same way. See, there are these two shady dudes, both leaders of raiding bands, they decide that if Ish-Bobam dies then the war will pretty much be over. So the two raiders sneak into the palace while Ish-Brain is sleeping, stab him in the stomach, cut off his head, and then bounce without anyone noticing; that is until the maid comes in a couple hours later. First of all, I'm shocked that the new king of Israel, the son of the most paranoid man in the Bible, has such horrible security. Seriously, the shadiest dudes in the Old Testament (fuckin raiders) just strolled in and stabbed the dude with zero resistance. What the hell? Second, is everyone going to get stabbed in the stomach? Was this written by a third grader? (Yes). Anyway, these Creepy McCreepersons take Ish-Bolamb's head to David, I guess to take credit for the assassination and get some kind of reward? But, surprise, David is fucking pissed, he didn't want Ish-Bobo killed, he wanted to make nice with him somehow. He wanted a peaceful solution ... so he kills the two raiders ... yeah I know. To show that Ish-Box's blood isn't on his hands David kills the assassins responsible, what was that I said about David not taking certain losses very well? There you go.

Now, if I were a more cynical man, I would say that all this shows is that David has become a politician. It would be easy to read these stories and see them as David transforming from guerrilla warrior, hero of the people, into a backstabbing conniving politicking snake. First of all, Abner apparently switches sides, the main general of Ish-Bodan's army, and he's murdered in cold blood by David's highest general. Then he makes a big public spectacle over it, making it known that Joab acted alone. But how do we know that he did, maybe this was David's plan from the beginning and he hung Joab out to dry, or even Joab was in on the resulting spectable, doing the dirty work of the war so that David's reputation with the people isn't damaged. Then these two raiders suddenly get this idea to murder the king of Israel? And then they bring the head to David, I imagine his smarmy "I want to be friends with Ish-Ball," was pretty public, why would these guys do this? Raiders seems to be pretty happy with the chaos of war, why would they want it to stop? See, I don't know, this all seems kind of sketch, like maybe David hired these guys to bring Ish-Boo's head to him, and then when they did he had them publicly executed for it. Two birds, one stone, the opposing king and the leaders of two raiding bands in one stroke.

Don't get me wrong, I like David, I really do, but this is just something to think about I guess. I actually interpret his behavior as him dealing with his grief, there's no way he's not majorly depressed after the death of Jonathan. Yet, even the backstabbing politico stuff could easily be interpreted as a result of the same thing. So I hate to say it, but David may be becoming what he was chosen to be: the king of Israel, along with all the paranoia and shady dealings that eimplies. And you know how they say, "Power corrupts" right?

Bathsheba:

Speaking of corruption, did that get your attention? So as it turns out, killing Ish-Bosheth (I got it right this time!) does pretty much end the war, and allows David to stroll into the palace and change the curtains to a nice lavender shade. When asked about the curtains David would just mumble shyly about how they remind him of Jonathan's eyes ... yeah I don't know where that came from, sorry. Anyway, David's king now, king of all Israel, hooray. What now? I'll tell you what now, God comes down to him and lays down some for serious shit. Most of it is how aweome David is, and how he'll be God's poster boy, and probably the best king ever and all that. Anyway, in the middle of all this hyperbole God drops something really interesting, and I think I should share it.

When your days are over and you rest with your fathers, I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, who will come from your own body, and I will establish his kingdom. He is the one who will build a house for my Name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with the rod of men, with floggings inflicted by men. But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul, whom I removed from before you. Your house and your kingdom will endure forever before me; your throne will be established forever (7:12-16).

Many people see this as a prophecy about Jesus, who was a descendant of David. And I mean, even if you aren't one of these many people, if you know anything about Christianity it's pretty easy to see where this interpretation comes from. The only part I'm confused about is the "When he does wrong" part, I thought the whole point was that Jesus was perfect. So maybe this isn't about Jesus after all, maybe it's a prophecy about the Jesus beta test: Jebus. Anyway, I didn't have a point with this, just thought it was cool and worth sharing.

Hey, let's talk about Bathsheba now. Okay, so David's been king a little while at this point, and Israel's in the middle of a war. Probably those Philistines again, those tenacious fucking mermaid worshipers. Anyway, David's worn out, and frustrated, and all those other things that kings feel when their country's at war. So one morning he walks out on the roof of his palace to clear his head, and then sees another way he can clear his head (You'll get that in a bit). From his vantage he can see a beautiful woman bathing on her roof, and he can see everything (Get it yet?). Now she must have been seriously hot, like a hotness that would turn a gay man straight, because David is like, "Goddamn, I need to tap that ass like for serious." I know, I was shocked too, so he asks his attendants to bring the woman to him. "Hi," David says sheepishly after she's in his bedroom, "I'm David, the king of Israel."
"I know who you are, I'm Bathsheeba."
"Nice to meet you Bathsheeba, that's a really pretty name ... Um ... Would you like to bone?"
"I'd love to, but ... I thought you were ... Um ... You know ..."
"Oh ... not anymore."
"Righteous, let's do this."

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait ... just wait a goddamn minute ... So her name is Bathsheeba, and the first time David sees her is when she's in the bath? Was this written by a third grader? Is the Bible even trying anymore? I mean I know that coming up with names for characters is tough, especially when you have thousands to name and then just forget about a few pages later (Damn the Bible really is a lot like Lord of the Rings), but still, can't it spring something better than "Bathsheeba from the bath?"

Anyway, all the dirty sex David and Bathtub girl have comes back to haunt them when she learns that she's pregnant. What did you expect? David was able to hit Goliath between the eyes with a rock from a damn sling when he was like six. Do you ever think this dude misses? Not a chance, but as was talked about earlier, David cares a lot about his public image, and he can't have this one night stand fuck up his chances for being the best king ever. Now he would marry her, I mean why not? With the way things were back then, but she's already married. So David sends for Bathsheeba's husband to come back from the war and stay a few days. "So my king, why did you bring me back from the war?"
"Oh you know, I'd just like to hear about what's going on out there. Why don't you stay a few days. Here, go home to your wife, I bet you're chomping at the bit, am I right?
"No, it's cool, I'll stay here tonight."
"Wait, wha?"

Aha, I see what you're doing David, have the dude spend a few nights with the missus and then it'll look like the baby is his. I mean anyone that can count will know it's not, but people are usually polite and tend not to tell people crap like that. So yeah, the only problem is that this lame dude wont go home to his wife, in fact he insists on staying at the palace. I know it's nice at the palace and everything, but seriously dude, Wife. At home. You've been surrounded by a bunch of dudes for months, if not years, go fucking tap that shit. But nooo, he won't go home to perform his husbandly duties. God, no wonder Bathsheeba was so ready to jump David's bones, I mean besides the fact that he's the fucking king of Israel. She didn't get any when her husband was away, and she wasn't getting any when he was home either. So David does the only logical thing, he transfers this lame ass to the front lines hoping that he'll be massacred, and he is in practically no time. Immediately after this dude's death, David marries Bathsheeba, both salvaging his public image and scoring a hot new wife in one move.

Well David might have kept his public image untarnished, but God is pissed by what David did, and he's going to make the king pay. And I know what you're thinking, what could God do to put a damper on killing a lame weenie and stealing his hot wife? Killing her baby, that's what. That's right, God is going to kill Bathsheeba's child because of David's actions. Now God has done some sick shit in the Bible, killed plenty of Israelites for nothing more than whining, but this seems pretty serious to me. Hey Prolifers, I have a new target for you, his name is God. He's about to kill a fucking baby for something its parents did. This baby can't fend for itself, especially against God, get to it Prolifers, sick em. In all seriousness though, this is extremely fucked up, why not strike David with groin tumors or something, do you really have to kill a fucking unborn baby to make your point? I guess when the God you choose to worship made his mark by killing a bunch of children in Egypt, you should expect him to turn on you in the same way when you piss him off.

No matter what he did, David will be damned if he'll just let God kill his unborn child. So David starts praying, and fasting; for days he fasts and prays and sacrifices things. "God," he prays, "don't kill my child for my sins, take me. I'm the one at fault, I'm the one who should be hurt, I'm the one who should be punished. Don't take my child away, please. Don't take away another thing I love, take me. Please kill me God, please ..." After days cooped up alone in his chamber, David's servants cautiously enter. David is sprawled prostrate on the ground, clothes torn, and eyes bloodshot from tears. Just by seeing his servants David knows, somehow he knows, "He's dead isn't he."
"...Yes my king."
David rises with some difficulty, "Then I should go to Bathsheeba."
"Aren't you going to pray some more? Maybe God can bring him back."
"No," David sighs, defeated, "my child is dead, God has forsaken me. There's nothing I can do," and so he exits, head hung low, walking as if burdened with some invisible weight. He had to bury his child, God had taken so much for something so small. David has already lost so much, but an unborn child? It was too much, and I can't imagine David ever forgiving God for this. I know I wouldn't ... ever.

Unfortunately, this is the end of this post, but even more unfortunate because this is not the end of David's suffering. Tune in next time when we learn about David's other children, the one's God doesn't viciously murder. Until next time.