The Book That God Wrote, 2 Samuel Part 2

Hey, I'm back, it's been a while I know. Yeah I cheated on the Bible with Horror Classics, what can I say. Horror Classics was hot ... and  ... well I'm back now. I don't think the Bible will ever trust me again. Anyway, let's end this stupid metaphor before it gets any worse shall we? Do things get any better for our main man David? I wish I could say yes, read on.

A Momentary Relapse:

Unfortunately dear readers, I also cheated on you last entry ... no wait, cheated you, I cheated you last entry. See, I left out a great little story involving David, and I can't believe I did, so why don't we go back a little and have a look see, shall we? Also, special thanks go out to my Mom for pointing this out when I was home for Thanksgiving. Nothing like coming home to a "Where the hell is my Nathan story?! Aargh!"
"Jeez Mom, I didn't even know you read this stupid thing."
Just kidding, she didn't say "hell." Anywho, let's get to it.

Remember last time how David boned Bathsheba like crazy, knocked her up, and then tried his damnedest to hide it by getting her husband to spend the night with her; and then sneakily had him killed? As we know, that didn't turn out well, God killed the living result of their hot adultery, and that's where we last left David. Between the murder of Bathsheba's husband and the death of her child is where we want to look today. See there's this prophet named Nathan, I think he might be related to Samuel in some way, but don't quote me on that. Anyway, David's all smug, thinking he got away with the perfect crime (forgetting that God sees everything apparently), that is until Nathan comes storming into his chamber pull of piss, vinegar, and God's judgment, ready to lay down the law. Now if you guessed that Nathan smacked David around a bit and told him that God was pissed enough to kill a baby, well you guessed wrong. No, Nathan sits David down and tells him a story. I love the Bible, always doing the shit you least expect. So what follows is my retelling of Nathan's story:

"So David, there were these two men, an insanely rich jackass and a totally poor little guy. The rich dude had tons of shit, tons of wives and money and sheep, millions of sheep. Where the poor man only had one sheep, a sheep that he loved, and raised, nursed from his own hands, and shared his food, his cup and even his bed with it (I know, wtf?). Well one day a traveler visits the rich dude, and instead of slaughtering one of his many millions of sheep, this prick strolls out to the poor man's house, takes his sheep and slaughters it for their meal."
"What?!" David screams, "That fucking asshole, he deserves to die, he must pay the man back 10 fold for what he did. No, there's no way he can pay back the poor man, that's just dispicable.
"Oho," Nathan smirks, "ready for the surprising twist? You're the rich man!"

Wait, um okay, first, David's the rich man, that makes sense I guess since being a King and all would make him rich. So that makes Bathsheba the sheep? And her husband the poor guy? And David slaughters the poor guy's sheep wife? I mean I guess I can interpret that as a sex euphemism, cause in the story the rich man does cook it and eat it, so yeah. But who's the traveler supposed to be? Well as Nathan explains it, "David, you had anything you wanted, money, camels, wives, concubines, and hell even boy toys for you if that's you're thing (We all know it is). If you wanted or needed more all you had do was ask, you're God's posterboy. But no, you sleep with a married woman, and then once she's pregnant you have her husband killed. That's why God's going to kill your and Bathsheba's baby, peace bitch."

Now just wait a damned minute here, sure what David did was pretty awful, but seriously? First of all, from what I could tell, Bethsheba's husband didn't care for her nearly as much as this poor dude did for his dumb little sheep. From the story it sounds like the poor man would've actually fucked his sheep before Bathsheba's husband even found his way home. David tried other means first, and sure, resorting to murder is despicable, but come on, Bathsheba's husband wasn't even close to sharing his food, cup, and bed with his wife, hell he wouldn't even go say "hi" when he was back from the war for a few days. That's true love right there. And yes, David should be punished for what he did, but killing his child? Possibly the one good thing to come out of this entire mess, and God murders him, the only blameless person in all this. Ah, I'm bitching about that again, sorry, I'm sure I did enough of that last time. Don't you all get tired of me whining about how unfair God is? Why do you keep reading this crap? Oh right, because I'm awesome, sorry, momentary relapse, let's continue shall we?

Brotherly Love:

So okay, things are bad for David, shit it seems like they've been bad since he killed Goliath, and does he ever get a break? Fuck no, things just keep getting worse for David and his family. Case in point, let's talk about Amnon. Amnon is one of David's sons and he really likes his half-sister Tamar ... and not like in the sense that he likes to call her up when he's feeling blue, or dish over a bottle of whiskey with her late at night, you know what normal siblings do. No, he likes her in that icky way, that dude from Gladiator way, you know, that wanting to fuck her brains out kinda way. Yeah ... I know ... aren't you glad you decided to read the "good" book? I know I am. So, Amnon, the son of David, spends his days pining over his goddamn half-sister, and this isn't just some weirdo thought that slips into his head every so often while he masturbates. No, he's consumed with this, it's driving him crazy, so help him God he has to bone his sister, he just has to.

That dude's name was Commodus ... seriously? Commodus?

As it turns out Amnon has a creepy uncle  (Don't we all? (well hopefully not this creepy)), and he catches wind of Amnon's creepy vibes. So he approaches him, "Amnon my dear nephew, what troubles you?"
"Oh creepy uncle, I can't tell you, it's too ... I just can't."
"Amnon, Amnon, you can tell me anything, I'm you're creepy uncle remember?"
"Well, see it's like this, my sister, Half-sister, yeah half-sister, that distinction matters you know ... I must ..."
"Must what? Have her banished? What?"
"No, I must have her."
"Oh ... oh," and instead of telling the kid to get a hold of himself, suggest counseling, or give him some logical advise (Hello? Get a concubine that looks just like her, you're royalty for christsake, or at least get a picture to wack off too. That's what us non royalty do), this creepy uncle gives Amnon a fucking plan to get his way. "Alright son, here's what you do: you act real sick and pitiful and say you want Tamar to come make you some food, then have her feed it to you, and kid lemme tell you, aint no woman can resist a sick ass man she's feeding soup to, not even family. Trust me, this'll work."

First of all, what the fuck? That is the dumbest fucking plan I've ever heard. Seriously? Pretend to be sick and have her feed you? Jesus man, no one's gonna consider jumping someone's bones when they're all sickly and gross, shit might be contagious. You want an infinitely better plan? Here: wine, cheese, and chocolate, and if you really wanna make damn sure you get some, start with champagne and upgrade that chocolate to dark. Sure it's the usual, but hey, it'll get you laid, and if you put some fucking Barry White on the stereo it might even work for your half-sister. Actually no, no it wont, unless she's just as fucked in the goddamned head as you are. But still, it's a better damn plan than pretend to be sick. Seriously, did a sixth grader write this? Second, not only is the plan you're giving him the worst ever, you're actually giving him a plan?! What the fuck? When your nephew tells you he wants to bone his sister you don't laugh a creepy laugh and tell him how. No you -- Oooh. Oh I get it, he wants to see this train wreck happen, he wants to see Amnon try to land Tamar with the worst seduction plan ever and fail miserably. I get it now, creepy uncle is actually bored rich complacent uncle that longs to see some drama in this family.

So naive gross little Amnon decides to try this shit out. He pretends to be sick, and says that he wants Tamar, and only Tamar, to cook him some soup and to feed it to him. So she shows up and tries to feed him, but Amnon refuses and kicks everyone out, except for her of course. "Tamar, my sweet sweet sister, come to my bedroom and feed me there, I want to eat from your hand." Okay ew, but Amnon must've really been laying it on think because Tamar agrees. When they enter the bedroom Amnon springs to life and grabs a hold of his sister. The dishes crash to the floor as Amnon wrestles her into a hold she can't escape from.
"Agh, Amnon, what the fuck?"
"Oh you know what, you know what."
 For a few minutes they went back and forth, Amnon physically keeping Tamar from escaping, begging for sex, and Tamar going through every reason why they shouldn't. The most obvious being: EW you're my brother, yuck. Until finally, tired of arguing, tired of waiting, Amnon wrestles his sister onto the bed and rapes her. "Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, 'Get up and get out (13:15).'"

Yeah ... I know. There isn't much to say is there? Kinda leaves you with a sick dirty feeling huh? Well what if I said that Amnon got what was coming to him? Would that help? I know, it doesn't fix what just happened, but it'll make you feel better when it happens, you'll see.

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold, Ice Cold:

You wanna know something about the Bible? It gives you a good glimpse of how completely horrible things were for women back in the day. When I hear people bitch and moan about how we need to get back to marriage the way the Bible intended, I really want to smash those people in the face ... with a fucking Bible, have you read this thing? Do you know what Biblical marriage was like? What it was like for women back then? Things were so bad that after Amnon rapes Tamar she begs him not to throw her out, she fucking begs him to marry her. Sound strange? Yeah, but here's the truth of the matter, here's how fucked up things were back then, that was her only option. See back then, if you were raped by your half-brother and thrown out into the street, well you were the one who was punished. Oh sure, the dude might have to pay a fine or something, or do some sortof bullshit offering, but the woman is shunned for the rest of her life. Yeah, the fucking victim of an awful violent crime is punished. Now, maybe she isn't officially punished, but socially she becomes an outcast, and no one will marry her after that, and if the raper doesn't pay the fee to her father and marry her then she's done for. Basically marriage is all your average woman had back then, and getting raped could straight up ruin it for you.

Is it sad that I just sighed to myself and thought "Nothing's changed." I mean sure, I'd like to think that if a woman were raped by her half-brother today that he'd be arrested and brought to justice. That she wouldn't become a social outcast, that she wouldn't be seen as damaged marrying goods from then on. I'd like to think that ... but woah is that a discussion for another day, one that would require whiskey and a late hour. I must just be in a defeatist mood right now. The Bible does that to you yknow?

So, as expected, Tamar becomes a social outcast, and locks herself away in Absalom's house. Now who is Absalom? Absalom is the badass motherfucker who doesn't take kindly to his creepy half-brother raping his sister. Amnon being royalty didn't even pay a fine, Absalom is going to make sure that changes, and the fine is going to be his life. Absalom is Tamar's full brother, and he promises her that he'll make that creepy little bitch pay, no matter what it costs him, he'll pay. So Absalom plots his revenge, patiently and methodically, he'll only get one shot, so it will have to be perfect. It takes him two years, two years of seething, two years of seeing his sister waste away in her room unable to make anything of her life because of some despicable little cretin's disgusting fetish. Two years seeing Amnon get away scot-free, free to hunt and drink and sleep with other beautiful women. Free to live while the woman he obsessed over, his own flesh and blood, rots away in misery. And most importantly, as we'll see later, two years of David, the supposedly fair and just king, doing nothing about it.

After two years though, Absalom finally decides to go through with his plan. He invites all of his brothers to a big feast at his camp out in the wilderness. So, they all enter his royal tent, leaving their personal guards outside, trusting Absalom's guards to be enough. First rule of paranoid royalty: never fucking do that. Then when the party's at its peak, while all of David's sons are drunk, singing, and watching half naked women luridly dancing around the table Absalom gives his men a signal and they descend upon Amnon, swords drawn and cut off his head, his arms, his legs,  and pretty much anything in the way of their swords when they swing. The tent becomes a whirlpool of complete bedlam, princes tumbling out of chairs, tripping over the table, tearing through the fabric of the tent trying to escape. But in the center of it all, seated at the head of the table, cooly sipping his wine, is Absalom. He smiles as he watches his cowardly brothers flee, as he watches his men slaughter Amnon. He knows he'll have to go into hiding, and will probably be on the run for a long time, if not the rest of his life, but he doesn't care. "That's for raping my sister," he says with a thin smile. After a few minutes his men begin preparing to burn the body and the tent and all the evidence, so Absalom slowly saunters from his tent into the night to begin his life on the lam.

And that ladies and gentlemen is that, for now. Absalom is a pretty big player in the days to come as you'll see. He's certainly jumped out of the gate as one of the most vengeful badass dudes in the Bible since Levi and Simeon. So, what happens to Absalom? And what becomes of him and David? Well, you'll just have to wait to find out, until next time.