Halloween Classics I

Hi there, this Halloween I decided to watch a few classic horror movies. To me "classic" means anything from silent masterpieces like "Nosferatu" to more modern classics like "Last House on the Left." So really anything from like 1920 to 1980. Anyway, I thought I'd share some observations about what I watch, just 'cause, you probably haven't seen these movies. I mean unless you're this crazy cool film buff that likes watching Turner Classic movies all the time, if that's the case then kudos. Otherwise check in occasionally for my Halloween Movies series. The only rules are that they're movies I haven't seen before but have always wanted to, let's get to it then.

First up is 1954's "Them!" a movie about giant fucking ants. Yes, in other words it's about pure awesome. As you can expect, these ants are a result of radiation from the nuclear tests done in New Mexico nine or so years before the film was released. So how does it stack up to your typical radioactive huge monster type movies? Actually really well, first of all, if you didn't know this movie was about giant ants you would be scratching your head for the first 40 minutes or so wondering what the hell was going down. This is because the buildup to the ants is pretty damn brilliant, in fact this buildup at the beginning is my favorite part of the whole movie. Spoilers follow btw, not like you care, this movie's almost 50 years old.

See two cops are investigating some kind of disturbance out in the New Mexico desert. There they find a little girl walking around in a complete state of shock, she has this glazed zombie look, and she isn't responsive to any of their questions. The search plane then reports that there's an abandoned trailer nearby so they go to check it out. This trailer is completely ripped to shreds, there's traces of blood and some weird tracks right outside. The way they show that this girl came from the trailer is brilliant, and it exemplifies how much they've dumbed down films these days. One cop finds a broken piece of something in the trailer, he's not sure what it is, a few minutes later, when they're calling for the ambulance and the CSIs, the cop fits the piece onto the little girl's broken doll. No words are spoken, it even takes place in the background of the shot, I was curious if this girl came from here, and there it was, evidence. I was left to piece it together, I was allowed to use my brain, and even better, if you hadn't been paying attention, you would've missed it. Thank you "Them!" I don't see that enough anymore.

From here there's more strange reports, there's a general store that's completely demolished, with the owner dead and his rifle bent. The only common element at both scenes is the presence of sugar and a strange noise. The police force is stumped, but it turns out the trailer belonged to an off duty FBI agent, and so the FBI gets involved, and then the government, and suddenly two mysterious scientists show up to study what's going on. They're trying to keep their theory a secret, but from their conversations we overhear little clues as to what's actually going on, and finally, the big reveal.

This really is the best part of the movie, a slow curious buildup, more a who-done-it than a scifi horror flick at the beginning, and it really is pulled off well. In fact, I wish more movies would have the self control and confidence to keep things from the audience, and let us pick our brains on the problem, let us use our brains and be entertained. Is that too much to ask?

What else do I like about this movie? Well my favorite shot is when they're in helicopters trying to find the nest. At one point they find this big ass hole, it could be the opening to the nest, well we aren't left guessing for long as suddenly a giant ant pops out with a fucking rib cage in its mandibles. Yeah, a rib cage, which it spits down the hill where it joins a pile of other bones, and a gun and holster. Again, we're told visually that the missing cop we were wondering about ended up as ant food. It's not spoon fed to us, and if you were texting your bff Jill while watching this (shame on you) then you would've fucking missed it.

Also, I love that halfway through the movie it comes to a complete stop while all the characters watch a science film about ants. I'm dead serious, they just got done cleaning out the ants' nest, only to find that some queens had hatched and escaped. They have to tear ass scouring the earth for new ant colonies, but first they all sit down to watch one of those old ass films they show you in highschool about ants. And we see the entire thing, it's awesome, there isn't a filmmaker alive today with the balls to do that, unless it's a parody, and guys, I tell you, this was dead serious.

As should be expected, if you know me, I absolutely love the design of the ants. They're all furry, and I'm guessing they're puppets, but they're extremely well made. Despite how much I love the ants, it's still awesome to see them torched with a flamethrower, which happens a whole bunch in this movie, there's something very nostalgic about that image, black and white fire destroying giant furry ants. I miss seeing the creative ways they would do things before the use of computers, like puppets, claymation, camera tricks, and all that other creative stuff. There's even a shot where you see only the shadow on the wall of an approaching ant, and that's far more tense than actually seeing them all up ons.

If you can't tell, I really liked this movie, even with its flaws and weird intricacies it has bounds of charm and heart that many movies made completely inside computers don't even come close to. I also love how it hardly ever spoon feeds you, even with the main love interest of the FBI agent (there has to be one right), they never have that "Now we're an item scene," nor is it needed. They don't even kiss at the end, but you can tell they're going to bone like rabbits when it's all said and done. And this is all done through body language, the way they touch each other when given the chance, say on the shoulder or the back. It's done subtly and I appreciate not having to sit through an awkward, "Oh my God you're my own person brand of heroin," crap. It just works, it's obvious that they're hot for each other, and with just seeing the woman carefully touch the agent's shoulder after he's been wounded, you know everything you need to.

My verdict? Go see it, it's fun. It has furry ants torched with flamethrowers, what else do you want in a movie? Also it's refreshing to not be spoon fed every goddamned detail. It's on netflix instant, so what are you waiting for?