The Book That God Wrote, Proverbs

Hi everyone, how are you? I've spent the month of April with the born agains, and let me tell you, it was great. We spent all our time hanging out and having fun, y'know talking about how awesome Jesus and God are, and we were certainly not drinking, cursing, smoking, having premarital sex, or doing anything remotely fun. Actually no, it was horrible, after about 30 days I realized that, despite what what you might think, I love those things, I love them. But fortunately our monthly Bible study for April (meaning the entire month, as in all day every day) was on Proverbs, which wouldn't you know it, is the next book in this wonderful little series. So I'm back to tell you all about it.

Bam, how's that for a segue? Nailed it! Again, I am seriously on point lately. Anyway, remember how last time I said that you all pretty much know what Psalms is, even if you don't know dick about the Bible? Well the same is true for Proverbs. You all know what Proverbs is, it's just a bunch of "words of wisdom" type things from our main man Solo-man, er -mon, sorry. In fact those little green Bibles the Gideons give out only include Psalms and Proverbs from the Old Testament, so there's no excuse not to know what Proverbs is on at least some remote level. Tell me you've got one of those little green Bibles, seriously, those things are great, I have a pile of like 30 of them. I also find it telling that the Gideons only consider two books out of the entire O.T. worth sharing with the world. Though honestly most Christians will tell you that it's all about the Benjamins ... oh sorry no, it's all about the New Testament, you know, the shit about Je$u$. Damnit there I go again, all these slips. Anyway, they'll say that the O.T. is mainly just there for fun, whereas the N.T. is where it's at. God, does this mean I've wasted two years of my life? Pardon me while I silently weep.

Okay I'm back, weeping complete. So let's say you know nothing about Proverbs, or let's say you've only read what you're super religious facebook friend has posted as their status updates, what do you need to know about it? Well you already know all you need to, since I told you last paragraph that it's a bunch of "words of wisdom" from the dude who was considered the wisest of them all, whose claim to fame was tricking a dumb bitch into agreeing to cut a baby in half. Yep, King Solomon went and wrote himself a self help book ... no, not a self help book, something more like this:

A staple in bathrooms across the country, just like Proverbs.

Except Solomon doesn't require you to watch a sunrise twice a year. Though like most writers of self help books, about a third of the way through Proverbs you get the feeling that Solomon has started repeating himself just to pad out the length of the book. Let's see, how can I explain what I mean by this in terms you'll understand. Oh I know, Proverbs is like if you sat down with Yoda, and he started sharing all of his badass wisdom, talking the cool way he does. So you'd get the good stuff, "Do or do not, there is no try," and "Beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they." But then, partway through you'd start hearing things like, "Do or do not; the dark side of the Force are they," and you'd think, "Wait didn't he say that one already?" Nope, he's mixing and matching now, whether it makes sense or not, and that, my friends, is Proverbs, woo.

So now that we all know what Proverbs is, I guess it's time for me to tell you what my favorite Proverb is, and once again it only goes to show just how immature I am. In all seriousness I should not be analyzing the Bible in any serious respect, why are you reading this anyway? You know I'm just going to make sex jokes out of everything right? Like some kind of well spoken over educated 9th grader, right? Ooh, duh, sorry, I forgot my appeal for a second there, carry on. Anyway, my all time favorite Proverb is 5:18 and 19, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer -- may her breasts satisfy you always."

Probably your reaction.

Argh, go away meme picture, nobody asked you to be here. By the way, you're like a month late, why weren't you in the Psalms entry huh? You can never count on a meme picture, I swear. Anyway, I fucking knew I was onto something with the whole "fountain as a euphemism for penis" thing in Psalms. Because hey, if all my fountains are going to be inside someone, then it better be blessed huh? And let me just say, Solomon was totally on point with this one. I don't really know what he was on about with the deer, but the breast thing was awesome (As are most breast things), and I plan to live by that proverb, yessiree.

Now that that's out of the way, Proverbs can be basically broken down into three camps: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, or if not ugly then at least weird. Most proverbs are pretty good, but then some of them totally stand out to me as Good. For example: "For wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her (8:11)," "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise (10:19)," "He who guards his lips guards his life (13:3)," "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue (17:28)," "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions (18:2)," "Better is open rebuke than hidden love (27:5)," and "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy (31:8-9)."

There's more, but as you can see there's some good things said in Proverbs. I love how so many of the good words of wisdom in this book are basically saying "Don't talk so goddamn much idiot," that really does my heart good. Proverbs marks the gossipy person out as a horrible sinning dullard, and I love it for that. And yet, so many self proclaimed good Christians are gossipy little twat muffins, I guess they never read Proverbs huh? Apart from this, one of my favorite (serious) proverbs is the "Better is open rebuke than hidden love" one. I can actually see that in modern times applying to homosexual relationships, and I know what some of you are thinking: God why do you always go there? Because it's important you fucktards, that's why. And since I've found more in the Bible that supports the underdog, and love in all its forms, than I have anything against homosexual relationships, I feel it's worth mentioning whenever it comes up (even if it's only in my head).

Okay, now onto The Bad, let's goooo! (Sorry, I'll never do that again), "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (3:5)." Sorry that's just not possible, you know I'm a fucking doctor now right? Telling me not to lean on my own understanding, and faith alone? That's like telling a super born again Christian to actually agree with evolution (Notice I didn't use the word "believe"), it's just not going to happen. "He mocks the proud mockers (3:34)," so God mocks the mockers huh? So once again God gets away with doing what he doesn't want us doing. Ah, our good friend the "Do as I say not as I do" conundrum, guess that's just the special hell of the parent who smokes, drinks, curses and has premarital sex ... wait. Unmarrital sex? Adulterous relationships? Yeah that's the one. Did God ever have premarital sex, or adulterous relationships? That's an example of the fucked up questions that keep me up at night man. I do this so you don't have to.

Okay, moving right along with the bad proverbs, "A poor man’s field may produce abundant food, but injustice sweeps it away (13:23)." Man, how the hell is that even a word of wisdom? That's like getting a fortune cookie that says "Haha you're poor." Fuck you fortune cookie. And this isn't the only poor hate proverb, they're all over the place, here: "The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends (14:20)," "Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man’s friend deserts him (19:4)," "A poor man is shunned by all his relatives -- how much more do his friends avoid him! Though he pursues them with pleading, they are nowhere to be found (19:7), and "The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender (22:7)." Haha you're poor, seriously Proverbs, this is really surprising to me, especially considering how much of the Bible has been about social justice and helping the poor. A lot of these sound like those privileged white idiots you'll get in arguments with, you know the type, "Oh, see the poor are actually poor because they choose to be. Mainly because they're lazy assholes. And no I'm taking into account how easy my life has been because my parents are wealthy and educated, and they paid my way through college, just like their parents did for them. What does that have to do with anything?"

That's what Jesus has to say about your poor hating.

Oh wait, these were written by King Solomon, never mind, that's exactly what he was. In fact, that should be my new tagline: "The Book That God Wrote, comparing King Solomon to the privileged white doucebags you hate since 2010." For balance there are a few good proverbs about the poor, "He who is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward him for what he has done (19:17)," and "The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern (29:7)." Still, it seems heavily weighed in the other direction. So yeah, Solomon hated the poor, just like every rich and powerful person. Just goes to show how little things have changed huh? I will say though, that Proverb 22:7 "The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender," is so true, even today, but it isn't really useful is it? It's more just a stark statement of fact there to depress us all.

That's mainly it for The Bad, mostly just the hate on for the poor. Wow so Proverbs is mainly good huh? It wishes, now it's time for my favorite segment: The Ugly. Here's things that are just weird, don't make any sense at all, or haven't aged in any sort of graceful way. Bring it on: "Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life (6:25-26)."

And when the yeast rises, so do I. Hiyoo!

Reduced ... right. Alright, let's keep this train wreck a-roliin, "Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion (11:22)." Dear Solomon, I know that you had like 900 wives, so you should know this already, but in the future it will probably be in your best interest not to compare women to pigs, no matter how little discretion they have. In fact comparing women to any king of animal is probably a bad idea. Unless it's something cute, you know, like a hedgehog. You were already on thin ice with the deer breast thing, so let's not push it any further than a pig with a nose ring okay? Sincerely, Dr. Z. You want another? I have another, "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones (16:24)," you know, I was with you until the end there, I didn't know honey had any bone healing properties, that's amazing. You mean all this time we've been told to drink milk for healthy bones and we could have just been gorging on honey this entire time? Those mother fuckers are going to pay, I fucking love honey. Also, Solomon seems to be the expert on bones (With 900 wives he'd have to be, huck yuck yuck), here he is again "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones (17:22)." Solomon: wise king, ladies man, bone expert.

You want more? I've Got More! "He who winks with his eye is plotting perversity; he who purses his lips is bent on evil (16:30)." I ... what? You know The Book That God Wrote is a happy (sometimes angry) place, so I'm not even going to hit that one with some of the disturbing jokes swirling around in my head at the moment, just use your imagination. MORE! "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life (16:31)." Yeah, I don't think that's right. Mooar, "Better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than a fool in his folly (17:12)," You've obviously never met a bear have you? Those fuckers are terrifying, I don't think a fool will horribly maul you to death for crossing his path (Get it, "mooar?" Yeah I'm sorry). I know what you're thinking: I can't take anymore. Did I hear "More?" Yes! "Differing weights and differing measures -- the Lord detests them both (20:10)." You heard it here first folks, God hates the English System and fucking loves the Metric System. How else can you interpret that?

God loves puns too, just fyi.

Can you handle anymore? Can you? "The sluggard says, 'There is a lion outside!' or, 'I will be murdered in the streets!' (22:13)," actually those are reasonable fears, I don't see what the problem is. Psht that idiot is scared of lions, what a moron. It's not like lions can't kill you horribly and eat you or anything. Okay, one more, just one more, that's all I can handle, "If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it; if a man rolls a stone, it will roll back on him (26:27)." I ... um, like always? I've dug plenty of holes in my day, and have only fallen into like nine of them ... yeah okay good point, what was that other thing? Right, I haven't really rolled any stones that I know of, maybe I should ask these guys:

Oooh, right ... yeah touche Bible ... touche. Okay, I've gone on more than long enough now, really I have, but there's so much more I could share with you, especially in the Ugly pile. I recommend you actually read Proverbs and discover the others for yourself. Yeah you heard me right, Proverbs is one of the few books I recommend you actually read, the Gideons were on point with this one. I'll leave you with this final proverb  though, one that's good and appropriate for the end of this post. So actually one more: "Have I not written thirty sayings for you, sayings of counsel and knowledge (22:20)." Solomon, as wise as you were man, you sure as hell couldn't count.

The Book That God Wrote: Implying that Solomon can't count since 2009.