Halloween Classics II

Hi there, next up is 1932's "The Mummy" starring the one and only Boris Karloff. Now I know it's November, so I'm a little behind, next year I'll have this series as an October feature, one a week; but for this year, well I started it off on Halloween day, what else do you want? Anyway, how does "The Mummy" stack up after all these years? Read on to find out.

This movie was not what I was expecting at all. I'm sure you can guess what I was planning on seeing going into this: a woman screaming her ass off while a dude in gauze shambles slowly toward her. You know the scene, it's parodied all over the place. The dumb bimbo could get away if she just ran, an octogenarian could outrun the fucking mummy, but no, she just sits there screaming at it until either it eats her, or the man swoops in to save her. That was not in this movie, not even close actually. In fact if you've seen the 1999 remake starring George of the Jungle, then you pretty much know the plot of this Universal classic.

Some archeologists uncover a mummy, all decked out with signs of being mummified alive, and buried with some cursed objects. Of course they open everything, despite the warnings of a wise old Egyptian, and of course all hell breaks loose. The mummy shows up as some creepy looking dude who wants to reincarnate his long lost love in the form of a modern woman, who just happens to be the love interest of the main character. Meaning they all have to tear ass around Cairo (1930s style) doing everything in their power to stop the creature of this feature.

Here's my biggest problem with this movie, basically it breaks the main rule of monster movies. It shows all of its cards in the first fucking scene. You know the classic image of Boris Karloff all decked out in his mummy outfit?

Yeah, that one, that comes from the very first scene, and then you never fucking see it again, and yes, this really is disappointing. Where "Them!" built up for about 45 minutes to finally reveal the giant ants, "The Mummy" starts with Boris Karloff awakening from his sarcophagus in his badass mummy suit, and this mummy is powerful. So powerful that just seeing him drives one of the archeologists completely batshit crazy. In fact, this scene when the archeologist is laughing maniacally is one of the creepiest things in the movie. That laugh, that laugh will stick with you.

Then you never see the mummy suit again. It's a complete shame really, because the makeup work for it was really phenomenal. So what is in this movie instead of a shambling dude in gauze? Boris Karloff in a fucking fez.

Fezzes are cool.

That's right, he shows up later as the creepiest dude ever in a fez. Now, I thought this was just his disguise, like whenever he decided to terrorize people he'd turn back into his mummy form, but no such luck. He spends the remainder of the movie in a fez. Now don't get me wrong, this is Boris mother-fucking Karloff we're talking about, so even just him in a fez is totally unsettling, but I still can't help but feel a little cheated. It almost feels like someone made a bet with Karloff, "You think you're so scary, it's only makeup, I bet you wouldn't be scary with no makeup and wearing a fez."

You're on jackass.

Yeah, turns out he still is, and if this movie had been called something like "Boris Karloff in a Fez Still Scares the Shit Out of You," then I would've probably been happier with the result. Also, there's nothing wrong with seeing a non-mummified Karloff through the movie, and if the movie did the whole thing backwards, and we didn't actually see the mummy until the climax, I would have been 100% more satisfied. Now before you say it, I do know why there's only one scene with the mummy makeup. It took them 8 fucking hours to apply that makeup and then 2 hours to remove it. So they only did it once, and he was filming that first scene until like 2 am. Yeah, so I get it, I'm just sad it turned out that way, that's all.

Now I don't want to come off sounding like I hate "The Mummy," a goddamned Universal Classic, and I don't. It has all the charm and heart that these classics tend to have, and it is satisfying in other ways. For instance, this mummy is very effective, unlike the slow shambling guazemen of other movies. I mentioned the first thing he does is drive a dude completely fucking insane from the very sight of him. He also has this ability to kill people from wherever the fuck his hideout is. So he stops people's hearts all Darth Vader style when they're trying to fuck up his shit. Also he can mentally enslave anyone with Egyptian blood, which is cool when he gets this gigantic dude doing his dirty work (Actually the man is the same size as Karloff, so I don't know if it was actually necessary). Also, it's always great seeing Karloff talk shit to people. In fact, Karloff is just plain masterful, from the way he carries himself to the way he looks menacingly at the other characters. This dude was made to play classic villains, and even without a shit ton of makeup it's still obvious, and that is really cool to see.

Ah God, stop doing that.

So did I like it? Yeah, it was fun, and there's something instantly creepier about movies when they're in black and white and you hear nothing but that film grainy sound. I think as long as you know what to expect going into it you'll enjoy it. Unless you're one of those twits that doesn't like black and white movies because "Omg they're the boringest lol." If that's the case, then go fuck yourself. To finish off, I'll leave you with some lines from the movie that haven't exactly aged well, i.e. they're hilarious.

Archeologist: Look - the sacred spells which protect the soul in its journey to the underworld have been chipped off the coffin. So Imhotep was sentenced to death not only in this world, but in the next.
Assistant: Maybe he got too gay with the vestal virgins in the temple.

Haha, wait what? What kind of vestal virgins are you talking about? So maybe he was horribly put to death because he liked it like a suppository?

Hero: Oh, I know it seems absurd when we've known each other such a short time. But I'm serious.
Damsel: Don't you think I've had enough excitement for one evening, without the additional thrill of a strange man making love to me?

Haha, yeah right, he wishes. What kind of movie is this anyway?