The Book That God Wrote, 2 Chronicles

Hey everyone, this past week I read 2 Chronicles, and now I'm here to tell you wot I think (as the RPS chaps like to say) and what I learned (as the me chap likes to say). So another two-parter eh? Is this one as good as the others? What if I told you it was the others. Say wha? Read on to see what I mean.

Woah, anyone else get deja vu? Yep, I just copied the intro of my last entry and pasted up in this one, changing only the number of the Chronicle. Why did I do this? Well because that intro is my least favorite part to write, and it's not like it fucking matters does it? Does anyone actually read the stupid intro blurb? Oh and then there's the real reason, because if the Bible can get away with this kind of crap, then there's no reason why a blog about the Bible can't get away with it too. Okay okay, I complain a lot about the Bible just copying and pasting ... but surely I'm exaggerating right? Surely it's not as bad as I say right? Well, let's just see. Here let me show you one of my patented side by side book comparisons and I'll let you decide. Here's a passage from 1 Kings about the temple that Solomon builds:

In the inner sanctuary he made a pair of cherubim of olive wood, each ten cubits high. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long, and the other wing five cubits—ten cubits from wing tip to wing tip. The second cherub also measured ten cubits, for the two cherubim were identical in size and shape. The height of each cherub was ten cubits. He placed the cherubim inside the innermost room of the temple, with their wings spread out. The wing of one cherub touched one wall, while the wing of the other touched the other wall, and their wings touched each other in the middle of the room. He overlaid the cherubim with gold. (1 Kings 6:23-28)

And here's a passage about the same little cherry guys from 2 Chronicles:

In the Most Holy Place he made a pair of sculptured cherubim and overlaid them with gold. The total wingspan of the cherubim was twenty cubits. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long and touched the temple wall, while its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the other cherub. Similarly one wing of the second cherub was five cubits long and touched the other temple wall, and its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the first cherub. The wings of these cherubim extended twenty cubits. They stood on their feet, facing the main hall. (3:10-13) 

So there you go. Okay, so not exactly a strict copy and paste, but really. When reading this a month or so later it does actually feel like I'm reading the same fucking thing over again, word for word. And feel is what matters here. Also, 2 Chronicles seems so intent on repeating things from the Bible that it even repeats itself not three sentences later. I get it TwoChron, the total wingspan was twenty cubits, I can add, also you told me that already. To be fair 1 Chronicles was bad about this too, what with it having a section titled "The Genealogy of Saul the Benjamite" in chapter 8, only to have a section titled "The Genealogy of Saul" a page later in chapter 9. But like I said last time, this repeating does let me relate some stories that I didn't get to last time.

For instance, there was this story about King Solomon that I didn't share in his 1 Kings entry, and it really ate me up that I didn't get to. So now I get to, hooray! Aren't you happy?

I'm not happy.

Shut up accountant face! Nobody asked you ... man, there's that deja vu again. So anyway, King Solomon is the wisest man this side of the Mediterranean, and news of his exploits travels far and wide. So, the Queen of Sheba decides to travel to Jerusalem, as the Bible puts it,  "to test him with hard questions (9:1)." Oh really now? So "she came to Solomon and talked with him about all she had on her mind. Solomon answered all her questions; nothing was too hard for him to explain to her. When the queen of Sheba saw the wisdom of Solomon ... she was overwhelmed (9:1-4)." Yeah boy, that's what I'm talking about, tell me more Bible. "King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba all she desired and asked for; he gave her more than she had brought to him (9:12)." Ooh Solomon, I love how you answer all my hard questions, you can philosophize with me any day ... wait, what are we talking about? Oh right, Solomon's sexy wisdom. Y'know, the more of the Bible I read, the more I think "wisdom" is some sort of weird innuendo. Or is that just me being immature again?

Now, do you have any hard questions for me?

Yeah yeah, but look, that's what you find when you do an image search for the Queen of Sheba okay, so take your weird nudity problems somewhere else. People were a lot more naked back then okay. Get over it already. Now where was I? Oh right, remember last time when I was complaining about how as wet Chronicles is about repeating shit, that they'll leave out the most important things? For example the whole David killing Goliath thing? Can you remember back that far? Is that a hard question? Well 2 Chronicles is at it just as bad, if not worse. Here's an example, King Ahab, remember him? The whiny pussy face? Yeah, so he calls up King Jehoshaphat to go to war against some other guys. Jehoshaphat agrees, provided they ask some prophets first, y'know, make sure God's down with it first. So, Ahab calls all his 400 prophets, and they're all like "Totally, go to war big man, everything's hunky doorey." Now you may remember, around this time there weren't that many prophets of God, but here Ahab has hundreds of dudes? Surely these aren't God's prophets.

Nope, no they're not, in fact, after a while Joshaphat is like "Ahab man, can we get a real prophet in here? You know, one that will tell us what the real God wants."
Ahab sighs and says, "There is still one man through whom we can inquire of the Lord, but I hate him (19:7)," Oh hell yes, you know what this means right? Oh, sorry Ahab, please continue, "He never prophesies anything good about me, but always bad (19:7)." Oh snap, I'm excited, my favorite character is back, yes yes yes. "He is Micaiah son of Imlah (19:7)." Yeah here we- what? Who the fuck is that? Where's Elijah? I've never heard of this Micaiah dude before ... Oh wait, sorry I'm being schooled by a Bible expert, seems Micaiah was mentioned in 1 Kings, in this same exact story ... well I'm glad I read 2 Chronicles then ... Hahaha no sorry, I can't even pretend that's true. But seriously, where the hell is Elijah? They pretty much skip over him this entire book, which is preposterous.

Seriously, if you asked me who the most important character in all of Kings was, I'd say Elijah with no hesitation. He's like Moses Mark 2, and he's only mentioned once in this damn book, a book that's supposedly a complete rehash of 1 and 2 Kings. What the hell is that? But I will say though, that his one appearance is pretty badass (of course it is). There's this wicked King of Judah (imagine that), and Elijah sends this cat a letter. Yeah, this guy isn't even good enough for Elijah's patented "Appear out of thin air and fuck your shit up" routine that I've talked so much about, nope he just sends him a letter. Here's but an exerpt of this brilliant little letter for you to enjoy:

You have also murdered your own brothers, members of your father’s house, men who were better than you. So now the Lord is about to strike your people, your sons, your wives and everything that is yours, with a heavy blow. You yourself will be very ill with a lingering disease of the bowels, until the disease causes your bowels to come out. (21:13-15)

Man, that sounds just awful ... can you imagine? I think just worrying about that shit for the rest of your life would be punishment enough, goddamn. *Sigh* I miss you Elijah.

So yeah, that's pretty much all there is to 2 Chronicles, I mean if you really want to learn what else happens in this book just go read 1 and 2 Kings, seriously, I can't see much of a difference really. Yes, it goes through the list of Kings (though only focused on Judah for some reason), all they did, yadda yadda. Hell, 2 Chronicles even does that "For the rest of things this dumb king did, the men he murdered, and the women he boned, are they not written in the annals of the Kings?" So, for the rest of my thoughts on 2 Chronicles, all of the Kings that ruled over Judah and stuff, including their abduction by the Babylonians, are they not already found in "The Book That God Wrote, 1 Kings" and "The Book That God Wrote, 2 Kings?"

Um, yes, I believe they are. But, there is one difference ... yeah, so I lied (Or wrote that above paragraph before finishing TwoChron, I know, shame on me). There is one extra ray of hope thrown in at the very end of 2 Chronicles, teasing us about the Israelites' freedom from the Babylonians. It says that in 70 years after their capture, when the Persians come to power that King Cyrus allows the exiled Hebrews to return home. In fact, he decrees that he will even build a temple in Jerusalem, that God even appointed him to build this temple. Wait, so what the fuck? David's not good enough to build your stupid temple, but this guy is?

Civ IV represent.

I just don't get you sometimes God. Anyway, this bit about Cyrus is exactly how the next book (Ezra) begins, so until next time, which may be a while, as I'm taking a couple of weeks off to recuperate after this Chronicles nightmare. Don't fret though, I'll be back before you know it, and I won't be phoning it in next time either. There's something to look forward to.