Zach's Holiday Drinks or: How I Learned to Stop Being a Pansy and Drink Like a Cowboy

Hi there, how's your husband? Good, so I was planning and hoping to have the next Bible entry out the gate before xmas, well I don't think that's going to happen. Before January maybe, but I'm busy, you're busy, we're all busy, so we can all do without a 15+ paragraph entry until after the xmas festivities are over don't you think? Good, so today I want to talk to you about some good ole C₂H₅OH. What follows is a few of my few favorite drinks. Are they going to be xmas related? Ummm sure, why not? Am I going to tell you how to mix up fancy cocktails? Ummm, yknow what, no I'm not. If you want to make good cocktails just check out Esquire, seriously their recipes are pretty much standard. And if you want to make xmas themed drinks, just google "I'm a pansy and don't want to drink like a man*." Seriously, man up people. These drinks are for serious drinkers, cowboys, not you pansy ass cosmo drinkers.  These drinks wont require anything frilly or even a shaker, yeah these are for when you want a drink to put hair on your chest without having to do anything but measure and maybe stir. Here we go, they'll be listed by liquor.

We'll start with the whiskeys, my favorite of the liquors, I am a cowboy afterall.

Bourbon:
Fuck mixing anything with bourbon, unless it's July and you want a mint julip, but it's December so don't. Just buy a good bourbon and pour that shit in a glass and drink, yum. Fine, if you must, throw in some ice, and if you absolutely must, add a splash of water or club soda. But That's It! If you need anything more than that then just buy some Jack and mix it with coke, leave the good shit for the real cowboys.

Rye:
Zach's Manhattan: 2 parts rye, 1 part red vermouth, 2 dashes bitters, stir that shit in a glass and drink it neat. The manhattan is my favorite drink, and this is basically Esquire's recipe but it doesn't mess with shakers, or ice, or cherries or any other bullshit. If you want a standard manhattan look elsewhere, my manhattan is for those of us that love drinking things straight, but also like manhattans. You could also call this a warm ass manhattan.

Rye and Bitters: Dash some bitters in a glass, then pour some rye over it, it's like an old fashioned without the sugar and ice. I love the old fashioned, it's a badass drink, but I can never get the sugar and ice to play right. It's too complicated for me. So I took out the sugar and the ice, and turns out it's awesome.

Rye and Honey:  With cold weather comes colds and sore throats. This is what I call the Nashville remedy for sore throats, honey and whiskey. But it turns out when you mix honey with rye that it actually makes a pretty damn good drink. Pour some rye in a glass, get a spoonful of honey, and stir it into the rye, and keep stirring until it's all mixed in. Very good. Oh, and make sure you use local honey, that shit from china is basically just water and sugar.

Scotch:
Look, just drink this straight, if you have to add ice I guess that's ok. If you need any more than that, again I direct you to Jack and coke, yuck.

Now we'll move to some other liquors.

Vodka:
Just man up and drink this on the rocks already okay. Not really my favorite, kind of boring compared to things with actual flavor, but I'm told it's good on the rocks with food. So I'll be sure to do that sometime.

Gin:
Gin and Olives: For a great Martini recipe just go to Esquire. Here's as xmas as it gets, gin smells like xmas, so it's what I plan to drink xmas eve. Cold gin and olives, no, this isn't a martini, but that's fine, if all you want is cold gin and olives, then that's what you should ask for.  Gin should actually be cold, so stick that shit in the freezer, or yknow blow the dust off that shaker.

Rum:
Again, unless it's summer I feel like you should just buy some good rum and drink it straight, or on the rocks with a little lime. Rum is made out of sugar, seriously, why mix it with anything?

Tequila:
There are two ways to drink tequila, in margaritas or the good shit straight or on the rocks. Now in my opinion Margaritas are warm summer time drinks, and since it isn't summer anymore, well you better pour some of the good shit in that glass. Though I'm not the biggest fan of tequila, so you're really on your own with this one.

So there you go, merry xmas, that's my present to you: a little glimpse on how to drink like a cowboy. Remember, cowboys don't have shakers or ice, all they have is whiskey, guitars an badass hats.

*If you actually google that, the first entry you'll find is kinda scary, in a sad way.