The Book That God Wrote, 1 Chronicles

Hey everyone, this past week I read 1 Chronicles, and now I'm here to tell you wot I think (as the RPS chaps like to say) and what I learned (as the me chap likes to say). So another two-parter eh? Is this one as good as the others? What if I told you it was the others. Say wha? Read on to see what I mean.

So I know what you're thinking: "That Zach sure is a handsome-" ah fuck, not this tired joke again. Sorry, anyway, I know  what you're thinking about 1 Chronicles. We're right in the thick of our history lesson, Israel and Judah just got ganked up by Assyria and Babylon respectively. How many out there are expecting Chronicles to be their triumphant return to the promised land? You know, sort of like an "Exodus Part 2: This Time It's Personal,", where some badass prophet rises up all Moses style to shake off their new oppressors, but this time there's two oppressors. I mean, if I've learned anything from the early Batman movies is that doubling up villains is a perfect way to make a sequel, and I don't know, seems like a good way to go to finish off this last part of the trilogy of double books and make a good round of stories. Yeah if you thought this would be the case, then you're wrong ... dead wrong. Er, no sorry, just normal wrong, this isn't that big of a deal.

This picture makes no fucking sense!

Here's how 1 Chronicles begins, the title for the first chapter (Btw, these titles are added by the NIV translator/publisher guys as far as I know), "Historical Records From Adam to Abraham." Ah hell, are you kidding me? Nope! Chapter One, "Adam, Seth, Enosh, Kenan, Mahalalel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, Lamech, Noah (1:1-3)." Are you serious? After all this, after everything, we have to sit through another clip show of the entire Bible up to this point? Well not really, it cruises through all the names, gives a few blurbs here and there, and rockets up to David and retells his later life story. And by retell, I basically mean skims through all the good stuff and goes into excruciating detail about the boring stuff. You know, how many musicians he appointed in the temple, and not just how many, who they all were, and who there's grandfathers were, and blah blah blah. Ugh, it's Deuteronomy all over again. They even skip the part where David kicks Goliath's ass, possibly the most important thing he ever did, and it's not even mentioned here. So here we are, the story of David's life as told by the most boring accountant.

Wait, where are you going? Sure this is boring, so so boring, and I wouldn't recommend you read it (See the Samuels instead), but you don't think I'd let you down do you? I've scoured this book to try and find every ounce of humor and interest that I can (I use the word humor liberally here), just for you, just for your insane and insatiable pleasure. Plus this clip show thing gives me a chance to tell some of the stories I missed the first time through, where I was more concerned with the important stuff. Now I can focus on the stupid stuff, woohoo! And who doesn't like stupid stuff?

"I don't like stupid stuff."

Shut up accountant face! Nobody asked you.

Alright, so I'm often asked why I don't just skip books like this, or skip the name listing, and there's a couple reasons why I don't. One is pretty obvious, I said I'd read the whole Bible in its entirety and by God that's what I plan to do. Now don't get me wrong, when it just starts listing names I do sorta go into skim mode, I'm not going to mull over every name and wonder how you pronounce each one. But another reason I don't just skip these sections is because if I did, I'd miss brilliant things like this: "Ezer and Elead were killed ... Their father Ephraim mourned for them many days, and his relatives came to comfort him. Then he lay with his wife again, and she became pregnant and gave birth to a son (7:21-23)." Aw man, my sons are dead ... but hey, I know how to make more! I'll make a new son. And he'll be better than before. Better than all the sons in all the world. And hey, nothing like a little mourning sex eh? I love me some mourning sex ... oh wait ... no sorry. I thought we were talking about mooring sex ... I get so confused with all this similar sounding vocabulary.

Ladies, insist that your man use galvanized.

So, I did actually learn something about David in 1 Chronicles. See he gets this idea after he takes back the Ark of the Covenant. Now, I didn't know where the Ark was at this point, seeing as I haven't heard about it in forever. I think it might've just been chilling in some dude's house for a while. I don't know, anyway, David decides to bring it back to Jerusalem. So one day he looks out and sees that the Ark is just sitting under some tent while he's living in a badass palace. "This wont do," he thinks, "God has to live outside under a grimy tent while I live in this cushy palace? Not on my watch." So David sets out to design the best temple in the world ... all the way down to the satin curtains and the rugs, it's going to FABULOUS! Yeah, are people really going to argue that David isn't gay? He's mentally interior decorating over here, and saying "fabulous." Ah okay, I jest, I shouldn't stereotype, there are plenty of interior decorators, not to mention people who say "fabulous," that aren't gay. But David was. Anyway, moving on, he has the whole design and everything down to the most minute detail, super OCD God would be so proud.

Here's the sad part, God tells David that he's not allowed build this temple. Aww, but why? "You have shed much blood and have fought many wars. You are not to build a house for my Name, because you have shed much blood on the earth in my sight (22:8)." Wait, so God is suddenly anti-violence? Yeah apparently, David's not allowed to build God's temple because he's killed so many people, I always thought that would make him God's number one candidate, but nope. God's command is that Solomon will build the temple because his reign will be a peaceful reign. Now here's the really sad part, David spends the rest of his life obsessing over this temple, knowing he wont build it, he still spends his days pouring over designs and ordering all the supplies he'll need. He spends hours on his balcony looking out at the empty plot of land, imagining his greatest architectural accomplishment that he'll never see.

Damnit God, why do you have to be such a dick about this? Seriously, David lost the love of his life, lost the only father figure he had, who consequently spent his last years hunting David like a traitor. Then David had to live through at least three of his children being murdered involving horrible circumstances. Not to mention the newborn that was divinely murdered by your holy ass self. David has had a terrible time of things, and now you wont even let him do the one thing he wants to do in all the world? Can't you cut the guy a break, one fucking break before he dies a lonely and depressed old man? One break, just one, that's all I'm asking for, all David's asking for, and what's your response? "Oh your son will get to build the temple you want to build so badly. Oh and he'll have a peaceful awesome life that you wanted and deserved. I never said I was fair, but your descendents will number the stars. So there's that." Thanks a bunch asshole.

Want some more proof that David died sad and alone? There's a part of 1 Chronicles where they list off all of David's royal people, you know, like such and such was the royal gardener or whatever. So they're listing these people off, "Ezri son of Kelub was in charge of the field workers who farmed the land. Shimei the Ramathite was in charge of the vineyards (27:26-27)." So on and so forth, until they get down to: "Ahithophel was the king's counselor. Hushai the Arkite was the king's friend (27:33)." Man, that's just sad, he had to have an appointed friend?

"Alright listen up, here's your assignments: Dean, you're the royal butcher; Alakazam, you're the royal cook, Hushai, you're the king's royal friend."
"Wait, what do you mean I'm his friend?"
"You know, you're his friend, hang out with him, listen to him bitch, laugh at his jokes, that sort of shit."
"Yeah ... but wasn't Jonathan his 'friend?'"
"Alright, so maybe you'll have to take it up the butt every now and again. Look, the man's lonely, just close your eyes and think of the kingdom of God."

"Hey there sailor, looking for a friend?"

Good advice actually, hopefully that lightened the mood a bit. That's a good place to end, until next time dear readers. What?! Yep, that's about all there is to 1 Chronicles (Or at least all I want to say). Look forward to 2 Chronicles ... no really, look forward to it.