The Book That God Wrote, 2 Samuel Part 3

Hey, so looks like I'm back sooner that I expected. Guess I must have stolen a bit of free time. When we last left David things weren't looking great. His family was kinda falling apart, actually, no, it had become a complete disaster. David's son had raped his own half-sister and sent her off into outcast, and her brother decided to get even. This is about as fucked up as families get in the Bible (and that's saying something). And let me tell you, I'd love to say that everything get's better for the old giant slayer, I really wish I could, I've been rooting for the guy. But, well let me just tell you, read on.

Of Fathers and Their Sons Estranged:

So after Absalom murders his sister raping brother he takes off into hiding, I guess thinking he'd be hunted by David's men. It makes sense, there are laws in this  kingdom (though raping your sister into exile apparently isn't against them), and David didn't do anything about Amnon for two years, so surely the old man had a soft spot for the creepy bastard. Except not, as it seems, according to the Bible, "Absalom fled and went to Geshur, he stayed there three years. And the spirit of the king longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon's death (13:19)." That's right kids, despite the fact that David didn't do shit about Amnon for two years, he was happy that the little shit bit it the way he did. Absalom doesn't know this though, if only David would've reached out to his son sooner, well you'll see. And what the hell David? What has happened to you? You were once so badass, and now you just sit by and let your son rape your goddamned daughter, and for two years you don't do shit, and then after Absalom get's the balls to murder the piece of shit now you're "consoled concerning his death?" Are you that defeated now? *Sigh* the short answer of course is "Yes," but let's keep going.

Now, David's right hand man Joab - wait Joab? Who's that again? Let me go read an older entry, hold on ... Oh right, David's armies were led by Joab when they were fighting the House of Saul, he ended the war by killing the enemy general, even though David didn't want it. Man it's been a long time since I've done this, sorry. Anyway, Joab knows David misses his son, knows that what Absalom did was considered just, but there's that whole God's law thing in the way. So Joab devises a plan, he orders up a wise woman from somewhere, I guess you could order those back then. From what I see these days, I can only ever order dumb ass girls with fake parts ... ahem. Anyway, He calls this lady up and tells her to dress up in all black and act like she's been in mourning. "Don't put on any makeup or lotion or anything," he tells her, "I don't want you looking like a whore, I want you looking like you've been crying for about a month." Then he made her memorize some lines and sent her into David's throne room.

Then in David's throne room she makes up some story ... no sorry, she tells a story that Joab made up, and pretends like it really happened to her. Anyway, it's some story about how her husband recently died, and if that wasn't bad enough, one day her sons get in a fight and one kills the other. Omygosh, and now the one son is in hiding, and the rest of her tribe or village is ready for blood, and you can guess the rest. David truly is a sucker for metaphorical stories based on his own life. Apparently, if you want to make a point to David, you just tell a similar story with different words. Replace the words "other dude's wife" with "little sheep," the words "your son" with "my son," and you'll catch the ole giant slayer right where you want him. So, of course he pardons the woman's "son," and then she says, "Well, if you'll pardon my son without a moment's hesitation, then why is Absalom still in hiding? Bring back your son."

"Oh my God," David exclaims, "you're right." Of course you're right, you all know exactly how to manipulate David, just tell him a story that he'll have to fall on one side, and then hit him with the punchline. So, he sends word for Absalom to come back home, after three years. But this is interesting, David says, "He must go to his own house; he must not see my face (14:24)." Damn. So no heartwarming reunion then? The question now becomes is David still ashamed of Absalom in a way? Or is he ashamed of himself? This is a complicated reaction here. He was consoled by Amnon's death, he longed to go to Absalom but still allowed him to stay away for three years, and when he gets home he wont even fucking look at him? Or is David just politicking? Letting his son come home, but shunning him, yknow, playing that ole middle ground? I don't know, in any case it's pretty fascinating.

Not only that, it says that Absalom lives in Jerusalem for two years without seeing his father, two fucking years. So eventually Absalom tries to contact Joab in order to see his father, but Joab basically tells the kid to fuck off. Absalom is determined though, so he sends word to Joab again, "Dude, I want to see my fucking dad, come see me so that we can arrange this." And again Joab brushes Absalom off, big mistake pal. Fine, Absalom can't get through to Joab by polite means, and he's fucking determined to see his father, and we know what happens when Absalom is determined. Apparently Joab's fields are right next to Absalom's, so Absalom has his servants go set the man's fucking fields on fire. That's right, you won't see me when I ask, then I'll make damn sure you'll come see me. So finally, Joab storms over to Absalom's home,
"Why in the bloody hell did you set my field on fire?"
"You wouldn't see me about contacting my dad, if I'm guilty let him deal with me instead of pretending I'm not here, I might as well have stayed in exile."
"Fine, you wanna see your dad so goddamned bad? I'll take you to him."

"So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom (14:33)." Man ... just man. Okay, first of all, Absalom has some serious daddy issues, I mean if you set a fucking field on fire just to see your old man, well that's obviously a cry for help (or attention). Second, of course Absalom has some serious issues, David isn't winning any great father awards here. David man, I know the love of your life was brutally slain by Philistines, and that the only real father you knew was fucking insane and tried to kill you, and that your first child from Bathsheeba was killed by God himself, but get a fucking hold of yourself. You have kids man, you have responsibilities, fucking nut up and get on with it. Just because the man you love dies doesn't mean you can completely check out. Keep ignoring your son and it won't turn out well, trust me.

Absalom, Absalom!:

We already know quite a lot about Absalom, he's a just dude, that is, he won't stand by and just let his sister be raped by his creepy half-brother. No, he'll kill a fucker if he deserves it, tradition and laws be damned. He's also got some serious daddy issues, as we just talked about. One thing you might not know about Absalom is that apparently he's totally hot. According to the Bible he doesn't have a single blemish on his entire body. Does that mean he doesn't even have birthmarks or moles? Man that would be hot ... then he'd look a lot like me: hot and zero blemishes. Anyway, this makes sense, the Bible went on about how hot David was too, and Absalom's his son and all. Another thing you might not know about Absalom is that "Whenever he cut the hair of his head- he used to cut his hair from time to time when it became too heavy for him - he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard (14:26)." Wow, thanks Bible, we really needed to know that. Dude, Absalom has some serious issues, "Man my hair sure is heavy, I bet it's at least two hundred shekels." Which is about five pounds by the way, don't get too excited.

Absalom isn't just beautiful like David, he's also charismatic, and along with all his issues, makes him a ticking time bomb. He begins to slowly sway over the people of Israel, and it isn't long before he's able to mount an entire army against David. And he's not just doing this to be dick, at least I don't think so. I imagine Absalom feels that David isn't just anymore. Sure he's channeling all his daddy issues into this, but it isn't just obvious to me that David is completely defeated, that he's letting all his own past problems affect his judgment. Absalom knows he can do a better job, he's young, full of fire, and has learned from his father's mistakes. It's time for new blood, and apparently enough people agree with him, the new posterboy of Israel. And so he marches his army to Jerusalem to coup the shit out of it.

So what does David do when he hears about Absalom mounting a coup d'état against Israel? Does he regretfully meet his son on the field of battle? Or try to at least peacefully deal with his son? Or deal with his son at all? Ummm Nope. When David hears that Absalom is coming with soldiers and shit he runs. That's right folks, the master soldier, the dude who conquered Philistines and killed a giant, fucking runs away. And this is just a typical response, I mean not only is David so defeated now that he'll just let his son take shit over, this is metaphorical, he's spent the past seven or so years avoiding his son. He'd rather run and forfeit his throne than deal with his son, than be a father. This whole thing was essentially David's fault, he could have easily nipped this in the bud years ago, him and Absalom could have been close, Absalom could have been David's greatest asset and supporter. But instead David warps his son, and then when the consequences of his shitty parenting come knocking, he still won't fess up to it, and he'll pay dearly for it.

Now see if you can imagine this: while David is fleeing, with all his servants and soldiers and all, a crazy man comes out of the hills and starts cursing David and throwing things at him. Joab has his sword drawn and is ready to put a end to this in seconds, but David stops him. "No," he says, "if God has told him to curse me then who am I to stop him?"
"But ... seriously? You're just going to let him scream at you and throw things?"
"Yep!"
And so this crazy old man follows alongside David's entourage the whole fucking way from Jerusalem to their hideout city. The whole time screaming curses and throwing dirt and David. And back in those days, that could have been days of travel, especially with a whole group, and this crazy fucker is jumping up and down, screaming, and throwing shit the whole way. If you weren't convinced that David was completely defeated by this point, well this is the final proof. There's no avoiding it now. Can you imagine, say walking home from work and this dude

God told me to!

shows up out of nowhere and starts cursing you and throwing shit at you? And you do nothing? Yeah right, at the very least you'll start running home, and a lot of us would punch the fucker in the nose first. And further, if you were walking with a cop friend? Would you stop him from arresting this nutjob? Yeah, didn't think so, but David doesn't care though, let him yell, "I deserve to be pelted with dirt."

After Absalom has secured Jerusalem, he regroups his army and leads them out in pursuit of David. When David hears about this he finally decides it's time to face his son, to face the consequences no matter what. But his generals and soldiers convince him not to march out with the army, and he agrees in a second, "I will do whatever seems best to you (18:4)," he says. Seriously? You're the fucking king, if you want to lead your army against your own son then do it. So Absalom leads his army, while David sends his army off to meet them, in what would have been his last chance to face up to Absalom. See, David does order his army to be gentle with Absalom, to leave him alive. Despite all the mistakes David has made, he still loves his son, and doesn't want any harm to come to him. But if that's the case, he shouldn't have sent Joab with the army, that guy loves going against David's orders if he thinks it will end a war.

The two armies meet in a forest, and David's army easily decimates Absalom's forces. And what of Absalom? Well, apparently, "He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom's head got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going (18:9)." Haha what? Did a third grader write this? Dude, I guess you should've cut that fucking heavy hair of yours before you went off to war eh? So when word of this get's to Joab he's all "Wait, you saw Absalom hanging helplessly in a tree, and you didn't kill him?"
"What? No, David told us not to."
"Fuck that," so Joab takes three javelins and stabs Absalom through the heart with all three of them, while he helplessly hangs there. I mean really, you could have easily captured an arrested him in that position, and three javelins, is that really necessary? If that wasn't enough, then "Ten of Joab's armor bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him (18:14)." Dude, was that necessary? Or even accurate? Shit, he had three javelins in his heart, I'm pretty sure he was already dead. And why does Joab need ten armor bearers? How much fucking armor does that guy have anyway? Then "They took Absalom, threw him into a big pit in the forest and piled up a large heap of rocks over him (18:17)." Dude, okay, now I'm seriously putting my foot down, what the fuck? That was totally unnecessary, you could've at least brought his body back to his old man. Damnation, Joab is a sick fucker, David should've probably let him go after he killed Abner against his wishes back in Part 1.

Well when David hears that his son has been slaughtered on the battlefield he's understandably distraught. He locks himself in his room and mourns for his son. Of all the things he did wrong, David thinks, of all the mistakes he made, and all the times he ignored his son, he should have at least been there at his death. If David was there at the battle, Absalom would have been captured instead, if he had just faced his son, had faced what he had created, his son would still be alive. David knows that the whole conspiracy was his fault, and if only he had been man enough to face the mess he made head on. If only ... David truly loved his son, and certainly felt responsible for the mess that the poor guy became, and now? Now he'd never have a chance to tell him, or make things right. David spent his later years being defeated and allowing it to drive him to detachment, and it caused him to lose his son completely. Another love lost, but this time it was directly, and completely his fault. And so he mourned, even though his forces were victorious and he would be King of Israel again. What does that matter if your own son is murdered in the process?

Now imagine if you were in David's army, and you beat the shit out of the enemy, and when you get back David has locked himself in his room crying? It wouldn't feel great, it'd certainly be confusing. See, we readers know that David is a really sensitive guy, but most average dudes just know him as the king, and the defeat of his enemies should make him happy right? Well Joab is fucking livid about this, which dude seriously, go fuck yourself, it's your goddamn fault he's mourning. If you would've just brought Absalom back with you he'd be just fine, but noooo. Anyway, Joab storms into David's room and talks some serious shit to his king.

Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines. You love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that the commanders and their men mean nothing to you. I see that you would be pleased if Absalom were alive today and all of us were dead. Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come on you from your youth till now. (19:5-7)

Worse than all the calamities? That's a bold fucking statement sir. But, David looks at his general, a man who'd do anything to win a war, a man who would explicitly disobey his direct orders if he thought it would reduce casualties. "You're right Joab," David says while slowly getting to his feet, "Of course you're right. I'll go to my men." And so he went out to his men to thank them for their service, pretending to be happy, pretending to be grateful; but inside still mourning, still hurt, and still defeated ... forever defeated.

And that's that I'm afraid. Sure there's a little more left in 2 Samuel, but as far as I'm concerned, this is the end of David's story, the death of his son. The full circle of David's tragic life. Be on the lookout for a "What I Learned" and later on we'll start on the next two parter in the Bible: 1 Kings, where we meet King Solomon. Who's idea of wise judgment involves chopping a baby in half. Until next time.