Welcome to the final part of the first part of Samuel. It seems I'm a little late getting this one out, over two weeks late in fact, but I couldn't help it. This may be the most important entry I've written for this series, there's a lot riding on it, and I had to make sure it was right. And that's not completely frivolous hyperbole there, I really do think this is the most important story of the Bible so far. Why is that? David might be gay! That's fucking why. If that didn't just blow your mind a little then you haven't been paying much attention to fundamentalist Christians have you? Anyway, here we learn what becomes of the two complicated relationships set up last time: the tumultuous one between David and Saul, and the tragically beautiful one between David and Jonathan. What happens to these lovers and haters? Read on to find out.
The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name:
So first, let's talk about David and Jonathan, I teased you last time by saying that they fall in love, and that's pretty much accurate. See Jonathan was a warring type guy, as we saw in Part 2 of 1 Samuel (Goddamn that looks awkward), and he knew who David was. But honestly he probably just thought he was a inconsequential little guy that was a good songwriter that really liked sheep, some kinda artsy kid. One of those mamby pamby liberal hippie types yknow, a likable enough kid, but nothing Jonathan would take much notice of. But when David stomped into Saul's tent and declared he would take on that huge asshole, Jonathan's interest was peaked. And when David killed a goddamned giant, with only the Biblical equivalent of Dennis the Menace's tool for mischief, well Jonathan came a little in his tunic. The grace of it, the speed, and the sheer brutality of the climax, it would be hard not to be a little turned on by that (Note to self: see a psychiatrist about this sentence), but for Jonathan this was more . He'd look back on this moment as the first time that he ever wanted to fuck a man ... er boy ... er nevermind.Okay okay, maybe I'm going a little too far with this a little too fast (I hear that all the time in b- wait that's none of your damn business), and there are holy rollers out there that would get red faced and start screaming and spitting all over me (which also happens all the time in b- wait) about how, "There are no fags in the Bible alright, Jonathan and David were just BFFs, stop implying otherwise, just stop it already! AAARGH!" Man what is wrong with me today? Anyway, these guys do have a point, they're proponents of what's called the "infallibility of the Bible" thingydo (an example of my infallible research skills), basically they believe that since Leviticus, and probably Dueteronomy, and various other books say that "fucking other dudes is totally an abomination," then there's no way chosen dudes of God (a la David) would ever break such a rule. Yes, I know that's a brutally terrible summary of what that bit of theology actually is, but basically hey, it's against the law so there's no way that people in the Bible would break it right? Right? Moses never murdered anyone right? Aaron never created a false idol right? Oh yeah ... Right, there's tons of God's people breaking God's laws, Ten Commandments even, but somehow butt sex is just too much for our delicate sensibilities, so people will only accept it in the Bible if it's accompanied with destroying an entire city (plus another one just for good measure) at the mere threat of it.
Ok, so what's making my gaydar blip regarding these two circumcised fellows. I haven't shared any scriptures that led me to believe that David and Jonathan were totally gaybones for each another. Well here you go: after the whole Goliath thing Jonathan takes David and "became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself (18:1)." They became one in spirit eh? I only know one way to become "one in spirit" with someone, and it involves penises and um ... well orifices ... or two orifices ... or two penises ... okay fuck it, let's just agree it requires being naked and move on. All kidding aside though, this isn't just one little verse that got translated wonkily, this is just the first one, there's many more, and don't worry I plan to share all of them with you. Next verse, "From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself (18:2-3)." He made a "covenant" huh? And this is twice that it's said that he loved David like himself. Next verse, "Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt (18:4)." Okay? So after David single-handedly kills a giant, Jonathan is so excited in his nethers that he takes David to his tent, puts on a little strip tease, and they make a covenant which includes becoming one in spirit? And there's people arguing that these two guys aren't having hot gay sex in the secret chambers of Saul's palace?
Alright, let's for a second agree that they aren't having sex, let's suppose this covenant they're making is just them playing a spirited board game.
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| Get it? Covenant ... yeah I'm sorry. |
So here's what I'm taking this enormously long walk to say: whether you want to believe that David and Jonathan's relationship was consummated physically or not, the fact is that the Bible says explicitly that they love each other, as themselves, and that's not something to just ignore. And it doesn't just say it twice, it says it again and again in various places. And to the holy rollers that argue that you can actually love a platonic friend as much as, say, your wife, I say that you're either a closet homosexual or you've never really been in love before. So why am I making such a big deal about this? It's a fair question, and mainly it's because the word "love" hasn't been used all that much in the Bible so far. I mean it get's thrown around haphazardly with "God loved his creations" and "You should love the Lord your God," and other such nonsense. But as far as the word being used to describe relationships? It actually hasn't been used all that often. Why? Well surely it's because marriage back then was just a form of property management, family alliance workings, and baby making politics. Seriously, it is fucking rare to hear that a character loves another in the Bible (Oh shit I used the word "characters" to describe Biblical figures, whoops). Off the top of my head, I can only think of a few instances where the word "love" is used. Issac in reference to Rebekah, "So she became his wife, and he loved her (Gen 24:67)," but both of them were all kinds of batshit crazy, and basically evil. Also she was just given to him as a "please forgive me for trying to stab you in the fucking face" offering from Abraham, so I'm not sure how much you can love someone who just shows up one day as your wife (though it's possible). Jacob loved Rachel, "Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel (Gen 29:17-18)," which turns out he was so in love with her that he still boned the shit out of her sister, his other wife, that he got tricked into marrying in the first place. And Samson loved both the crazy Philistine bitch and Delilah, but yeah Samson was a fucking moron who's only criteria was "Seriously bro, how hot is she?" (Which sounds like Jacob's criteria too).
There might be more, and there probably is, that I can't remember, if you recall any let me know. But not once, ever, has it said anything like "and he loved her as himself" ever! (At least not that I can remember at all) That's what I think is such a big goddamn deal. That's what makes David and Jonathan's relationship stand out, because at the very least, their friendship is the only good one and the only loving one I've read about in this terrible book. And this surprisingly unique loving relationship is between two dudes. There's something beautiful about that, and at the same time it's completely crazy. And yes, I'm willing to account for the fact that the "loved as himself" might just be a flair that the author of 1 Samuel really liked to use that the authors of Genesis--Ruth didn't, and I'm definitely leaving that open for discussion, but it still kinda feels like a copout. Now, regardless of whether or not there was any whoopsy-doopsy between David and Jonathan, it's still healthier than any other damn marriage in the Bible. This makes me seriously worried about the big mouths on the fundamentalist right that talk about not changing marriage, yknow by not allowing gay marriage because it perverts the Biblical form of marriage that God intended. Have you people actually read this fucking thing? Seriously, there isn't a single good marriage in this whole book (so far), and the only thing that even kindof resembles a healthy relationship between equal partners that love and respect each other is between two men. And I know I might be pushing some of your buttons here, and to that I say "GOOD," this demands your attention, don't just let the "infallibility" principle trump what I'm saying. Chew on this for a while, you owe yourself that.
If Your Quarry Goes to Ground, Leave No Ground to Go to:
So David and Jonathan spend their days taking long walks in the wilderness, making covenants with each other, killing Philistines and all the other mushy stuff young couples do. Ah to be young and in love again, I miss killing Philistines *sigh* ... remember everyone, the key to a healthy relationship is that you have to keep making covenants with each other. And you know, spice up your covenants from time to time with some role play or chains, have fun with your covenants. You'll be surprised at how a tiny change will drastically improve your covenants, you'll be back to killing Philistines in no time ... Er anyway, unfortunately, the good times for this cute couple were numbered by Saul's fragile mental state. Last time I mused that it would only be a matter of time before Saul finally cracked and it seems I was right (Of course I was, I read ahead duh). One day David's sitting there playing the harp, singing about Jonathan's lovely ass I imagine, and out of nowhere Saul grabs a spear and tries to stab the poor guy in the face. David easily dodges Saul's attacks because one of the side effects of losing your sanity is terrible aim (That is if H.P. Lovecraft videogames can be trusted). "Ah, Saul, what the fuck man?" David screams, "I'm your friend remember?" Which snaps Saul's sanity back into place, he drops his spear and weeps, "I'm so sorry, so sorry ..." he repeats until he cries himself into a fitful exhausted sleep in David's bewildered lap.I imagine the first time this happened it freaked the shit out of David, but he knew to expect the crazy from Saul, shit he was originally hired to music Saul out of his batshit spells. So no harm no foul, dude has his bad insane days. But then it keeps happening, Saul keeps trying to kill David, he's fueled by paranoid jealousy and that tenacious spirit of God (insanity), he's convinced that David's going to backstab him in his sleep and steal his kingdom. And every time Saul takes a crack at David, the poor kid has to talk the king down and remind him that they're actually friends. So after the fourth or fifth time David starts to really fear for his life, not just because Saul's randomly hurling spears at him, but because Saul isn't trying to kill anyone else during his batshit fits, just him. Realizing he can't stick around this crazy loose cannon much longer, David takes off and goes into hiding. Now this gets Saul going even more than before, "Why else would David disappear without warning?" Saul and his spirit think, "He's obviously planning a coup, his disappearance proves our suspicions once and for all." Yeah it couldn't be because you tried to stab the kid in the goddamn face every other day, that has nothing to do with why he bolted. Me? If I'm at work and my boss strolls in and tries to shishkabob me out of nowhere, well they'd never fucking see me again, and I'd call the cops. Saul you're lucky David stuck around as long as he did. You're also lucky he didn't call the cops.
In either case, Saul is now completely obsessed with hunting David down, where he once spent his days fighting his spirit's temptations, now he's wholeheartedly embraced that conniving devil's schemes. His every thought, and action, and being, is focused on that smug little giant killing asshole. David will die at Saul's hands, and it will be sweet. Finally his kingdom will be secure and he can rest. David on the other hand has a few things to do before he disappears completely, see first off he just kinda avoided Saul, went bombing around the wilderness and such. If he heard Saul was on his way to some city, well David made sure he wasn't there, I guess he wants to be completely sure before heading away forever. Also, David has some unfinished business to attend to, that is Jonathan. Plenty of people have issues with their partner's parents, but mostly they aren't trying to stab you at every turn, that would certainly complicate a relationship I'm sure. So once David is able to, he finds Jonathan in private and they have themselves a little fight, "The fuck Jonathan? Your dad is trying to kill me."
"What no, you know that's just his condition, he doesn't mean it, maybe you should just not be around him anymore during his fits."
"I wish that were the case, I'm starting to think the fits are becoming his permanent mood, I think I'll have to leave."
"No, here look, I'll go talk to him, this is probably just a big ole understanding you'll see" (Possibly cue makeup sex).
And so Jonathan goes to his father, "So, I was talking to David today-"
"You What?!" Saul screams, rabies-like spit flying from his mouth, "Where is he?"
"He's got it into his head that there's some bad blood between the two of you."
"Jonathan you fool, you fucking fool, David means to undermine us, to overthrow us. He would use you against me."
"Dad," Jonathan is finally starting to realize just how far gone his father really is, "What's wrong with you? David is our friend."
"He is no such thing, he would just as soon murder you in your sleep for your birthright, but don't worry I'm onto his tricky little game. I'm one step ahead of him, and I'll murder him before he can harm either of us, you wait and see."
"Dad," Jonathan whimpers out, fighting back tears, "I love him."
"Love somebody else you pathetic weakling, I will crush his bones, I will tear his flesh, I will kill the boy who slew the giant, and then I will be loved again, I will be Israel's hero-"
Jonathan storms out in the middle of Saul's cacophonous screams and maniacal laughter. His father is long gone, as far as David is concerned. Jonathan now has a tough choice to make. Does he side with his father and hold onto his birthright, his right to rule Israel in just a few more years, or does he side with David, the man he loves more than himself? A tough choice, possibly an obvious one to us looking in from outside, but to Jonathan he's having to choose between family and love, there's no choice that will feel ok to him, no happy endings for Jonathan in this story.
Of course Jonathan chooses David, he loves David as himself, he loves David so much that he willingly gives up his right to the throne. "What good is ruling Israel if David is dead?" I can imagine Jonathan musing over a class of scotch on the palace's ramparts. So, Jonathan goes to David's secret hiding place and confirms his fears: that David was right and that he must go into hiding. Then, "David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together -- but David wept the most (20:41)." Jonathan tells David that he loves him, and that he gives up his birthright if that's what it takes, that not Saul, nor ruling Israel, nor the whole goddamn universe would come between their friendship. "Go in peace," Jonathan says with one final kiss on David's forehead, "for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever (20:42).'" "Then David left, and Jonathan went back to town (20:42)," a poignantly abrupt ending, as most goodbyes tend to be, and the two never saw each other again.
Conversations With Dead People:
The first stop David makes on his run from the law is to a priest in the city of Nob, he tells the priest that he's on a secret mission for Saul, and that he needs food and weapons, of course David is loved throughout Israel, and I suppose Saul hasn't made his insane vendetta public just yet, so the priest helps him without reservation, "Oi David, mozoltov, have some matza. We don't have any weapons though, except for that goy Goliath's sword, you can have that if you want." That's right folks, on David's first stop on the lam he swings by to pick up the one and only Sword of Goliath, the fucking sword of a giant.  |
| David might've been gay, but he was not this kind of gay. |
Things may seem dire for David, his greatest allies aren't able to help him, what with Jonathan having to lay low at Saul's side, and Samuel having died years before, but it's not all lost for the giant slayer. There are a number of people loyal to David, the people of Israel have loved David since he put a stone between the eyes of a giant, it will take some serious convincing for them to turn on him for Saul. Furthermore, the soldiers that fought under David's command are completely loyal to him, and it doesn't take him long to amass a fairly sizable army. That's right folks, David forms an underground guerrilla hardass force that tears ass through the wilderness looking for the shit. So while evading Saul, David's army raids Philistines, Amorites, Jebusites, and pretty much any Ite that gets in their fucking way. "It's like we're really making a difference," says one of David's soldiers, "in Saul's army there was so much red tape and bureaucracy that you were practically drowning in it, but not with David. If we hear there's some Philistines stationed somewhere we just pick up and raid the shit out of them, no blabbing about political tensions or other bullshit."
This did not please Saul of course, his every thought was now directed towards the capture of David, much to the detriment of Israel (but we'll get to that), and now that he was out causing havoc in the Godless wilderness, well that was only making Saul look worse. He has the priests of Nob come to the palace after that narc Doeg tells him about how David passed through there. "What's this I hear about you giving Goliath's sword to David? Why didn't you capture him and bring him to me?"
"Oi vey, he's your closest servant, how were we supposed to know he was wanted if you weren't telling anyone? What are we mind readers?"
Saul is so far gone now that even this blatantly obvious logic is lost on him. "You'll pay for this you fools," and he orders his guards to kill them. Well his guards aren't touching that one with a fucking ten foot pole, there's no way they're killing priests. Unperturbed Saul orders Doeg to do it, to which he unsheathes his dagger with a nasty grin and slaughters the men of God. "Let it be known," Saul says in a maniacal cackle, "whether man or beast or God, if you side with David I will have you struck down like the traitorous wretch you are," (That's my own flourish just so you know). If anyone wasn't 100% sure that Saul had completely lost it, well there you go. He was once entirely crestfallen over losing God's favor, he would have done anything to get it back. Now he's just killing priests, basically spitting in the face of God, not a smart move. Though I imagine it's easy to get bitter when one mistake will lose you God's favor permanently (Especially when it's quite possible you were chosen intentionally because you would lose that favor), it's easy to get discouraged over that, but still, priests man? You've completely lost it now.
So Saul assembles his army and pursues David relentlessly, and from here it's a cat and mouse game between the two forces. Saul trying with all his might to root out David's guerrilla force, and David trying his damnest to allude Saul. One day Saul and his army stomp into a town, they're about to get their first break in a long time. "Oh David? Sure I've seen him," some random Israelite tells his men, "he's up north hiding in the mountains like a goddamned terrorist." And off they go to the north where David and his men are hiding and they search and search and search. Well with all this searching all day long, a man's gotta pee at some point right? Right, and so Saul breaks away from his men and goes to take a leak in a cave. I am so not making this shit up, look at 24:3. Hey Saul, I know you're completely batshit crazy and everything now, but do you know where a perfect place for a group of guys to hide is? How about a fucking cave? Hey guess what, David and his men are hiding in the cave, there's a fucking surprise. Oh and they see Saul taking his leak who just happens to not notice them (they're guerrillas remember, and he's concentrating on ... other things). Now apparently David is a fucking ninja too, because he sneaks up to Saul while he's taking a piss and he cuts off a piece of Saul's robe with his knife. Haha you thought I was going to say "Cut off his penis," didn't you? I mean I can't blame you, it's not uncommon for that kind of shit to happen in the Bible, so it's understandable. Anyway, either David is the fastest, quietest, ninja of all time, or Saul hadn't pissed in like four days 'cause man, that shit's badass.
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| Fuckin right. |
So David waits until Saul finishes and makes it out a ways from the cave. Then he stands all badass at the mouth of the cave, raises the cloth high above his head, and shouts, "Hey Saul, missing something? I could've just killed you like it was nothing, but I didn't. If I wanted you dead I could've easily killed you a number of times before now, but I haven't. Saul I'm your servant, I love you as a father, please do not continue this vendetta against me, for it will destroy you."
Well Saul is overcome, he falls on his face and apologizes profusely, "David, what have I done? I'm so sorry, you're the only one who's always stood by me, even when I was trying to kill you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, for you are a far greater man than I, go in peace. I will pursue you no longer."
So David had the perfect opportunity to kill Saul, to end all this madness, and to sweep in and claim the throne of Israel in time for a bacon free dinner, but he doesn't. This is important to me, Saul has done nothing but try to kill David for the last third or fourth of this book, and when given the chance David spares his life. David truly is the better man, but we knew that already. I'd like to say that this was the end of it, that Saul learned his lesson and went home, but no, it wasn't long before his paranoid machinations started up again. "That was just another Ruse you fool, he just wants you good and complacently trusting him before he makes his final strike." And in no time, Saul and his army are back on the warpath pursuing David. Now being humbled like a bitch once by David must have been embarrassing, but to be schooled twice by the guy, well that must be just unbearable. And that's exactly what happens, but this time David and his men actually sneak down into Saul's camp while they're sleeping and steal his shit. Then when they get far enough away David does basically what he did the last time. "Hey Saul, are you missing something?" And just like last time, Saul gets all apologetic and promises to leave David alone. So twice, twice, David has spared Saul's life, and he did it in the most badass ways possible, and yet Saul still just takes a week off before devoting his entire attention to rooting out the little brat again.
Hey can you guess what happens when you spend all your time being crazy and practicing your paranoid tunnel vision? If you guessed "get invaded by heathens," then you're totally right. The Philistines catch wind of Saul's crazy, they start to hear rumors that Saul's forces are completely focused on fucking up David's shit, infighting, chaos, and they think this is the perfect time to strike. Suddenly Saul looks up from the David hunt and realizes that the Philistines have massed on his doorstep and he's completely unprepared. This is such a classic story, in his obsession he failed to see what the real threat to his kingdom was, the threat David himself was doing his part to fight, and Saul had only been getting in the way of. And so, "Saul gathered all the Israelites and set up camp at Gilboa. When Saul saw the Philistine army, he was afraid; terror filled his heart. He inquired of the Lord, but the Lord did not answer him (28:4-6)," Oh really? I wonder why? It could be because you killed some of his priests, or maybe because you keep trying to kill God's posterboy. Since God wont help him, Saul knows what he has to do, he'll get counsel from an old friend, and he'll do it in the only way left, and so he sets out to find a witch.
If you didn't know, witchcraft is totally against God's laws, it's mentioned numerous times in Leviticus and the other law books. Witches get put to death, conjuring spirits is against the law, pretty much Gandalf and Samantha Stephens would've been brutally murdered if they ever strolled into Israel. Saul has been pretty strict with this law too, so in order to find a witch he has to disguise himself and go underground, and through various contacts and from some dark doorway off of Knockturn Alley he's directed to the Witch of Endor:
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| Wait, wrong Endor. |
"I want you to raise someone for me?"
"What spirit shall I raise for you?"
Saul swallows hard, he's done some awful things on his path here, is it worth taking this final step? Necromancy? He steels his resolve, he wants to make up for what he's done, his entire army shouldn't fall to the Philistines because of his mistakes. "I want you to raise Samuel."
Fucking hell, shit just got real in the Bible folks. Saul has just hired a witch to raise Samuel's spirit from the dead. Conversations with dead people, my God, I did not expect that. It seems that Saul will now go to any length to save his people, in one last damning ditch effort. It's almost commendable, if yknow, it didn't involve the dark arts. Also it doesn't do any good I'm afraid, besides being pissed off to all hell, Samuel basically tells Saul that he and his army are doomed: "The Lord will hand over both Israel and you to the Philistines, and tomorrow you and your sons will be with me (28:19)." Which is some cold shit. So Saul, with his head hung low, returns to camp and waits for the end to come. I like to think that now he understands, I like to think that God's "evil spirit" left him for his final hours. I like to think he had a few moments of peace the night before his death, the first bit of peace he's had in years. No more voices in his head, no more paranoid theories bouncing through his brain, just silence, peace. Finally, some peace.
The battle goes just as Samuel predicted, it's a massacre, and I'd like to say that David and his army crest the hill at the last minute during Saul's final stand to save the day (a la Lord of the Rings, or hell any movie). But that doesn't happen. David is caught up with some Amelikites (he did try to trick the Philistines and attack them from the rear, but it didn't pan out). No, Saul has to watch while Jonathan is murdered by a horde of Philistines. He has to watch as his men, good men, are slaughtered because of his own folly. It isn't long before Saul and his personal force are surrounded, he knows it isn't long now. There's arrows lodged in him that have his servants worried, but he's not concerned. He's heard what these brutes do to captured leaders, and he won't give them the satisfaction. He unsheathes his sword. Saul has only one concern, he wishes he could live one day longer, just to make it up to David somehow, just to show him that he's truly sorry. He really was at the end, now that the spirit had left him, now that he could finally think. He wishes he could let David know, but he thinks that David already does somehow. That if he survived he'd be welcomed with David's open arms, despite not deserving it. This thought, whether true or not, comforts Saul as he plunges the sword deep inside his chest.
And that, friends, is the end of 1 Samuel, with the death of Jonathan and Saul taking his own life. What a fucking ending, brilliant. But there's still so much to talk about. Way more than I can talk about here. For instance, do I actually think David was gay? And why? I've only barely touched on that subject. 1 Samuel could be my favorite book of the Bible so far, which is saying a whole lot because Genesis is a hard one to dethrone. Expect a "What I Learned" soon. There's still a lot left to talk about. Until then fellow travelers, until then.
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