Welcome back to the book of 1 Samuel, where David finally stands toe to toe with a giant in pure underdog fashion. Here we start to see that "evil" spirit of the Lord start to work its mojo on poor Saul; and in the wake of this epic battle and the loss of Saul's sanity a budding romance starts to form, and it may not be exactly what you expect. Read on for the hair elevating action.
David and Goliath:
Here's a story no one's heard before, it's about a little guy named David who singlehandedly kills a giant with basically his bare hands (ok a rock actually), and so lets get to it now that I've (repeatedly) spoiled the ending, shall we? So the Israelites and the Philistines are at war, I know go figure, and they have themselves a little standoff in the Valley of Elah, with the Israelites positioned on one side and the Philistines positioned on the other. And every day the Philistine's champion Goliath walks out into the valley and calls out to the Israelites, "Hey God boys, are you scared of little ole me? Send your champion out to me and we'll see who triumphs," to which the only response is cowering Israelites in the hills. The Bible doesn't say whether he follows this up with a chuckle and a "Where's your messiah now?" but I like to think it's implied. So every day Goliath stomps out to the valley, challenges the Israelites, waits for their response, probably plays cards with his armor bearer, and stomps back to camp at the end of the day. What's the deal right? Why aren't the Israelites bombing down there to fuck this guy up? The one true God is on their side, surely they'll destroy that uncircumcised mermaid worshiping twit right?Well, two things, one: Goliath's challenge is that they have a one-on-one brawl that decides the entire fate of the war. Yeah, so if Goliath wins then the Philistines get to plow through and take Israel, and if the Israelite champion wins, then Israel gets to do the same thing. Man, the Philistines are really confident in this Goliath fellow, and no one in Israel's army really wants all that responsibility, I mean shit, if you lose you don't just get murdered in front of everyone (embarrassing), you lose the entire country for your pals. That's weighty shit. Also, number two: Goliath is a giant. Like a genuine fucking tall as all hell giant. Right, so it's one thing to bet your entire country on yourself against just a normal dude, but against a fucking giant? Not many people would do that, which is exactly what we see. No one in Israel's army has the balls to tangle with this monster.
That is, until David shows up on the scene. See David was out tending his sheep while this whole war thing was going on. I guess since Saul had to march out to Elah with his army he sent David back home, "War's no place for a little guy," that sort of thing. David's older brothers were there though, oh did I mention that David is the youngest brother in his family? And that God chose him to be the future king over all of his older brothers? Are you starting to see a pattern here? Anyway David's father loads him down with a bunch of treats for his older brothers and sends him on his way. When he gets there he drops the stuff off with the supplyman and wanders around the camp looking for his brothers and checking things out. Well hell, you know exactly what he did, a young boy just wondered onto a military camp, Lord knows I would've been eyes agape checking out all the spears and armor and other cool shit, and asking all the soldiers a million questions per minute ... oh and yknow looking for my brothers I guess. And it doesn't take long for him to hear about this Goliath fellow, "Wait, so if we kill him then what happens?"
"Saul says he'll reward the soldier handsomely, and the dirty Philistines will be lost."
"And why hasn't anyone tried yet?"
"Hah, he's a giant little guy, you think you could beat a giant?"
Unfortunately, before David can respond with something completely badass his oldest brother bombs onto the scene and shows off exactly how much of a dick he is. "What are you doing here you little brat? You're supposed to be at home looking after the sheep and dad," and he actually says, "I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only watch the battle (17:28)." Jesus dude, he's your fucking little brother, how bout you not be a total dick to him for no reason, especially after he just brought you a bunch of treats from home. Also, he's just a kid dude, a kid in a military camp, of course he's gonna want to explore, and from what I've read David has anything but a "wicked heart" (which dibs on that song title btw), so you're just being an asshole. Won't your face be red when the little guy's king and you're nothing but a line or two in the Bible acting like a dick. I love David's response though, he just ignores him and continues talking to the soldiers about Goliath, and somehow gets it into his head that he can beat this Goliath fellow. The way David sees it, with God on his side, he can destroy any Godless piece of shit, no matter how big he is. The guy worships a goddamned mermaid after all, how hard can it be to bring that kind of guy down?
So David storms into Saul's tent, "David," Saul says looking up from his battle map (which probably just has a huge doodle of a giant on it), "it's good to see you friend, what brings you here?"
"I want to battle that oversized uncircumcised asshole."
"David, you're just a little guy, I can't let you fight a giant."
"With God on my side how can I lose?"
"I can think of about five hundred ways, which is why I can't let you do it."
"Seriously, Saul, I've fought bears and lions while tending sheep, you think I'm scared of some dude that worships a mermaid? I don't car how big he his, I'll slit his throat just like a mangy lion."
"But ... but you're just a little guy."
And this goes on for a little while until David pulls the unbeatable, "Well, do you have a better idea? I'm all you've got Saul." And so Saul reluctantly gives in, he'll let David fight the giant, and put the entire fate of Israel in the hands of a boy.
"God help us all."
So Saul decides to dress David up in his own armor to protect the kid. It's the least he can do, sending a kid out to fight a gigantic brute, sending him out to his death no doubt, dressing him up in royal chainmail might just save his life. Hell it worked for this kid and that giant:
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| What do you mean that's not a kid? |
Of course, since David is just a little guy, Saul's armor doesn't fit him at all, and I imagine it's pretty comical watching him shamble around Saul's tent in hilariously large armor like a kid trying on new shoes in a shoe store. "Saul," David says from underneath a giant helmet, "I can't wear this, I can barely move. I know you're worried and all, but I'll be ok without it, I promise. At least then I'll be able to move." So again Saul relents and sends David out to the Valley of Elah to challenge the Philistine giant, without any armor or even a sword to protect himself with. I can see Saul standing at the outer rim of the valley, forlornly watching the child confidently march toward the towering brute, a brute no other man was willing to face. "If you let that boy be harmed," I can hear him mutter to God, "you'll see how close a mortal can get to slaying a god."
When Goliath sees David approach him he thinks its a joke, "Wait, you're Israel's champion? You're just a little guy, do you think I'm just a dog that can be run off with little sticks? I'll eat your bones for this jest." But it's no joke, and he soon learns that this David kid means serious fucking business, because sure he may just be a kid, but he can talk some epic shit like with the best of them. Let me show you, this is word for word what David calls back to the giant:
You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands. (19:45-47)I sure hope he took off his sunglasses all badass at some point during that, damn. Seriously, I love that, "You might have all this fancy bullshit, and you might be a million times taller and stronger than me, but I've got God bitch, secret weapon, and you're done for. Now bring it asshole."
Well this sure stirs Goliath up and he starts running at David screaming, and David starts running at him right back. I don't know about you, but if a giant started running at me and screaming, I'd probably fall into the fetal position and hope that it kills me before it rapes me, or yknow, run the other way at least. But no, David is one fearless kid, and resourceful too. See as he runs towards Goliath, he pulls a rock from his pocket, and with a few swings of his sling, sends it rocketing towards the giant's face, which, because of his size, is now a much bigger target than usual faces. The stone pelts Goliath right between the eyes with a meaty WACK and the giant tumbles to the ground in mid stride. And that, as they say, was that, in a matter of seconds a little kid was able to bring down a giant like it was nothing, with nothing but courage, a rock, a sling, and a bit of resourcefulness (and let's not forget the backing power of God). To me there is no greater story about the people of God, a genuine underdog tale, hell they even went overboard with the physical differences (a fucking child versus a giant?) and showed that brain can overcome brawn. With a little faith, resourcefulness, and playing things a little risky, an underdog can come out on top. "It is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves" indeed.
Now, to make sure the bastard is actually dead David takes Goliath's sword stabs him a few times with. Then he cuts off the bastard's head and raises it up all badass to the cheering masses. Damn, this David kid is a fucking natural huh? David'll never have trouble getting laid ever again. I mean this guy can actually use the "Hey did you know that I killed a giant? Yeah, I cut off his head ... speaking of giant head ..." I know, I know, weak, but hey, this is fucking David "I killed a goddamn giant when I was like six" son of Jesse, that would totally work for him. Anyway, this kid has gone from unknown youngest son of an unknown shepherd to a well respected household name in like fifteen seconds. If any kid deserved to hoisted onto the shoulders of a bunch of dudes screaming "Hip hip hooray" it was David, and I'm sure they would have, if yknow, they didn't have a bunch of pussy Philistine soldiers to chase after. "Where's your messiah now?" I can hear the Israelites screaming after the fleeing (and probably crying) Philistines.
As you can expect, David is immediately promoted to Badass War General, which is a rank that didn't exist until David made it absolutely necessary. And David's trouncing of the Philistines didn't end with Goliath either, no, in fact every single time he tangles with those uncircumcised mermaid worshipers, he carves them new pie holes ... for um death pies I guess. It seems everything David sets his mind to he completely kicks ass at, and it isn't long before David is the posterboy for the Israelites. It also isn't long before the cheers of, "Saul has saved us from the Philistines," switch to, "David has liberated us all, hooray David, we want to have David's babies," and etc etc. And as you can imagine, this starts to push Saul's buttons. He's friends with David, he likes the kid, but he's starting to realize that his country also likes the kid, and definitely more than they like their own king. And in Saul's twisting mind it wont be long before David realizes this, and he'll realize that it won't take much effort to overthrow Saul in a coup. Once David's childish innocence vanishes then Saul's days will be numbered. Yes, Saul is just being paranoid, which comes with being a king, not to mention what I theorized last time that he might very well be schizophrenic. This may not explain away any initial paranoid thoughts, but may very well explain his later behavior, which gets increasingly more insane as time goes on, as you'll see.
I don't think Saul is just paranoid though, I mean part of it is that, but surely he's also jealous of this kid. Think about it, Saul was the original underdog of God. He was hand picked by God to lead the Israelites from an unknown clan in the backwater shit tribe of the Benjamites. Saul was once God's chosen man, Samuel's friend, Saul was the one defeating Philistines and Amorites and it was Saul they were writing songs about. But now because of a simple mistake or two, basically some misunderstandings, Saul was no longer God's chosen dude, he was disgraced, and now the only songs written about Saul went like, "Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands (18:7)," which only rubbed it in more. Now Saul had to sit and watch while David, the younger, handsomer, and all around better kid, got all of the fame and glory that was once his. And I imagine it must have been heartbreaking in its own venomous way. Who hasn't seen this very thing come between friends? A fallingout originally fueled by pure jealousy over something completely menial. Jealousy is a powerful force for a normal person (one I fight with daily, and you're a lying sack of shit if you say you don't), but Saul is already suffering from an "evil spirit from the Lord," however you want to interpret that. With these two forces acting in tandem? How does he stand a chance?
With these powerful dark forces brewing underneath this warrior king, it can't be long before, during one of Saul's fits, while David plays his harp, that he'll grab his spear. "That rotten David," the spirit will jeer, "listen to how he mocks you with his music, lulling you into false security before he strikes. Kill him now before he gets the chance."
"No," Saul mutters in his fever dream, "David is my friend."
"He's only pretending to be your friend, mocking you, laughing at you behind your back. He'll take your life, just as he's taken your country's love. He's already stolen everything else from you ... everything you wanted ... everything you deserved. He even stole the love of your son." (We'll talk about that next time actually). "You cannot abide that, throw your spear ... it will all be over in a moment."
"No ... no ..."
"He deserves it, you can be great again Saul, you can be God's chosen again, with just a little risk, like the risk David took to overthrow you, you can be great again."
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| Ugh, this is my 2nd LOTR reference, sorry. |
And after days and days, and weeks, and possibly even years of this onslaught, Saul will finally crack, and he'll try to murder one of his best friends, and then, as they say, the shit will really hit the fan. But it's not all bad though, David might have caught Saul's jealous crazy paranoid eye, but he's also caught another eye. That would be Saul's son Jonathan. David and Jonathan have a fairly special relationship, after David kills Goliath, he and Jonathan become fast friends. And by "fast friends" I actually mean that they fall in love.
Wait what?!?! There's a gay relationship in the Bible? And it involves one of the most famous dudes from it? Well ... actually it's going to take a while to answer that one, but the quick answer: quite possibly. Cop out? Oh most definitely, but that'll have to do until next time when I finally divulge the details of David and Jonathan's relationship, and on the badass outcome of David and Saul's tumultuous feud. Things get awesome in 1 Samuel kids, and Goliath was just the beginning.
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